A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, hoping for some advice: I’m divorced, in my 40s, and have recently moved country. Shortly after moving, I met my now boyfriend (of 7 months)For some time now, I have not been able to make sense of my his anger issues. He is highly-educated, but has selective cleaning OCD and swears regularly (mostly the f-word). His use of foul language is directed at anyone, anything, and at me. Throughout our relationship, he has been staying over at my apartment every weekend (because he is too busy to clean). Thing is, almost every time I see him, I do something to make him irritated and angry with me such that he snaps - at best, I get told I am being a baby, childish, a ditherer or whining and have communication issues. At worst, he is shouting at me for 5 hours on end until 3am in the morning, telling me about things wrong with me, and telling me that I’m acting like an effing idiot, a-hole, and being abusive (amongst others). He tells me that I’m overpaid and over-valued (he asked me my salary and savings very early on, I earn more than him). Moreover, he tells me that he is overly intelligent and is tired being surrounded by idiots and that I had better appreciate him because I’ve hit the jackpot and won’t find someone of his calibre again. I was also recently told that I had deceived him by being inexperienced and not ready for a serious relationship (my only real relationship was my 10-year marriage). Such arguments were exacerbated by either me giving tit-for-tat (calling him egotistical, abusive, having anger issues), or me telling him that all our arguments were always centred around flaws within me (which he claims post-argument are just him trying to hold me to a better standard). I cannot cry infront of him and am considered weak for doing so.A couple of months ago, I decided to reflect on some negative feedback at work about communication that I accept (I talked down to people below me). This made me realise that I needed to become a better person and fix things with myself. I have been using this enhanced reflection to take my boyfriend’s issues with me as feedback that I can build on. He shouts, I reflect, I promise to do better and fix myself. This is the circle I rely on right now.Guess I’m writing this here because I know that this is not how it’s meant to be?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 July 2020):
 Good grief, OP ! You know this is not how is meant to be ( duh ! )... and you are carrying on like this ? For 7 months ?! Until when ?... You surely have staying power- 7 months of being called asshole, an idiot, a baby.... 7 months of being yelled at and shouted at for hours in a row.... Jeez , aren't you sick and tired, and disgusted, of all the drama ? At this point, who cares if you have flaws, or he has flaws, if it's " your " fault or " his " fault... don't you want some quiet and peace of mind in your life, like everybody wants ? Don't you want live in harmony with a compatible partner, like any normal person would like , or, at worst, in lack of a compatible partner , to live in peace, freedom and dignity all by yourself ?
Is he such an unbelievable wizard in bed, that you have to put up with this ? ( physical attraction at times makes us throw caution, and self respect, to the wind, and end up with very strange, and incompatible, bedfellows, but... there's a limit to everything ! )
You tried- 7 months of experimentation have given such measly , even scary results- enough. The experiment did not succed, so be it- that's what dating is for, to find out if two people are compatible, You two obviously are not, it can't be fixed because there's no will on his side to fix anything, nor to neet you half way- so cease and desist. Let him go. Stop this madness. After only 7 months, it should not be that hard to dis-attach yourself, but if you find it hard now , the more you let this go on, the harder you will find in future. And disattach you have to, if you have just one ounce of love and care for yourself !
A
male
reader, jackcox82  +, writes (7 July 2020):
My answer is short, just get out of this relationship, he will never change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): Hi
I have been with a man who is EXACTLY as you describe. EVERYTHING is your fault, you cant do right for doing wrong, whatever happens they manage to twist your words and actions and make you in the wrong.
My abusive ex was also very loving most of the time, was great fun, generous and the best bloke I ever met until he was the worst.
As soon as you stood your ground, your boyfriend apologised (not that he meant it by the way, it was only to get you back) then when you showed that you were also remorseful and apologised yourself, he then knew that he still had you in the palm of his hand, he reverted to his old ways. It took one text and one apology from him to you, for him to know that you are still stuck on him. He knows he's still in the driving seat.
I left my abusive ex many times before I saw the light and managed to get away, which wasn't easy. Despite his claims to the contrary, your boyfriend wants you by his side and thinks you're the best thing since sliced bread. Hence his need to drag you down, destroy your self confidence and make you a much weaker version of yourself that you were when you met him, so you won't leave him.
Your boyfriend is abusive through and through. He does not care about you or how you feel. He does not care how unhappy he makes you, he does not care if he destroys you mentally. As long as he gets his own way and to make you so broken that you don't leave him.
My abusive relationship stressed me so much that I now have a nerve disorder. I can't eat and function afterwards for a good many hours. It has seriously curtailed my life and damaged my fitness level completely. ALL because of stress.
In an abusive relationship, your needs and wishes do not matter, they are not important. You actually don't exist to him. You are like a doll to him. There to serve him. He 'loves' you, but only in the way that abusive people can love. He wants YOU to look after HIM and HIS needs (remember YOURS don't matter). If you don't feel like that yet, stay with him longer. You will, I promise you.
It took me a long time to be able to accept that my ex didn't have my best interests at heart. He looked after me like no-one else had ever done. He lavished love and attention on me, which he knew was something I really wanted and needed. Abusive people find out what you need and give it to you in spades. One of the reasons it's so hard to leave them. They are like your dream man when you first get together with them. It's an act I'm afraid. The real him is the cold, calculating human being you are trying to deal with now. One who can say the vilest things to you and be fine with it. Can you imagine EVER speaking to another human being the way he does to you? Try to imagine it for a minute. Telling someone you're trying to hold them to a higher standard?? Have you ever heard anything so patronising? And arrogant? When HE behaves like the scum of the earth?
When I realised I had been in THREE abusive relationships in my life, I started to read about abuse to educate myself about it and to help me from making the same mistake yet again.
I read many many books, all of which contained some form of behaviour/tactics that my exes had used at some time. The best book I read on the subject was called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. He is an eminent psychologist who worked one to one with abusive men and during the fifteen years that he did so, he learned that they all have tactics that they use to break their partner down so that they become, submissive (which you have already done, promising to try harder....), breaking them psychologically and most of the time, progressing to physical acts of violence to speed the process along.
I was choked and threatened and intimidated and bullied and mentally played with by my abusive ex before I realised that the man I had fallen in love with didn't actually exist. They are good actors these people.
I'm sorry this has happened to you, but you would be so much happier without him, once you have broken the bond he has created. And please read the book because it will also help you to spot abusive behaviour a mile away and so be able to avoid men who display these character traits. Don't let him see that you are reading the book as he will see that you are onto him and what he is doing (ALL pre-calculated by the way, he is doing this to you on purpose) and he won't like that you are asserting yourself. Be careful of him. This man you love is not a nice man.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): So far you have stood your ground. That's good. He doesn't want to take his things with him because that's his chance to Hoover you up again with clever words and smooth behaviour.
If this has gone no further then you need to get someone to be near you when he comes for his things.
Seven months of weekends shouldn't be that much luggage for him to carry so pack the lot and give it to him at the door. Don't let him in.
Tell him you've got decorators in and they're working upstairs or put his stuff outside where you can see it so he can collect it. Don't bin it yet. Or get a cab to go round to his house and drop it off but keep the cabbie waiting so that he can't try to lure you in.
You just don't need a ranting madman.
You could have a guy who is sweet and charming gorgeous and kind.
Say goodbye to lengthy night torture sessions where he berates you for being you.
Tell him that you two just really don't get on well enough to take it any further. It's over. Your work is suffering. You want a peaceful existance.
Be prepared for a charm offensive or a foul mouth tirade whichever mood he is in. But don't take him back. Let hell freeze over before that!
It's just a fact of life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2020): OP
You do not ‘fall flat’. As I said before, he has shattered your self esteem. Do not put yourself down or think badly of yourself.
You can tell he feels bad about his life. But that is NO excuse to treat someone the way he is treating you. He is using you as someone to blame for his crappy life. It is NOT your responsibilty to sort his life out. He has a lot of issues and judging by his character he is NEVER going to ‘sort them out’. He will keep blaming others as that is easier for him than realising what the actual problems are. Most people who are unhappy with aspects of their life -change them. OP is this not enough evidence that this man is INCAPABLE of change?
I highly doubt he is lovely ‘most of the time’. This is you trying to slightly justify his behaviour. Again - this is what he has reduced you to!! These are some of the reasons people have difficulty leaving abusive partners. You are in denial!
You should not be having to ‘walk on eggshells’ in your relationship. That shows you are scared of him. And rightly so. You say that he has threatened to leave but never follows through on it. Of course because he is using threats to get what he wants. It’s manipulative.
He doesn’t like your friend because he knows you probably tell him things. He is afraid of being ‘found out’, the fact he is an abusive, disgusting human being will come to light. That’s why he accuses YOU of being abusive. To make everything YOUR fault in his twisted head. To make himself feel better. He is justifying his behaviour to himself by again trying to convince himself that YOU are the abusive one. You are not OP!!
He doesn’t give a crap about Covid 19. That is NOT the reason he is annoyed that you saw your friend. He is controlling. He doesn’t like that you have friends. That’s why he doesn’t like you friend despite never meeting him. Soon you will find that he doesn’t like any of your friends and then your family. He is trying to cut you off from people, trying to isolate you. So the only person you have In your life is him. Then he knows you will never leave him as you have no one else in your life. This is typical abusive behaviour. Trust me OP this will only get worse.
As for ‘he will take matters into his own hands’ - that is a threat. He is threatening you. What do you think he will do OP? What will the next threat be if you do something he doesn’t like?
Do NOT let him refuse to leave. Pack his stuff up for him when he is out (not when he is home). Get a friend to come round and help you for support and safety - do NOT do this on your own. Leave his stuff outside. OR pack up your stuff and leave him.
DO NOT apologise to him. You have done nothing wrong. He is winning and getting what he wants every time you apologise for HIS terrible behaviour.
He is playing the victim by making you think this is all your fault. DO NOT fall for it.
STOP blaming yourself. STOP putting yourself down. STOP making excuses for him. STOP apologising. STOP believing his lies. STOP letting him abuse and manipulate you.
You need to talk to a friend or family member about this straight away. You are very weak and need some support. No, it’s not your fault you are weak - this is what HE has made you become. Tell them THE truth - everything you have told us. They can then help you get away from this piece of crap. You NEED help and support OP.
You are not safe with this man. It will only get worse and then god knows what could happen to you. Think about your future. It will only escalate and get worse.
Whether you refuse to see it or not, this is typical abusive behaviour. Save your life OP and cut him completely out of your life!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2020): Dear all, I am the OP - Many thanks to all of you for taking the time out to respond. I am truly grateful for your wisdom, kind words, and advice, and am glad that I posted here. Also, thanks for being non-judgemental.
Some additional info about the situation:
I share the same education-level as my bf, but differ in discipline. We do not work together. I do not consider myself to be an intellectual (as he does), and perhaps this is why with my lack of experience of men, that I fell flat.
My bf is generally unhappy with his lot in life: his profession (that it’s undervalued), his apartment (I have never been inside), his family.
The main reason that I have stuck by him is because he is very loving “most” of the time. That said, seeing him is pretty stressful due to needing to walk on eggshells. Every day is an internal challenge. I tried to leave him early in the relationship but was branded abusive. He has since threatened to leave the relationship many times, but refuses to do so when I agree that perhaps this is the right thing to do.
Since my first post the following has happened:
I have a gay friend whom I used to work with who has been incredibly supportive. Prior to moving states, he would spend time with me, taking me to beautiful local spots to help me better appreciate my new home. My bf does not like my friend (though having never met him).
My friend recently needed to make a local trip. As I had to give him some meds, and hadn’t seen him for 6 months, I felt that I should meet briefly whilst taking the necessary precautions. I mentioned this to my bf and he snapped, accusing me of being irresponsible. If I met my friend, he would “take matters into his own hands”. Perhaps I was being irresponsible, but after talking to colleagues and family, I realised that it was wrong not to meet and thus did so (outside), availing of all precautions. I did not tell my bf out of fear.
Met my bf this weekend and got grilled. I admitted things, and an argument ensued. I was accused of being deceiving and secretive (also a schoolgirl). I admitted my fear of him due to his anger/rage - he said that he couldn’t be with someone who thought so lowly of him (“I can’t be with someone who” is a typical line he uses). He tried to get me to take back what I had said, but I stood my ground. I tried to convince him that I wasn’t thinking lowly of him and just needed to share what I was feeling. He started tearing me down so I asked him to leave and take his belongings (he refused the latter).
He apologised the next day (text), but said he was disturbed/hurt by me. Being me, I apologised for hurting him and the way that things were handled and delivered. His response was “I do not accept your non-apology”. I haven’t responded.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2020): If he has so many issues with you, then why is he still with you? Why hasn’t he dumped you yet?
I’ll tell you why, because he loves the control. He loves the ego boost every time he puts you down as it make him feel better about himself. He loves that you will do anything to keep him. He loves the power. He loves making you feel bad.
What he doesn’t love - is you!!
He may say he does and you believe him. If you love someone, you treat them with respect, kindness. You lift them up as you want them to be happy. You care about their feelings and emotions.
This man only loves himself. He is incapable of loving someone else.
That’s not to say you don’t deserve his love, because you do. But you are not going to get it from this man.
He is the one that is seriously broken and damaged. You cannot change him and you trying to change for him will not work. There is nothing you can do.
I hope you get the courage to leave him. When you do - he will beg, plead, promise to change. But just know, this man will never change. It won’t be you he is trying to get back or he misses. It will be the control. Do not fall for it.
Remember who you are, remember what you have accomplished in life, remember the people who actually love you. Think about the people who treat you well, the people who respect and care about you. Think about what you want from a relationship, what you NEED from a relationship. Think about your goals and aspirations outside of a relationship. Remember all the things you like about yourself, the things you do well.
Use all this to remember your worth, regain your strength. Take control of your life and happiness - feel empowered. And leave him!!
You control your life, not this guy. So take it back!!!
It is scary being on your own. You may even think that you would rather be in this ‘relationship’ than by yourself. But know, this is him talking not you. This is what he has reduced you to. Some things in life take a huge amount of courage and strength and maybe scary. But this is a stepping stone to finding true love with someone else. You will be sad, but I promise you when the pain subsides you will not regret it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2020): Hi, I’m am so glad you have posted about your boyfriend so that we have the opportunity to help you.
This is not a healthy relationship and your partner should not chip at your self esteem, criticise and verbally abuse you in the manner in which he is doing. I would say that if he is doing this so early in the relationship that this will only get worse.
Please will you take a look at https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/
Even if you just read the information to educate yourself and to understand absolutely none of this is your fault or anything you are doing. Men who control partners like this guy sounds like he is doing are very manipulative and clever, he is already making you question and change yourself. I have worked in the area of domestic abuse for some time and I am worried about you. Please take some time to read the info and believe that you are worth so much more than this man. Take care xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2020): This is one of those things you learn by experience (which is the hard way) or you listen to those who agree that he is abusive and end it.
Only seven months in would give you impetus to end it quite probably but only you can be fully aware of your own determination.
In a relationship you expect to see a growth of love and respect.
But he is going to continue to show you the opposite.
How much you tolerated it is often determined by your early start in life and what you accepted as normal.
Seven years down the line he may well be still ranting and raging at you for your perceived imperfections.
Does this guy work at the same place as you?
I hope not because this kind of guy needs to get the world on their side against you.
Their idea of a relationship is a form of antagonism and condescension against you.
Could he possibly have been the person who raised the suggestion that you treated someone at work badly?
I'm just noting here that this type of guy is very intelligent and skilful at manipulating so unless you have some particularly desperate need to associate you could pass him up.
And let him return to his own dirty flat and his less than perfect life so that you can at least get a good night's sleep if that's what you need to re-establish your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2020): This problem is of your own making. You chose to have a relationship with an abusive, arrogant and immature man, you chose to let him visit you a lot and you chose to spend a lot of time with him. You have also taken on board the ridiculous things he tells you - an intelligent person would have dumped him ages ago. This is not a relationship it is a dictatorship. Even if you were 500 years old, fat, stupid, boring and penniless you could do better - or better off alone - so why are you still with him?
In a way what he says makes sense. A bright person would have dumped him and you are still with him, and you are asking total strangers - some of whom may have dementia or be kids of ten, what to do? Is that bright?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (4 July 2020):
 Your boyfriend is abusive and very insecure. At his age its unlikely that he will change. Intelligent people don't need to tell others that they are intelligent. He is jealous that you make more money than him. He's trying to bring you down to make himself feel better. End the relationship OP. You deserve far better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2020): You need to leave this man IMMEDIATELY!!
This is abusive behaviour and it could potentially get worse. He is trying to destroy your self esteem and put you down to make himself feel better. That’s how most abusive relationships start out.
Soon you will feel so crap about yourself that you don’t leave him as you will feel you don’t deserve anything better. Then he has you where he wants you. He is trying to make you think that he is God’s gift and you cannot do better than him and you are worthless. It is already working as you are taking what he says ‘as feedback to better yourself’ and ‘promising to be better’.
STOP this immediately!!!!
Relationships work both ways and I guarantee he isn’t taking what you say about him on board and ‘promising to be better’.
There is nothing wrong with you, don’t let him make you think that there is.
I am really concerned for you and I worry for your safety.
Please leave this man and go and find the love you deserve. Because believe me - YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2020): He not only has anger issues; but he sounds like he's hedging on being a narcissist.
In this case, I'm keeping it short and simple.
If he's in his 40's, don't expect to change him. You did not hit the jackpot, you're scrapping the bottom.
No one should have to tell a 40 year-old intelligent-woman what to do with a dirt-bag of a boyfriend.
You've wasted seven months of your precious-time. You know what to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2020): He's your bf of seven months not your husband. I read this twice to make heads or tales of it and what I got was that you're dating an arrogant condescending abusive arsehole and instead of dumping him you re spending all kinds of time and psychological energy trying to fix him or yourself? Do he'll like you better?
You You should be reflecting on getting him out of your life and then spend a lot of time reflecting on why you allowed this guy to control you (who gives financial information to someone they just started dating) why you put up with him for a week let alone 7 months.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (3 July 2020):
 You CAN do better, and you know it. You are WORTH better. Don't settle for an abusive idiot who thinks he is God's gift to womankind.
Run and don't look back.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 July 2020):
 No, that is not how a H|EALTHY relationship should be.
Why are you still with him? WHY do you accept this?
He might have a high IQ but emotionally? He is stunted.
It is GOOD that you can take feed back and reflect and change in your job, and if you did talk down to people under you, it's good to remember that it's not appropriate.
SO why is it appropriate for him to talk down to you? He isn't above you in any way shape or form, you two ought to be equal in the relationship, regardless of IQ or income.
Do you think If you take on ALL the criticism that he throws your way, he will stop yelling for hours? That you will magically become the "perfect woman" for him? That he is always right and you just need to adjust?
Are YOU the only one who should reflect and work on doing better? His behavior is totally OK?
Why not consider.... THAT this guy is NOT good at being a BF or partner. That he IS abusive, emotionally stunted, that he will NOT change. THIS is who he is and NO MATTER how hard you try to please him and "reflect" HE will always be right and you wrong.
It's ONLY 7 months in and this dysfunctional, that is not a good sign.
While I think it's good to listen, to reflect and to work on issues YOU know you perhaps don't handle well, but to think HE is the "oracle" on HOW you should be and YOU have4 to do all the changes seems ridiculous. How is HE an authority on relationships?
He isn't trying to "hold you to a better standard", NOR is it his JOB to do so, he is trying to tear you down. Not to rebuild but to get the upper hand in every aspect of your relationship. In short he is infantilizing you. He is so smart, you are stupid. He should be worshipped, you should be fired and paid less.
Come on, OP you know your relationship is unhealthy.
Working on yourself is good. But don't let some guy you have dated for 7 months DICTATE your flaws.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (3 July 2020):
A boyfriend is like shopping. If you go to buy fruits, do you pick the worst fruits to bring home??
If you know to get the best things for yourself when shopping, why not have the same mind when choosing a man??
What kind of husband do you want? Boyfriends are your opportunity to choose the right partner for life. Not to waste your time with the wrong one.
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