A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey Aunts and unclesI have been seeing this man for 3 months now. He is kind, considerate and good to me. We have had sex a couple of times now but only recently. I made him wait until I was ready, which he was fine with. My problem.... the sex every time was awful!!!It wasn’t him, it was me who made it awful. Bit of back story. I have had 3 serious relationships in my life, all when I was younger. I was with my first boyfriend for four years and my second for 3 years. In both relationships we had amazing regular sex. No issues in that department at all. My 3rd relationship however was a different story. The sex for the whole 3 years was terrible. It was boring and vanilla. No excitement, no desire, no experimenting. The same positions every time. I tried to spice things up several times. I dressed up in sexy lingerie for him, instead he looked terrified and was afraid to touch me. He held me like I was made of China and didn’t know where to look. I found porn in his room. He went on the defense immediately saying it wasn’t his. I told him I had no problem with him watching porn. I then suggested we watch it together....nope. Apparently it’s weird to watch porn with your girlfriend - FINEI suggested different positions - NOPE!I tried all different kind of things. But he was happy with boring vanilla sex. He never wanted a conversation about it when I brought it up.He never told me I was attractive and he sexually desired me. I gave up in the end. I didn’t find him attractive anymore because it was like he never desired me. We still had regular sex but it was always the same. He would just turn to face me in bed and put his hand down my pants. That’s how it always started. This was the whole 3 years.We eventually broke up. I then remained single for 5 years. During that time I didn’t have sex. I decided I needed to be on my own for while and it was my decision. I stayed with a man I shouldn’t have for 3 years because I didn’t want to be on my own. I needed to work on myself, learn to be independent, work on my obviously low self esteem at the time. I am not one to just sleep with anyone either - I need a relationship to be intimate. So went without sex. I finally felt I was ready to date again and started dating the man I am with now. I feel however that the fact that I hadent had sex in 5 years and my last experiences were terrible, it has scarred me somehow. It is like I’m a virgin all over again. I forgot how to do pretty much everything. I was just awkward, wooden. Me going down on him was awful. He was lovely about it and he knows he’s the first man I’ve had sex with for years. I know it will get better. My main problem is I have been terrified every time we had sex. All I keep thinking about was the awful sex I had with my ex. How he made me feel un desired and not sexy. I keep thinking this guy will eventually feel the same way about me. This is contributing to my awkwardness and nerves during sex with him. But I can’t get it out of my head. I have told my new man about this and he understands and tries to make me feel sexy- but it’s not working. It’s all in my head. I feel like I can’t have good sex until I deal with these issues. Do you think maybe I should see a therapist? Or is it something that will take time? I’m worried he will get bored of me as I’m giving him bad sex.
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broke up, my ex, no desire, porn, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 July 2020):
 Awesome OP!
I hope you two keep at it. Another thing I forgot to mention in my answer was that OVER time we feel more and more comfortable with a partner, this one is still "new" so you are BOTH still adjusting.
Keep the lighting low, focus on him and yourself and let the rumination about some ex go.
Definitely no more "ex-talk" Your new man is not responsible for your ex's behavior. Nor is the ex important any more, he shouldn't factor in ANY more.
Focus on the here and now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2020): Hey OP here
Thank you all for your advice, i really appreciate it.
To be honest I did speak to some girl friends about this situation. I love my friends and know they were just trying to help, but did kind of feel like they were saying things to make me feel better rather than being truthful or giving advice. They thought it was more a problem with him rather than me. Which even I know not to be true. So I’m glad I wrote on here, I needed people to talk ‘straight’ with me. I agree with everything you have all said and am definitely taking all of your kind advice on board.
Last night I used some of this advice. I asked my boyfriend to tie me up and blindfold me and do what he wanted with me. He was very excited by this.
I also read an excert of a book for people who can’t get comfortable during sex. Like female anon suggested, it was all about feeling instead of thinking. It suggested tuning into your senses, what you can feel, smell, taste and hear. Kind of like meditation I guess.
So I did just that. I thought about what I was feeling and let myself enjoy what he was doing to me. Every time my mind wandered I brought it back to my senses. He took his time on me and I actually started to relax more and enjoy it.
I then reciprocated on him using my senses. It actually brought me a bit more confidence actually hearing that he was enjoying it rather than listening to the voices In my head. I took my time and actually explored his body like he did mine. I almost forgot that sex was also about intimacy and the whole body instead of just a race to the end game.
We had sex after, I let him lead, although it still wasn’t ‘mind-blowing’, it was the best sex we have had yet. I felt more comfortable and he said he enjoyed it.
I’m not going to mention my ex or sex with my ex with him again. Your right, I don’t want him to think I’m bringing my ex into the situation. I made sure after sex that I told him i appreciate him and that he made me feel good. We spoke about what we liked and didn’t like.
It will take a bit more time, but I feel like I am on way there and at least trying to move forward. I am seeing him again tonight, as you said practice makes perfect.
So thanks again
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2020): No, you don't need to go running to a therapist every-time you run into a difficult life-issue. You're too busy ruminating over past-relationships. You're worrying about things that occurred over five years ago; and you're not living in the present. You're not concentrating on what you have now; because you're too busy worrying about" what used to be." That other guy is long-gone, and lying with some other woman. You're probably a vague-memory by now. He didn't appreciate you, and didn't care to please you.
Don't waste your money on a therapist; unless you feel high-anxiety or panic about sex. I think you need to concentrate on the man you're with, not the man you used to be with.
He will only get tired of your mind being on another man in your past; and not being in the present with him.
Getting back into the swing of things after a 5-year celibacy might just take a little time. It's awkward only because you're self-conscious and overthinking.
Relax and get acquainted. Enjoy the moment. Explore and engage yourself in the personality of the new-guy you have now.
Appreciate him for his own attributes, or he WILL get tired of trying to make you forget your past. Not even a therapist can make you do that. That's all on you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2020): Hi
Maybe you should not be'thinking' and just start 'feeling', go with the natural flow and let passion take over. No clockwork times and pre-plans, just go for it whenever you feel like it. Places and spaces can all add to the energy, nobody wants to have sex like a performing artist thinking there's a particular way to do it, getting a little sporty can make it a bit interesting.
Forget your past, you have a new adventure awaiting and need to explore what chemistry you both have, you might surprise yourself.
I think you have been quite affected by your x boyfriends' neglect and it has knocked you, be bold and confident and feel sexy, dress sexy under day clothes, it's not always about for others. If you don't feel sexy it creates a different type of energy...don't think feel.
Start with you, no old baggage.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 July 2020):
Do you need a therapist?
No, I don't think so. I think you just need to accept that you are (at the moment) not totally "back in the saddle" when it comes to sex. Some people say that having sex is like riding a bike. To a point it is. As long as you understand that ECH bike is different and like different things.
Why not start with giving each other massages? Sometimes a lot of physical stimuli can increase your libido and desire and you might let you hair down a bit. You haven't known him all that long, which means you don't know what makes him tick in bed. Yet. So a massage is a good way to get to know his body and see what he react to as far as touch, and if you two also add VERBAL confirmation, it's even better. Like you (or he) tell the other person when something feels REALLY good. Then you take a mental note and use that spot later when you are being intimate.
You have had 8 years of either BAD sex or NO sex. Of course you are not getting on the "bike" and winning tour de France in a heartbeat!
You don't have to "deal" with having had bad sex in the past. Because it IS in the past.
You feel "virginal" because you are OUT OF practice! And what do we say to that? PRACTISE makes perfect!
So tell him you two need to practice a lot, he will probably have no issues with that! It's OK to ask him what he likes, but you could ALSO do a little "research". There is a book by Sadie Allison called "Tickle his Pickle" that gives GREAT ideas for various ways of pleasuring a guy. Read it and try some of them out?
It's also OK to let him LEAD.
Try and turn your mind off.
New guy, new you. Have at it. Stop living in the past.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (3 July 2020):
 You said it best... It's all in your head.
So now that you know where the problem is...Now what??
How do you get out of your head??
Have you tried letting your new guy just have his way with you? Rather than YOU controlling the situation and letting your head get in the way...Let him do it all.
Let him blindfold you, and you just lay back and enjoy whatever comes your way.
It seems you have been the one making all the effort in your past relationships. Let the man lead this time around.
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