A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello.My serious boyfriend of five years has just left me. Its hard to believe in true love, soul mates and fate, since I thought he was my knight in shining armor. I don't know. I feel so betrayed.He gave up. He let us die without so much of a fight. He didn't even try to make amends with me. I did everything I could to stay with him, ask him what he wanted, etc. Asked if he thought I wasn't enough..He assured me I was enough, but we're far too young to be so serious. He wanted to date other people, and if we're both single when we're older, we'll try again.I couldn't agree. I was, and still am, really torn. I just lost my best friend, my lover of five years. We haven't spoken in two days, which is a record. We talked to eachother EVERYDAY..I know this is the end of us. But he was the greatest love of my life. It's hard to move on. I'm not even functioning properly. I feel like I just lost a huge part of me.I used to be a big romantic, the whole soul mate/knight in shining armor/etc part. I loved everything about love. But now, I can't help but feel like I really am silly.I am a light weight, but I started to drink very often out with friends that I used to never hang out with. I would throw up tons, then start again.. I've asked no one to talk about my break up, and I'm glad they haven't. Just yesterday, I told my guy friend that I don't know if I can date anyone seriously again. He leaned in for a kiss, and told me it was okay to use him.We kissed, we hugged, and we made out, with me often stopping him and saying I can't do this to him, since he's my friend. I felt nothing. I didn't feel guilt, I didn't feel butterflies, I didn't feel anything.I thought I should feel embarrassed, I should feel ashamed. But I honestly can't feel anything right now. My friend wants a no strings attached/casual relationship, and I just told him maybe. I would think about it. Afterwards, he drove me home and I told him I was sorry anyways, and that I don't want to use him. He pulled me in for kisses anyways and told me that I would feel better if I did, because his girlfriend of 6 years left him before, so if anyone knew how i was feeling, it would be him. I left the car and reflected on everything.I miss my ex so much. But drinking and kissing someone else, and hugging them do make me feel better if only for a little bit.Help.
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best friend, kissing, miss my ex, move on, my ex, soul mates, soulmate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mamarosa +, writes (29 June 2012):
Hi-
I feel for you. I remember the hope that I had in my twenties. And the terrible disappointment. If it is done for good, then we must assume it wasn't meant to be, because he would have recognized what a treasure you are.
You did the right thing by returning all the stuff. Clean house. Do whatever 'rituals' you need. Believe me it's going to hurt, a lot. But you've got a lot to look forward to.
Your friend is an opportunist. I would not associate with this sort of person.
The demise of a relationship is not a surgical cut, it's a tear. It takes time to heal. There will be a scar. But as a scar fades so will the pain. It will be a reminder of what you've been through, but it won't hurt anymore.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): Hi, this is the OP.Thank you everyone for your feedback and kind answers.I hope I can move on. I hope I do. It's still hard, and this is only my third day, so maybe after a while it won't be so bad anymore.It sort of comforts me knowing I'm not the only person that has gone through this. And I do hope I find 'my one' later in life. I got myself a huge squishable panda to hug at night, so that helps a little bit.Today I just sent back everything that he gave me (including a promise ring and a couple's necklace we both shared) through a third party. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I packed pictures, letters, clothes.. everything. It just didn't feel right keeping. I'll be weary of sleazy men. It's just hard because I have this 'I don't care what happens to me right now' mindset because I feel so miserable and alone. But no more drinking. I don't like alcohol that much anyways.Nonetheless.Thank you again.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (27 June 2012):
 I understand how you feel. I was also with my knight-in-shinging-armor and he basically stopped communicating with me, stopped all intimacy, and then told me he thought we were just "messing around" after 9 years. That was the biggest insult. We communicated everyday too and I thought he was the best thing to ever happen to me. I know it is hard work to get over someone like that. I am still working on it after two years. Please find some support from your family and friends and go do things you enjoy. Don't indulge in activities that will just hurt your more like going out drinking and starting relationships with guys you really don't like/want. Take some time to process this break-up and heal before you get involved with anyone else. It's unfair to you and it's unfair to other men. Besides that, you do not want to be the type of person that "uses" other people. You will just end up in more pain if you involve yourself in that type of relationship.
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A
female
reader, G's_Girl  +, writes (27 June 2012):
 Dear Anonymous,
Sorry to hear of your breakup with your boyfriend, especially after 5 years. Your feelings of betrayal and doubt in true love/soul mates is normal at a time like this. You thought he was your Knight in Shining Armor and perhaps for a time, he was. Perhaps even he believed he was, however sadly with time, he changed as an individual and wanted different things.
The very important sentence in what you shared is the following: "He assured me I was enough" - take that to the bank! It means you are great, you are special, you deserve a great love. What was the problem? NOT YOU. The big problem was: "we're far too young to be so serious". That was the problem. It happens to many people, and if you interviewed a lot of people who divorced in their late 30/40's, many will say it's because they got married too young. So even though right now you are hurt, feeling like your world is upside down and a part of you is missing, it is better it happened now than a few more years down the line. This guy was honest with you, and he has given you the freedom to be with someone who also wants to be totally committed. Instead of cheating on you, he ended things so he could explore who he has become, and who he wants to be. Rather that you are hurt now than later.
The only thing he said which I don't agree with is that later on when you're older if both of you are still single you can try again - good luck to him that you will still be single, because I doubt that ;-) Also, it's unfair that he wants to go dating other people, have his freedom, and when he is ready to settle down, if you happen to still be single then he would be ready to commit? Sadly, I think he has just lost a rare gem and he will have some hard lessons ahead.
You need time to grieve the lost best friend, lover and soul mate you thought you had in him. Research online the grief process, and allow yourself the time to heal. Spend time alone, and time with good people like family and real friends who have your best at heart.
He will always hold a special place in your heart, he was the greatest love of your life, so far. Don't think this is the end. Our hearts have capacity to love, and love again in different ways. Imagine this - no matter how great you felt this love was, imagine that one day you have someone even MORE suited to you, even MORE what you always wanted, and you will be so glad you had the opportunity to meet them and be with them, and you will look on this time in your life as a blessing in disguise which right now seems ludicrous. Have hope, and don't give up on love. You are a romantic at heart, and you deserve all the great true love you hope and dream of. It will come. (It did for me, in time) Be patient, have high standards, and wait on love.
You will find it hard to move on - this was 5 years after all. Just as it took time to weave him into your life, it will need time to weave him out, bit by bit. Out of your room, out of your things, out of your thoughts, and eventually, out of your heart where only the glimmer of what he meant will remain, and the hurt will be healed for you to move on and find greater love and happiness with someone else.
You have lost a huge part of you - the person who was there for you daily, who supported and encourage you, who was your best friend and knew everything about you. Who you shared intimacy with, and your heart's deepest desires. As you slowly but surely process what was, what is now and move on, you will realise who you are, who you were before you met him, where you were headed, and what you still want to achieve with your life, irrespective if he is in it or not. What career did you want? What are your dreams? Set goals for those, and work on it. Get involved in many projects, in things that matter to you and have meaning and make your life fulfilled. Take on hobbies, interests, sports. Give family and good friends your gift of time. Talk about the break up to get over it. Let it go... bit by bit.
You are not silly. You have just been deeply hurt, but don't give up on love. I was exactly like you, full of hope and aspirations for true love. I had a big knock too with an ex boyfriend, but in time, I got over it. When I met THE ONE many years later, I realised how truly blessed I was to have gotten away from the "wrong one" to be with my real Knight in Shining Armour who is everything I ever wanted in a partner - best friend, lover and who I love sharing life with. I'm glad I waited, didn't settle for second best, and am happiest I've ever been in my life.
Please don't use alcohol to drown your sorrows, or to dull the pain. It will only delay your healing, and hurt your body, and your mind. It also gives fake people around you the opportunity to use you. Don't do it, you deserve so much more!
This "guy friend" of yours is not really being a true friend. He is using what is available while you are at your most vulnerable. Rather limit your time with him, and when you do spend time with him, be sober and talk only. He has been through a similar breakup, so rather ask him questions about how he got over it, how he feels now, etc. Don't let him use you. Please don't do it. You were going to think about it - don't do it! FWB is for other people, not you who wants so much from love. You can still have it. One day when you are with the right one, you don't want to remember these drinking binges, and the guy using you for kisses, hugs and more if he can. Keep yourself true until you are with the right one.
Kissing and hugging someone else may feel comforting, but he is a guy and has already been taking freely what is there, don't let him take more. Buy yourself a big teddy bear, and when you feel lonely, hurt, sad and miss your ex, then hug the teddy bear. I too went through a phase where I just missed even the simple act of a kiss. I thought about it, I craved it, but I didn't give in to it. I waited, and when The One came, it was extra special and out of this world to finally kiss again, not just anyone, but someone who I came to love and be loved by.
Don't think of what you have lost - try and think of what you can gain in future! You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You will be happy again, and you will love and be loved greatly once again, in time. Don't settle for FWB with this guy friend, you deserve so much more! Hold out for your hero!!!
Focus on you, see comedy movies and action movies that make you feel strong! Listen to uplifting music. Don't allow yourself to see romantic movies, or books, or music for a while, to allow you to get strong to face the future. Day by day, it will happen. Many of us have been where you are, and we can tell you, it does get better, and you will SMILE and LOVE again :)
Big HUGS for you, and wishing you all the happiness and love you deserve!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): I won't tell you to list off all the reasons your BF wasn't so great. Because it sounds like he was a lot for you and those memories and good times are to be cherished. I will just say that everyone has their flaws and you can find lots of other guys who don't have his particular flaws. And they will have other strengths that you never got to experience with your now-ex-BF.
Your boyfriend might have been a great person for you but he is far from the only one you could feel this way about. Maybe you two were right for each other 5 years ago but people do grow apart. It sucks but it happens a lot. He was such a big part of your life. Im sure you feel like you lost your "one and only" and not just what a school-age girl calls her "boyfriend." That is natural in your shoes right now. But people do move on and find love again, it happens every day all over the world.
As for your other single male "friend" I think he is being sleazy. I think he is taking advantage of your current state for some no-consequences rolling in the hay. A girl in your position is a very easy target for a guy in his position. I guess its possible that he dealt with his breakup by having casual sex and now he genuinely thinks he is doing you a favor. But I doubt his motivations are really all so noble right now. More likely he sees a possible easy lay and he thinks its okay because you are technically single now. Beware of him, that's all I am saying. You don't sound like you were having fun messing with him so far and I don't think you are emotionally ready for dating anyone for a while. He should be able to sense this or at least understand it if you tell him. He should back off if he is really interested in helping you out.
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A
male
reader, jay3532 +, writes (27 June 2012):
relax, first of all, thre are plenty of people who are going through what you are feeling at this present moment, PAIN is UN ESCAPABLE. but you must realize and USE THIS PAIN AS FUEL TO BURN IN YOUR JOURNEY OR EXPERIENCE AND LEARNING. I know its hard to think as it was a abrupt ending, but you must realize its only been 2 days since you havent spoken. Dont show any emotion to him just say 'hey cool, actualy feels great i feel freedom', then see how fast he will come running back, for now GO NC. and focus on yourself and your health and KEEP YOURSELF BUSY. dont sit around doing nothing. Make sure you get involved in activities and keep movig foward. TIME HEALS EVERYTHING. if he comes back to you, ask him marriage or nothing.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (27 June 2012):
 Dont drink and go around kissing random men just to get over the pain, it never helps and you will end up feeling worse about yourself. Get a hold on yourself OP, remember, its not the end of the world. You are an individual first and foremost and that is your identity. Dont lose yourself as being someone's girlfriend, which is what you have done which is why you're feeling so lost and lonely now.
He didnt want to be with you, so what? Its his loss not yours. Its his problem, his decision and you cant change it in any way and neither should you even attempt to because you have more self respect than that.
Get over the knight in shining armour crap OP. You are not a damsel in distress and there will be no knight in shining armour coming to rescue you. You're a strong, independent lady and you can take care of yourself.
Kick this guy to the curb. He obviously didn't feel the same way about you and he didn't bother about you so why should you care about him? Work on healing yourself, get in touch with the real YOU. make new friends, develop a hobby, keep a pet. Do positive, healthy things to distract yourself. Don't go around hurting yourself further, that's the most idiotic way of dealing with pain. Remember, it wont make the LEAST difference to your ex, instead you will be the one getting hurt and making a fool of yourself.
Come on, chin up, get a hold on yourself and conduct yourself with dignity. No man is worth this amount of pain!
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