A
female
age
,
*lue410
writes:Okay..my boyfriend of about a year has always used porn as an outlet. He's upfront and honest about it, how he spends hours browsing and downloading it. He's even shared some of it with me, etc. I DO enjoy some of it. Although deep down I feel he may be comparing me to the models AND I do think he spends way too much time online, organizing his "collection" and finding new things to watch.The problem is this. Lately our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing, maybe once a week if I'm lucky. He says he's tired or "not in the mood", etc. Last night, after I went to bed, he masturbated to some kind of porn..I know this because I crawled into bed with him and just "knew". We got up and had an argument about it. He says he doesn't feel "sexual" to me and hasn't in a while because, according to him I'm manipulative and even a "castrating bitch". He tells me that I'm always wanting things MY way (but couldn't come up with examples); and that because of this, the feelings of intimacy aren't there for him. He spends HOURS online, downloading hundreds of pictures..when he moved in I accepted this. But now I have no clue what to do...there seems to be two issues here. I asked him WHY he didn't speak up earlier if he felt as if he were my "puppet", but he didn't have a reply. I am hurt, angry, frustrated, I told him I'm just trying to get my sexual needs met. I am trying to coordinate our sleep schedules so we have SOME time to at least try to be sexual. Is that manipulation? Plus he seems to have an incredible thing about cleanliness..we always have to shower before having sex and then right after, he goes downstairs and washes off (he's not circumsized).Lots of issues here, I'm so confused and hurt.Thanks for listening. Any advice is welcome
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in the mood, moved in, porn, says he's tired, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, OlderWiser? +, writes (15 March 2010):
I too have a situation with my boyfriend of 3 years and porn. He says he's lifting weights in our basement and spends hours daily downloading and viewing porn. He has quite the DVD collection and says he's always enjoyed porn and will always enjoy it. I need to learn to deal with it because he's not changing. I too enjoy porn and when time permits, I watch it too. We've watched some together, but his comments about the women in the movies usually start a fight and it turns ugly. I too have been told that I am manipulative. I question myself in this relationship every day and while I know that doesn't help I wanted you to know that you are not alone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): I say run away and try not to look back. He definitely has a porn problem AND he's abusive toward you. It doesn't matter which came first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): Hi ... sound like obsessive/compulsive tendancies and/or bipolar. Have a look at both on the net (best sites tend to be the main national one ie Royal College of Psychiatrists in the UK). If nothing else, it will rule them out. Best wishes and good luck.
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A
male
reader, Beery  +, writes (4 November 2008):
 Look, the problem isn't the porn. The problem is that he dislikes you so much that he calls you a 'castrating bitch'. This guy has issues that go way beyond the porn, and if the name-calling goes both ways you BOTH need help with the relationship beyond the scope of an online agony column.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008): Fade, I agree with Peter Pan, it's not the pornography that is attracting him, but he is angry and upset with his relationship that's why he stays away from bed. Pornography is not always about sex, sometimes it's stress relief or a way to avoid intimacy. Peter Pan is perfectly right, pick up a copy of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", by Dr. John Grey. There are resentments that have built up in this relationship and that's why he stays away from the bedroom and doesn't want to get close to this woman.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (1 November 2008):
 Just my 2-cents as well ...I'm going to take this to the 10,000ft level and simply say that after readying your post, that old book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" came to mind... why? From up here, it seems like you're having a communication problem... yeah, you seem to be seeking vindication for being right and he's burying what he wants to say behind the typical male silence and disconnected activities... example? Replace his (so called) porn addiction with something else... like he'd rather work on his '68 Mustang Fastback that have sex with you... it's his escape... either from you or from something else beyond your scope (for instance, the pressures of the office). Both of you seem to have emotions that aren't getting expressed or identified by the other. Assuming that you'd like to salvage what's left and get some meaning from this relationship, then you need to find neutral territory and hash this out without the need to play "he said, she said"
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A
female
reader, MamiOf2 +, writes (1 November 2008):
 Ok i have no problems with pornography as long as it is not addicting. I mean, obviously he is addicted to it. To use that over actual sex is disturbing. Honestly, you know it's wrong or you wouldn't be asking this question. If a man is spending so much time downloading spam filled porn, but then when he has an actual real live breathing woman next to him-he's not in the mood? That means honey, he needs therapy. Plain and simple. If you have patience, and if he would even consider therapy, DO IT. If not, run for the hills this wont change, only get worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008): Babes, there are several things you say in your post that makes me think that porn is not the main problem in your relationship. He liked pornography before he met you, you knew this and you accepted this, you shared this "hobby" with him and enjoyed pornography yourself. So therefore, your not here because you hate porn or you hate him looking at porn, your here to understand some of his other habits..
Two things jump out at me, firstly his need to have a shower before and after sex. Does this feel unfriendly babes, do you feel as if he thinks sex with you makes him dirty, is this habit something that makes you feel alone.
Secondly you and him don't sound very friendly at all. He doesn't find you sexy, he calls you a castrating bitch who always needs to stay in control, he believes you are manipulative.
For me it doesn't sound like your sex life has decreased because a lack of sex, you two don't sound like you like each other very much.
Have you tried to shower with him, have you tried masturbating with him whilst both of you are looking at pornography. Apart from trying to arrange schedules, and asking him for sex, what else have you done to try to turn him on. I think you two may need to get out of the house together, and do something romantic which may get you both ready for intimacy and sex. I think you also need to communicate about your relationship and decide what you can both do to improve it, or how you are gonna finish this dysfunctional relationship and stay apart.
I have no problem with pornography, and I doubt that you do either. But your relationship sounds so angry and bitter, that off course their are problems in the bedroom. Try to start doing nice little thoughtful things for him. Remind him how much he means to you, and how nice he treats you. Bring romance and good communication into your relationship, and I think your arguments and sexual problems will be over and pornography will fall back into it's rightful place.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (1 November 2008):
 In my opinion, you do not need a "couples counsellor" with due respect for the suggestions by "Fade878" - you simply need to begin letting go and seeking other living arrangements. This situation will not likely change, and it makes you unhappy and unfulfilled. Nuf said.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008): I agree with Fade..Poster, your bf is mismanaging his compulsion for pornography. You sound like a willing, loving gf who is always willing to have a healthy, robust, good round of great sex with your man, if he wanted it. But he doesn't..he 's made a choice over you. He's diverting all his attentions to pornography. So when he has this warm, lovely woman who wants to make love to him...he does, indeed, have a problem. I can tell by reading your posting, you are voicing your pain and deep hurt over his habit and at the same time you are looking for validation that you are right on this issue. Let me just say, you don't need validation--there are many, many women in your situation who hate what porn has done to their men and what it has does to their relationships. But what a lot of these women do..is they take the safe route of not risking a change or dealing with a loss.
So stop with that mentality that 'it must be me' syndrome of dealing with a loved one's inappropriate behaviour. Tell him he has a problem and see if he will get into counseling for a sexual addiction. Or be prepared to walk away. Don't be one of those ladies who stick around and tolerate this, only because those women gain an identity by constantly convincing themselves they 'need to be attached' to a man, like this. You don't need this. So sweety, you are not wrong. Don't put up with this and DO care what type of person he is. His actions, his neglect of you, his choices, have given you some clear indicators. Women have to stop wanting to be chosen..they have to think smart and do the choosing themselves. So ask yourself "do I want a man in my life who takes part in these behaviours?" Just something to think about here. Communicate, set a boundary, see if he'll get help and take it from there. If he won't normalize nor curb his porn compulsion, or even try to help himself, get out of this before it takes you down, completely.
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