A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, If you've ever cheated on your partner, then I need your advice.I found out a week ago that my boyfriend of nine years has been cheating on me with another woman for more than 2 years. Other than feeling like I've been hit by a bus, I'm absolutely confused as to why this has happened.To briefly describe the two of us (I have met the woman a couple of times).Me: Love the simple things in life - romance, movies, walks on the beach, swimming, tramping, biking, dancing. I've only slept with my boyfriend and he is my first true love. I also have a big heart, rescuing sick animals and insects and doing charity work.. that kind of thing. I don't drink, play around.. I am extremely honest, open and loyal.HER: Solo mother. Has had multiple partners over her life. Her favourite past time is drinking and clubbing. Enjoys fast cars. Is up all night partying, dresses like a prostitute, there's pictures on her facebook page of her falling over the ground in a drunken mess.. Now, I'm wondering.. my life may be considered by some as boring, but my bf and I did everything together. He hated drinking and clubbing as much as I did.. he even hated social networking sites and all the boozers that post on them about their sad lives! We lived this wonderful lifestyle filled with holidays to themeparks, tramping and enjoying the outdoors. He gave me and our life up for a girl that sleeps during the day and parties at night and is a solo mother to a drug addict.I don't understand. Can someone please explain why you think this could've happened? I was one of those girls that was always there.. the listening ear.. loyal till the end.. would look at myself if there was ever a problem and ask if there was something I could do better in the relationship. He was always so cold and unfeeling and I used to do my best to get him to smile.. to make him laugh.. I brought so much happiness to his life.I'm now absolutely deflated and left wondering WHY?I look forward to hearing your thoughts :(
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male
reader, ReturningtheFavor  +, writes (30 January 2010):
I am a man who was in a nearly 10 year relationship when i was cheated on and it does hurt. It has realy been emotionally damaging. Im glad your going to therapy because it will defintely help. Just telling someone about it will help get pasted it. Men are pigs I will admit that, the grass is always greener on the other side (in our minds) and sometimes a man cant get over that. If he has acted the way you say he is a piece of crap and a real poor example of a man! Im truly sorry you have to go through this. SOunds like he just truly needs to grow up and get this crap out of his system. You deserve much better, its nothing you did, just a poor excuse for a man with out any thread of descency or moral fiber. Find a real man. And if you do see him tell him i said his is a p.o.s. and that if he wants a lesson in being a real man, get in contact with me!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2010): So sorry I feel for you, I speak to you as the other woman. I dated a man who had a girlfriend when we met. But I still fell for him and him for me. And the rest is history. What I can say. I think to love someone first we have to love ourselves. He has issues, she has issues - she let him. And he wanted too bottom line for whatever reason he did it. The thing to ask yourself is did you really not know??? Or did you ignore the signs. Now ask yourself - How much do I love myself - because at the end of the day we have to love ourselves more than to accept unacceptable behavior.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): Hey, I was the anonymous writer but I read your follow-up post and I can say, you definitely described all the things I feel inside..perfectly!
It is true, don't worry you are not alone. I don't feel like going back to him and I know life with him will not be good but I have in my heart, though how many times i deny it, THE DEEPEST LONGING FOR HIM TO SAY HE'S SORRY. For that I will at least prove to myself that I meant something to him. That our time together wasn't a wasted time and that at least he loved me.
Everyday and especially every night, I stare at my phone wishing he could just remember me. The only part of the story that differs in your story and mine is that he broke up with this girl just a month after we broke up as the husband found out.
On and off they still sneak to see each other, on and off he goes back to me. I feel like I have become his rebound. And for this it hurt me even more. Just this week we had an argument about the other woman and we ended things again. I am thinking of buying a new mobile sim tomorrow as I really want to finally cut this.
I suggest just in case he comes back, remember what happened to me. It took me another year to suffer and if I had cut contact from the very start, I would've been better by now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): Well i am in a rela of few years.. everything goin for me is good, with upcomin wedding in a year.. i have cheated twice (told him bou d first time - was forgiven, into hidin bou the second)..
M not proud of it, yet i did it.. no reason as such, jus propb like the feeling of being wanted(i knw!!)..
i do not wana leave my guy,i do love him, have done evrything to make his life happy n i mean EVERYTHING.. my love for him hasnt change at al(no m not kiddin myself).. Its jus teh story of my life
As for urs, he did wat he had to.. its now wat u make of it.. if u have decided to move on..do try ur best to..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): Thanks everyone for your wonderful advice.
In answer to your question, NO.. I don't want him back. I would never ever go back to him and at this stage, I don't even think I would speak to him again.
Since finding out, I've only communicated through email. I asked him to return what's mine to my doorstep. He snuck around my house in the early hours so he didn't have to face anyone and sent me an email later in the morning telling me he had no idea why I was angry but agreed to end the relationship. My family and I are absolutely shocked considering he never gave me a decent explanation after a NINE year relationship.
Even though I would never touch him again with a barge pole (I wasted too many years already), I would still love for him to want ME back. It's the initial rejection that's so hard to recover from. The fact he chose HER over ME and wanting to know why I wasn't enough (like one of you said in your answers). That's the part I keep going back to in my head.. and I have to keep training my thoughts and telling myself it wasn't me. You wouldn't believe it, but I was the perfect girlfriend.... I got a little self-absorbed if I had a dilemma or something.. but for a woman to say her only fault was she talked about her problems a bit too much is a pretty small thing in my opinion.
I had sent him an email saying I was doing well and I thought this was a great thing to have happened, because I could now find someone who loves me with his whole heart. I ended communication there, with him thinking I'm happy to be moving onto bigger and better things.. but the truth is.. I've booked myself into a therapist to talk things through.. and it's going to be a hard slog to get myself over this.
Everyday I check my phone, there aren't any messages. I check my email religiously.. no messages. I drive by his house.. no sign of life (he actually disappeared for a WEEK after I'd sent him that last email). I go to the places I know he'll be and secretly hope he'll be there and approach me to attempt to explain.. but he's no where to be found.
I hate him more than anything or anyone in the world.. yet I want him to be begging me to come back.. as validation... so I can at least tell him to piss off but at the same time knew I meant SOMETHING to him. Right now, with no communication.. no "I love you's" or "I'm sorry's".. I'm left to think our relationship was nothing to him but a trap.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): I was myself cheated on like the situation you're in. And believe me, I cannot believe too that he left me for a girl who is married. I wasn't the doormat type actually I knew what I want and know what is right or wrong. He was so lucky with me. I was loyal and never looked sideways. No one has ever touched me but him. I gave him all the freedom, i never was an annoying girlfriend. I don't ask money, I have my own. I always considered his welfare. And I never knew behind my back he was seeing this mother and wife who cheated her husband many times and left her kid to be raised by other people. I can't believe he left me for her. Until now, when i think about it..i just come to the conclusion that some man just wanted something dangerous not something stable. They are thrilled with sneaking to hotels outside of town and keeping 2 phones and texting other people while texting you. I don't know, maybe we just got the wrong man.And while this ex of mine claimed that he loved this girl, why would he cheat on her with me? I mean, why if he knew he loved her..he should have not have sexual relations with me if he loves somebody else. Other than that, why would he still keep looking for someone new other than me and this girl? It is so unbelievable men like these exist.Anyway, past is past. What we should do is next time, learn to spot people like this and run as fast as we can before they can even get your number.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 January 2010):
 You BF is messed up. Simple as that. As for the exact reason to why he cheated? Because he is lacking in the morals, ethics and quite frankly in the faithfulness department. He carried on seeing her for 2 years before ending the life he knew and seemingly loved.
He wanted to have his cake and eat it too.
His loss.
They most likely won't last. Sooner or later one of them will cheat again.
I'm sorry he broke your heart, he just wasn't worthy.
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A
female
reader, sick  +, writes (27 January 2010):
quarter life crisis
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 January 2010):
 I was cheated on, forgave him, forgave him again and in the end I, and my three kids, were dumped for an older woman who ended up taking him to the cleaners.
Ah well.
But that isnt what you asked, you what to know why.... it's hard to say, and if you ask him he probably wont be able to give a coherant answer either.
Maybe he felt he was in a rut, maybe his life was so organised and ordinary that he felt he needed something chaotic to happen, and she sounds like it -- maybe there was some weird attraction and he actually loves her.
Two years is a long time to have the wool pulled over your eyes, did you ever have a gut feeling something in your relationship was out of kilter?
Maybe he wanted to break up with you, and thought he could get you to do it by him having an affair, if that makes sense (it does happen that way)
I don't honestly know if after two years you can get your relationship back on track, if thats what you want.
It will take a while to get over it, but if thats what you have to do, thats what you have to do.
I hope you find some sort of answer to help you through this
good luck
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