A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I was wondering whether I could have your honest advice.Well there's actually two things I want your opinion on.Firstly, a week ago I found out my boyfriend of nine years had been cheating on me with another girl for at least a year. I have been speaking with the girl (under a fake ID online.. it was the only way I discovered what was happening).. and she said it had been an ongoing thing for 10 years.. but I don't actually believe it could've carried on when I was seeing him everyday and she lived 5 hours away.. (well this is what I'm telling myself so I can sleep at night). This guy was everything to me. I'd been with him since I was 18. He was what I thought was my soulmate. We had no romance in the last few years of the relationship, but continued seeing each other everyday. He never wanted to be close or touch me intimately, but with his work troubles, I just tried to be a listening ear for when he wanted to open up about things.. I always thought we'd work through our problems and come out the other side better off. What stopped me from ever straying, was that he had been there for me during tough times in my life.. I also felt I'd invested so much quality time.. and we had so much history.. PLUS I truely truely loved him. So this is the biggest rejection of my life.. my heart is broken. I have two questions. He knows I know about the affair, but he has no idea how much I know and that I even have access to pictures of the two of them.. (as heartbreaking as this was for me to see). It is within my power to make his life where we live (in a small city), hell on earth. But because of everything we shared over nine years and because this was real, at least for ME... I keep thinking it's healthier for me just to put this behind me and move on with my life.. and hope that he gets what he deserves. I was wondering what you thought the right thing to do was? Am I just rolling over and being the victim? Or am I the better person, not lowering myself to their standards, because believe me.. this girl has been in love with him for 10 years, she's going to retaliate if I do or say something.. and I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle it right now.Secondly, has anyone out there ever been cheated on or CHEATED on their partner? I'm trying to figure out whether my boyfriend felt anything for me at all. Did he EVER love me.. at those times he took care of me when I was sick... saved me from my horrible boss... stood up for me in front of bullies.... did he ever care about me at all.. or was he just using me as companionship for when his bit on the side was unavailable? It's the personal rejection that's the hardest thing to take.. plus the fact I thought we had such a loving and trusting relationship. He was my friend first and I told him no matter what happens I wanted the two of us to always remain friends, to be 100% honest and trust each other completely... so I'm grieving, mostly, for the friend I thought I had :(Look forward to hearing your thoughts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): Thanks everyone for your wonderful advice.
The intimacy faded years ago, but I blamed myself because I could not enjoy sex. It was very painful and uncomfortable for me and I thought it was because he always had an excuse for why he wouldn't move out of his parents place and we had no privacy.. but I found out a year ago that I actually have a birth defect which requires major surgery, but by the time I realised it was a physical problem, he was already getting it elsewhere and so of course, there was never the right time to even TRY again. :(
Before anyone abuses me and tells me "How could you expect him to stay without sex", we had discussed the problem over many years.. I had asked if we could go to a sex therapist, he wasn't interested.. I had suggested different things we could do.. he became uninterested in ANY kind of intimacy. In fact, the only time he actually put his arm around me was when I thought I had seen him get into this other woman's car a month ago and he denied it when I confronted him about it.. and he must've felt some sympathy for me while I sat there sick with suspicion.
I'm just so angry that I DID see the signs and didn't leave him.. for a year.. but told myself he was confused about his career. He'd just left his job after 10 years in the company and this would cause a lot of men to feel stressed and withdrawn. But this man took my honesty, my understanding and my trust and completely used it to exploit me. I have to keep stopping myself from wishing him dead.
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (27 January 2010):
You are literally describing me. I completely understand what you are going through. I chose to end my marriage after the infidelity. I no longer believed anything he told me. Even when he shed tears to beg for me back I didn't buy it. Now a few years later we are on good terms and I have moved on; so he recently told me that he never cheated on me because of something I did. He said he was with the other woman purely because of opportunity and greed. He admitted that the relationship with her was purely sexual and he slept with her because she agreed to be available to him. He said our sex life was better because it was more emotional and he felt connected to me. He said every time he slept with her he felt sick with guilt but a week later he would go back to her again and this went on for a year. He says this knowing we will never be together again; so I believe him now. The minute I broke up with him he couldn't even see that other woman again. He told her (in front of me) he was repulsed by her.
You have to understand that unlike women, men are able to have a purely sexual unemotional relationship with someone. This however does not excuse such deceitful behaviour. If you decide to forgive him there should be drastic consequences. You have to take your relationship to a crisis so that he shudders at the memory everytime he sees another possible candidate for an affair in future. If you decide to move on, move on with dignity. Don't get into a spat with him or the other woman if you can help it. But do allow yourself to cry if you need to so you can slowly begin to heal. I admit its one of the most painful things I've had to endure. This is because you never really get closure or a satisfactory answer to why why why? You blame yourself, you tell yourself you're not good enough, pretty enough, on and on. You ask yourself what's wrong with you that made him feel you were not enough. Your confidence is literally out the window. So allow yourself to take each day step by step. And remember that it was not anything you did or could have done. He's the one who destroyed the relationship with his behaviour. I wish you all the best in your recovery.
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