A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Guys,I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years with a brief break in the middle. I have just discovered that he has been texting/sexting his ex from around 5-6 years ago, possibly his first official relationship.From the beginning, we have been together 4 years, our first year of our relationship ending with him breaking up with me due to me being unsupportive in the beginning, we then went our separate ways, moved on to different people etc. Following a few months, I tried to contact him but he didn't want anything but a sexual relationship at this point.. Which resulted in a lot of lost trust in him on my part in the end. Obviously, a mistake, but i allowed him to use me for a good month or so because i cared for him so much and wanted anything i could get with him. But ended up coming back to each other 9 months later, where we re-kindled, following a lot of grovelling on his part. Now since that rekindling, we have had our issues and have been in a forever developing relationship for the past 2-3 years. We are maintaining a long distance relationship since the beginning, and obviously that comes with its challenges. Alongside the fact there is a 4 year age gap between us, because of this my parents and his have not been aware of the relationship since very recently. Having hit such a large hurdle in our relationship and getting stronger by the minute... What has happened next has shaken me and our relationship up massively. For the past few months or so my boyfriend has been very conscious of his phone, he has put this down to "wanting more privacy" and i should respect his space. Which of course because he has said this although i made clear my concerns, allowed him to have this space/privacy as i know have full trust for him. However, in a weak moment and the realisation that my partner has never been this defensive of his phone in the 4 years i have known him, i sneakily checked his phone to see what he could be hiding. I find that he has been texting his ex for the past month solidly, sexting and flirting. This ex was around before our relationship and when he was considerably younger 5-6 years ago. The ex was not giving him anything back, and it was all very much played on his part. I obviously confronted my boyfriend in floods of tears, with all my trust in him now completely shattered. His reason being seeming very odd... He feels like this ex (of 6 years ago) was the only area of his life that he felt was unresolved. (She ended up ditching him for his best friend, leaving him with no friends and "destroying his life" for 2 years as he puts it.) He has said that he wanted her to want him so that he could chin her off like she did him. I am obviously struggling to believe this as my trust is broken... I said he did it, thinking naively that i would never find out, he could hurt her and still have the time of his life with me. He then proceeded to tell me he has speaking to his ex for the past 3 months solidly. From my perspective, he was manipulative in the way he made me feel bad for not giving him space with his phone, i feel lied to that i see he has cheated on me to an extent, i wonder what else might have happened although he promises nothing would have gone further than phone, but what do i know nowWe have been very serious about each, we have planned our futures together, i love him to bits.I just doubt his honesty, and not sure what to do going forward... Any advice would be extremely welcome and grateful.Thank you so much xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2016): Hey OPI've been in your shoes and I know the pain you are in. While I respect everyone's opinion and I think you should take on board everything that has been said you need to decide what's best for YOUR situation. My fiance cheated on me about a year into our relationship. All the advice I got was to leave but I decided to stay. While it was hard and there were bad times we made it through and we are now stronger than ever 5 years later. Only you know where you want to go from here it is not impossible to move past something like this and if you can it will probably make your relationship stronger. My fiance realised what he had done and since that day has treated me better than he ever had before and now we are happier than ever. It took a long time to rebuild the trust in the relationship but I can now honestly say I trust him completely.Just thought I'd share my experience since it feels relevant to yours I hope you're happy no matter how things go for you xxxxx
A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (29 June 2016):
Cindy cares...perfect!
And brown wolf... Boyfriends are only there to help you choose the right guy for life.
Come on OP. What's your next move? There isn't anyone here who would think what hes told you is true for a second...hes a liar at best, a narcissist at worse.
Hes only sorry that you found out... If you hadn't looked, you'd literally never ever know. Apart from anything else, how utterly disrespectful to you! Plus I doubt it would have stayed at texting....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 June 2016):
 Aww, OP
You really need to have a little reality check here. His excuse is bogus. You don't sext someone to find closure, come on - don't be so desperate to have a relationship that you are willing to let this (or any other guy) take a dump all over you.
And even IF... it was about getting revenge or even with the ex.... WHAT kind of person does that? A sick one.
You know he isn't a stellar BF, there is a GOOD reason you didn't tell your family about him. Because there were some rather "iffy" parts about him. Secondly it's an LDR but I see no plans to move closer for either of you.
YOU made a mistake taking him back after the "break" you two had. But that I will chalk up to you giving it a chance, same with you respecting his privacy with his phone. Again... YOU are a smart cookie who KNOWS when something is off, you just accept the easiest excuse to ignore it, until you can't and then you little house of straws fall down.
LISTEN to you gut. It's been trying to tell you something, and I think you are doing yourself a disservice by thinking love can fix everything. Seems to me that you are bending over backwards to try and trust him and maintain this relationship and what does he do? He decides to go behind your back and do things he KNOWS are not OK in a relationship. Whether he is telling the truth on his reasoning to sext/text her... it's irrelevant. WHO does that?
You two have "talked" and "planned" your futures, so what? Plans change. People don't. HE is still the guy who was OK to use you for sex and who is OK sexting another woman behind your back while LYING to you. He is not a Keeper.
I think, to be very frank, that you are wasting your time being in a relationship with a guy who thinks this kind of behavior is OK. And it's not that he is sorry he went behind your back, or that he lied to you.... he is sorry he got caught.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 June 2016):
 You know the answer, right? Do we even need to tell you that he's lying and he's an absolute piece of filth, someone you need to do away with immediately?
Do you really see a future with this creep?
Basically he's doomed either way... Either he's cheating on you and got caught and made up a pathetic lie so in any case it's over, or, he's really a very scary guy who's mentally unstable, who's fixating on his past and wants to hurt his ex after 6 years... So it's still over.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 June 2016):
 Lucky for you, your Bf has just come up with some creative bullshit, but it's still bullshit.
I say " lucky for you " , because, imagine if what he says were true : what a nasty piece of work he would be.
" He wanted her to want him so that he could chin her off like she did him ". After SIX years ?!! " He thought he could hurt her and still have the time of his life with me ".
Spoken like a true narcissist- or even a sociopath.
Again, luckily, in all probability he is not such seriously warped individual- just an immature entitled little prick who wants to keep his cake and eat it too , and is very good at throwing you a few straws that you can grasp at so that you can find excuses to his inexcusable behaviour.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (29 June 2016):
I am pretty sure you know where this is going. Problem is, you have invested so much of yourself into this relationship, you don't want to let go.
If your gut tells you not to trust him...then do not wait to get your heart ripped out. Do what you need to do.
Boyfriends are only there to help you choose the right guy for life. You do not hold on to the bad ones. When you do that, you leave very little room for the good ones.
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