A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend and i have been together nearly a year and have been friends for 8. We recently had a chat about children I'm nearly 26 and he is 22. He comes from quite a large family and seems to have a wonderful bond with his nieces and nephew, he is so relaxed and in control with the children. I always thought i would never want kids but i love this man and watching him with those children makes me want to have a family. Im not talking right now, im about to go back to uni so another 3 years at least. He told me though that he didn't think he would ever want children, i was devestated but i couldn't say anything because previously (before we were together) i had stated quite heavily that i didn't want children. Now im not sure what i should do i really love him i think we are a forever kind of deal but how do i know if he will change his mind about having children. If i end it with him now we will both be un happy and i may never find a person i love this much that i would ever consider starting a family with. I don;t know what to do because i dont want to scare him away.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 July 2010):
If you think you want children, and he doesn't, then you need to end it. He wont' suddenly change his mind. You only have to read some of the posts on here about women who have tried in some way to change men, or have waited for them to change. They don't. If he has said he does not want kids, and you think that you might, don't waste your time.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (6 July 2010):
 I think it is massively important to talk about this before your relationship progresses any further.
I will give you one example of some family friends of mine - Claire and her partner were very much in love, had been together a few years when he proposed and of course she said yes. He was the love of her life and they were the happiest couple I knew. Wedding was beautiful, no expense spared, lots of guests and the whole day was lovely. 1 year into the marriage they announce out of the blue they are getting a divorce and everyone was so shocked as they were the perfect couple! When we found out the reason, it was because Claire wanted children and her husband did not. They had not talked about it before the wedding because they were "so in love" it didnt seem to matter at the time. But once they were married and thinking about "what next", Claire realised she could not give up on her dream of having a family despite how much she loved her husband and despite how great they were together. And equally he would not have children under any circumstances, he simply did not want them!
So they went their separate ways, and a few years later she re-married a lovely man and they have a family now. This is a true story, and I think it just goes to show that communication is critical, and the earlier you talk about such matters the better. Yes it will be a tough conversation but you will regret it later on if you dont talk now!
Just sit down with him and say everything you have said on here, how you never really thought about kids but the idea of having a family with him is very appealing and you have come to the conclusion you would like to have children in the future. Explain you still want to go to uni and that this wont be happening for at least 3 years. Then ask him how he feels about children and whether he can see himself having a family one day. I know you have already had this chat but you need to include how you feel first, then see what he has to say. Make sure he knows that you are not trying to pressure him, just that you want to discuss this so you are both on the same page and heading in the right direction together.
If he still thinks he wont ever want children, well it has to be your decision. Can you give up having a family all for him? Will you resent him when you are married in your late 30's/40's, when all your friends have kids but you do not? Yes love is very special, and when you have found a great guy you should do your best to hold onto him. But not at a cost, especially if having children is important to you. You have to basically choose - your boyfriend or your future family. And it is hard when one of the choices is so far in the future you cant really imagine it yet!
But the main thing to remember is that as much as you love him now, if you end up resenting him for not letting you have the family you want to have, the relationship will never be able to recover, you will both be unhappy and the chances are you will be too old to leave him and go on to have a family.
So first things first - talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel. If he gets scared then clearly he is a silly little boy that cannot handle a real relationship. You have been together long enough now to be able to have serious discussions about your future, after all, there is no point in investing into a long term relationship if you both dont want the same things, so he should be able to be adult about this and listen to your side of things too.
Once you have had a chat with him, then it is purely up to you what you do next. It is a personal choice whether you can stay with him and love him and be happy knowing you will never have a family. Or is a family something that will be so important to you in 3 years time it is best not to waste any more time with a man who cannot give you what you want? Again, this has to be your decision based on what is most important to you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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