| A
age
41-50,
*
writes: I have been in a relationship with a man (in recovery from alcohol) for 8 months. A few months back things got a little rocky as hes still not fully divorced that's not final for about 2 more months. I have not met his children, nor him mine. His ex wife does know I exist. They apparently planned a trip to Disney with the children at the beginning of the summer to go over the holidays. He mentioned it to me, then things got rocky between us. I recently learned that the plans have been confirmed, they will have separate rooms and hes assured me that in no way does this have to do with him rekindling the relationship with her, its simply for the kids.While I understand the children aspect I am still quite nauseated over the thought of 9 days of them together as a family in the most magical place in the world. I feel anxious about it, disrespected, and as though my feelings on it are irrelevant. I also feel like its creating false hope for his children as they do not know I exist yet. The divorce is final in a few months, which he has assured me at that point we can be more public about our relationship. Such as posting photos on fb or me meeting his friends and family. I spoke to her via email about posting on social media and she claims they agreed to not post until after the divorce was final bc they didn't feel the need to explain to "extended" people their personal life. Looking on fb while their relationship status shows "none" they still have photos together and often tag of times they do things with the kids (not photos together though)They have weekly family dinners, and sometimes do things over the weekend together as a family like bowling or a sports event.I am not sure how to proceed. Oure relationship is excellent other wise, although I am growing extremely tired of waiting for him to be ready. Any imput is valued. Thanks!
View related questions:
divorce, ex-wife, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (19 August 2017):
 Oh great... its Disneyland to the rescue, too soften the blow of their parents’ divorce! How many soon to be divorced couples take their children to Disney as a last hoorah to their family unit, hoping the children will have memories of Mommy and Daddy being together? I wonder whether it'll be a child's worse nightmare in the later years, as they associate their first visit to Disneyland with the crappy breakup of their parents. Creating false hope? Yes indeed!
Apart from that, 8 months is still early days when there are children involved on both sides. And if he intends to keep up with the charade of happy family dinners etc, except for school activities I don’t see him ready, as fair, committed or right for you. Please keep in mind, he not only is going through what is a most stressful time in anyone’s life, he also is treading to stay sober and dealing with issues of a recovering alcoholic. He needs to keep to the 12 Steps etc.
For now I do think you very wise for not introducing your children to him while his situation is ongoing. Meanwhile it does feel like you’re treated as a closet GF when his children don’t know you exist!? I can only imagine the further shock of discovering Daddy had a GF all this time while he was playing happy families with them and Mommy.
Take Care - CAA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2017): Wise owl I don't think it fair to insinuate that OP she is jealous of his children or there is any evidence of him picking between her or his kids. Playing happy families with family time and a family holiday in my opinion isn't actually either necessary nor fair on the children because it isn't real. Sooner or later one of the parents has a new partner and there's a change in dynamic. Then kids have to get used to that too.It's booked now, so what can she do? But really I think neither parent realizes - because they haven't been through it yet- that this arrangement can't last if either are to have a future with another partner because most people won't wear this type of thing, and that WILL affect the kids unnecessarily when clearer expectations can be sorted now for all
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2017): Jealousy in an adult towards children is quite unattractive.
I'm an advocate for innocent kids. What ever they need and deserve to get them through what adults create for them in this world, give it to them. They had no choice in being here, and little voice in what happens to them.
You can "anxious" yourself right out of a relationship, and right out the door.
You fit where you're supposed to fit. In waiting until he's back from the vacation with his family, and the finalization of his divorce. It's a fine place for a patient and understanding woman. It's better than being a bobble-headed mistress waiting for a man who will never leave his wife.
If he has to make a choice between you and his kids, my dear lady; guess who it will be?
If you're feeling under appreciated; you can make your exit at any given time. Your options are open. He just ended a marriage with a woman he couldn't live with. I guess he's still in practice and prepared to go down that road again if need be.
Think about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2017): I don't agree with the vast majority of advice on here... there seems to be a lot of comments that insinuate somehow you don't realise he's a parent, and he and her are parents together forever... yak yak. It is screamingly clear you totally understand this. What I don't see as clear is actually the effect of happy families on the children... I don't buy that it's all healthy and good for them. Family meals in the family home? Cosy... till daddy has a new girlfriend and the kids are hit In the heart all over again. Holiday together? No way. This is messing with the kids totally.
I speak from experience before the aunts shout me down here too. I split from my ex, and we have always gotten on yet haven't engaging in all this nonsense play acting and pretending, giving mixed messages to the kids. We supported them through it and they know they were loved, and life changed. I was with a guy for three years who had been split up for two years longer than me. I was the first woman he introduced to his kids, and they had been split for nearly three years in all and carried on with family meals and outings together etc etc... his children absolutely flipped. In all those years they thought their mum and dad would get back together.Thier break up hit them all over again... it was awful. I remember the youngest saying to him but what about mummy? Whilst crying. My kids were a year into the process of knowing their parents had split and were fine with me being with someone new.
Family pretend is a nonsense. Yes of course be nice and chatty and go to school events and organize birthdays etc- sure. But there it ends, and yes you are right to be feeling as you do about this nonsense family holiday business... actually the whole carry on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (18 August 2017):
 Nothing you have posted rings any alarm bells for me - except your impatience. This sounds like a couple who no longer want to be married to each other but who want to stay on good terms for the sake of the children they share. You don't mention the father of YOUR children? Are you perhaps jealous of your boyfriend's relationship with his ex because you do not share a good relationship with yours?
You have spoken with the soon-to-be ex-wife so you know your boyfriend is not telling you a pack of lies. Disneyland might be "magical" for children but it is hardly a romantic setting for adults. Even if it were, they have obviously not entered into divorce lightly, so being together for 9 days is hardly going to make much difference to them.
I've never understood people's need to post their lives on social media. I mean, what are you trying to prove? And to who? Heh world, look, I have a boyfriend? You're not an immature teenager. Stop acting like one. That stuff is really not important. In fact, I find from observing my friends' relationships that the happiest ones are the ones which are least mentioned on social media because the people involved are too busy being happy to feel a need to share every glass of wine or meal with their "friends".
The fact that neither of your respective children know about you is a good thing and protects the children. There is plenty of time to get the children involved in your relationship when you decide whether you want it to be long-term.
If you do decide you want to try to make a go of it with this man, you need to accept that his children are part of him and will always be part of his life. As such, he will always have contact with his ex, who will always remain their mother. She sounds like a very level-headed sensible lady. You could learn a lot from her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2017): You chose to commit to a man before his divorce is final. You also chose to commit to a man with kids. You realized his kids have a mother; who happens to be the woman he is divorcing. He is divorcing their mother, not his kids.
When you enter a relationship with a ready-made family, you have to be prepared for such things. Your good-behavior and understanding will earn you points.
Mothers are not particularly comfortable with parting with their small children, while they go on vacations without them. Unless they are children in their teens; it usually isn't planned that way. As they grow older, she will feel more comfortable allowing them to vacation with their father without her. In this case, they haven't finalized the divorce; but the children should not be deprived of a summer vacation as a family, because of their parent's divorce. They've decided to be civil and do something wonderful for the children, in spite of their own differences.
It's not a reconciliation; it's a family parting on good terms. Allowing the children to see them separate with happy memories they can keep as a family forever.
If it is a reconciliation, better you know now than later. In any case; you have the option not to date a man with kids and an ex-wife.
They are bound together for life; because they share children. They are parents, and will co-parent their brood; which means they will have to be around each other.
You will have to grow accustomed to your boyfriend spending time with his kids, in the presence of their mom. Their mother will accompany him on many occasions; because sometimes it takes two to keep track of more than one small child, especially in a place like Disneyland. The children will have recitals, games, and school plays. Both parents will attend. With, or without you.
During the divorce proceedings, the kids went through a lot. They have to witness their family coming apart. They have serious psychological adjustments to make. Put yourself in their shoes. This is their last summer together as a family. It will be different after the divorce. They know it; or will soon learn, if they don't.
Have a heart.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI fully agree that as little impact to the kids as possible is great thing. I have fully supported him in having family dinners and being a "separated family" so to speak. I have a great relationship with my ex as well. We attend school events etc together. Which is great for the kids. I do feel a family vacation is across many boundaries that have yet to be completely set by him. My biggest struggle is how I fit, and frankly as you stated I DONT. I feel as though I have been more than patient and understanding, however this one stings. I did not think about the "who gets the glory" as far as Disney. He has stated that at some point he would like all of us to do things like this together. Although I assume that such statements are simply in an effort to soothe my anxious nature over the topic. You're correct I really need to think about what I am willing to accept and what I am not. Thank you for your insight.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 August 2017):
 You DO know that when the divorce is final NOTHING will change, right? The weekly dinners will continue FOR the children, spending time together at the kids' school events, sports/activities etc. THAT will likely not stop.
They SHARE two kids and seem to want an amicable divorce and relationship. Which I (as a parent) can totally understand but I can also see how it must feel and look from your end, and I wouldn't like it but I CAN respect it.
And yes, they will likely play "happy family" at Disney. Again, FOR the kids. They are trying to make the whole divorce as low impact on the kids as possible - YOUR feelings are NOT a concern for either of them.
Photos on Facebook is such a minor thing, TBH.
I think it's GOOD that HIS (and your) kids haven't heard of or met him/you yet. I think waiting till the divorce is final is much better. Personally, I don't think people should EVER consider dating until the ink is dry and at least a year has passed, especially when there are younger children involved.
Back to your questions:
Is it normal? I don't think there is a "normal" setting for how people handle divorce and kids. THEY have chosen this path for THEIR family. Whether you like it or not? Irrelevant (to them).
Is it OK? Well, I'd say yes. You are dating a MARRIED guy. Until that divorce is final he is STILL married. I think (again, as a parent) that I would want the split up as easy as smooth as possible FOR the kids. Though I personally think "family" vacation with an almost ex-spouse is rather ridiculous. Maybe it's something they wanted to do a long time ago but due to circumstances it never happened so they do it together instead of the mom or dad getting all the "glory" for taking the kids. Would I go on holiday with a man I was about to divorce? Nope. But I'm not her or him.
I understand why you worry and why you feel disrespected. Because it DOES seem like you don't factor in what so ever and that he is using the "not until the divorce is final excuse" over and over. He didn't HESITATE to date you while NOT being divorced so it was OK for you to CARE for him, get to know him and all these things, but in the bigger picture you mean, NOTHING till the divorce is final. At least that is how it looks.
YOU have to decide if this is OK with you. That SHE (or you) will be the 3rd wheel in your relationship. While, again, I'm ALL for divorced parents being civil and amicable and grown up about it - I would not like this scenario at all. And this is WHY I always advise people to NOT "date" married people, separated, almost divorced or not.
Remember that SHE is the mother of his children and always WILL be, and if this vacation is ANY indication of how they want to proceed with the divorce - she will ALWAYS be part of YOUR relationship. A piece of paper with the divorce being final makes no difference.
So do you want to date a man who will spend a day of the week at his ex-wife house or out to dinner with her and the kids? She might NOT want to be part of one big happy blended family, you might NOT either.
Think about it. Maybe have a GOOD long think while he is off to Disneyland....
...............................
|
