A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I buy my boyfriend nice gifts, all the time. Golf stuff, beer stuff, nice ties... He really doesn't do anything for me at all. He brought me a book for my birthday and a sex toy and that's about it.Otherwise, our relationship (one year so far) is fine...I don't know, I just look at other people's relationships and see that their husbands/boyfriends do lots of nice things for them. Buy them clothes, give them flowers, etc.This is just now bothering me... I usually don't even second guess getting him something to make him happy or feel good. I see something, "oh! He'd really like this" and get it... But the thought crossed my mind that, "hey! he doesn't really get me anything...".A few weeks ago he said out of the blue, "I should get you something" and that was the end of that.It just bothers me a bit. Our relationship is good but I would love gifts or just something so I know he's thinking about me... It actually really got me down after seeing a friend's husband send her flowers to her job. It was so sweet. My boyfriend wouldn't do anything like that..Do you think this is petty of me or is this a problem?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 August 2014):
 Dear FA :)
Amazon's wish list have been my "saving grace" when it comes to being "gifted" for birthday/Christmas. My husband has been of the "let's be practical" attitude for YEARS (heck a decade at least) where I would get a vacuum cleaner as a present(because we needed a new one) so BAM! present and being practical. And for me.. that is a total no-no lol Took me YEARS to explain, as he himself would have been happy to get an oil change for the car or new tires... (not that I would do that).
As for the rest, I wish there WAS a manual, but I really do think it comes down to the individual couple.
My husband is a BIG fan of asking, DO you need help with anything, because he KNOWS I will say no, I'm good 99% of the time. Now I have started to say yes here and there just to see what happens.. poor man. So, like I said, a manual would be great!
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (30 August 2014):
 Well said Cindy! I liked your original answer :-)
Mark
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 August 2014):
 Thanks OP for your feedback.
SO : the OP ( to whom , and ONLY to whom, I was solely answering ,btw ) did not find my answer offensive or mean. In fact, she found it helpful. CASE CLOSED.
As for DC colleagues who don't like the way I word my answers, - thank you for your input, but I'll have to disregard it and keep writing exactly what I see fit. Always in the respect of DC guidelines, of course. We have Moderators at DC, excellent and sharp eyed Moderators , and I am sure they would not be shy in letting me know and pulling my ears if they felt that I am being inappropriate or insulting to other Aunts.
I am not sure what " comparing " answers is supposed to mean,... but, just for the record, there are no rules at DC against reading or commenting , positively OR negatively , other posters' answers. There's no rule against saying " Brilliant, I agree with you " or " No, I totally disagree " or " I agree to some extent, but ... ". There's no rule which says one has to focus / not focus on something specific , or that she /he cannot take inspiration from something written by another respondent to develop a concept, or use someone else's words to make a certain point in ref. to a poster's issue. It's called having a debate, or ,simply, a conversation , a civil ( and often useful for the OP ) exchange of opinions.
Again, there are Moderators to make up rules and enforce them- -let's not steal their job and come up with our own rules.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2014): OP here
Actually I've not abandoned this post... I'm still reading it Fatherly Advice!!!
I appreciate everyone who has answered. I will definitely look into the book about love languages.. actually going to do that now and search for the quiz (although something tells me my results will have something to do with gift giving!)
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 August 2014):
 Well, I'm pretty sure the OP has abandoned us. I could throw around some blame for that but chances are it is just a typical post and forget that happens here so often.
If no one objects I'd like to hijack the thread and chase down a tangent.
Our OP and Honey have both hinted at an idea that has haunted and confused me as a guy for years.
quote from Honeypie: "Another thing you can try is BUY him flowers (doesn't have to be expensive). But to DO something for your BF that you would LIKE for him to do for you (without having to tell him) is by SHOWING him. Now your BF seems a little on the dense side when it comes to materialistically spoiling you, so he might NOT pick up on that "hint"."
Quote from OP: "I buy my boyfriend nice gifts, all the time. ... He really doesn't do anything for me at all."
I guess I am Dense as a brick. If my wife wants a back rub she rubs my shoulder. I'm thinking, that's nice dear, but I'm reading right now and my back is fine. Now is she rubbed her own back I would get it. maybe. Lets try something else. Back in the early days of our relationship I found a card that seemed to perfectly express my feelings. I bought it in advance and delivered it on the morning of valentines. So what does she do? runs out and gets a card. I didn't want a card, I was just expressing my feelings in a way I understood. You would think over 25 years we would figure this out. But she still hints by giving me what she wants. I should box it up and re-gift it to her.
O K that is getting to be a rant, so it must be time to just ask the **** question. Does anyone, on all of Dear Cupid, have any experience that would indicate that this actually works? I mean except for my wife buying me a return valentines card which was an unintentional hint.
By the Way Honey I showed my Wife how to access my Amazon wish list just a week ago. I'm hoping.
FA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 August 2014):
This is actually a hard topic in some ways. Because if you say I WANT gifts from my partner, some people will think you are either needy or materialistic. BUT the truth is EVERYONE likes to get spoiled even in little ways.
My husband is really the most unromantic man I have ever met. And the worst gift-giver. (until I showed him my Amazon wishlist, that really helped) I have adjusted to how HE works and in some ways he has adjusted to how I work.
The book SVC mentions (5 languages of love) is a VERY good book both for people who are JUST starting out dating, but also for those who have been together a good while.
I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong in mentioning to your BF that you enjoy flowers. It definitely better than feeling a twinge of resentment because he doesn't "give" you stuff.
And there is also the thing women have a tendency to do is tell a guy, Oh you don't have to do this or that. I'm guilty of it. I have told my husband to not buy expensive flowers for me. They only last a few days, so I'd rather save the money for other things. Now he took that LITERAL and I can probably count on one hand the times I got flowers in the 18 almost 19 years together... And that.. IS MY own fault.
So, be OK with talking to him, BE OK with expressing NEEDS/WANTS. It's part of being in a relationship, to TALK about what is going on, how to improve things, how to move forward. And it's not petty to want to be a little spoiled every now and then, AS LONG as you don't buy HIM gifts in hope that he will reciprocate.
Another thing you can try is BUY him flowers (doesn't have to be expensive). But to DO something for your BF that you would LIKE for him to do for you (without having to tell him) is by SHOWING him. Now your BF seems a little on the dense side when it comes to materialistically spoiling you, so he might NOT pick up on that "hint".
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Just had to add this....
The uncles and aunties do NOT have to agree. This is a site for PERSONAL advice not for group hugs.
If YOU (aunties/uncles) have a problem with HOW an Auntie/Uncle give advice - HOW ABOUT you tell her/him through the PM system? Less drama, more HELP for the OP.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 August 2014):
I'd just like to quickly repeat the advice to look into the love languages book / website. This really is at the heart of OP's question. He needs the information as much as she does.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2014): I just want to say that I read this site regularly and CindyCares routinely gives extremely good advice and is very kind and patient to do so. The point about having a website where many people can respond is to generate something of a debate, so of course its perfectly fine for someone to contextualise their response relative to others'. It's called having a conversation, rather than pretending no one else exists. CindyCares, I support you 100%, I think you're great.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2014): Tnx intrigued3000.
We may have different opinions n i definitely respect that too.
Its just that cindy has this annoying habit of comparing her advices to others.
Its really annoying. She can just give advice without comparing hers to others.
Just focus with the op's question.
Thank you for your support.
I am so sorry to the question asker regarding this matter. At the end of the day it is all up to you.
I guess just take the advice which will do good for you n trash the one thats not making any sense.
Again i apologized.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (29 August 2014):
 I like what aunt Cindy said, "Too easy to say " Oh I do not care about material stuff, I am such a spiritual type "- then, why do you keep TAKING material stuff from your partner??"
Exactly my point.
I cant stand people who never bother reciprocating but they never EVER seem to have a problem taking! I know people like this and frankly, I cant stand this attitude. Many people defend themselves by saying that it doesnt occur to them to give back. Maybe your boyfriend will say the same, when cornered, that its never occurred to him to buy you flowers. Frankly, I find this to be the shittiest excuse. How can it not "occur" to someone? You certainly dont mind taking and enjoying the gifts that are given to you but you never have the heart to give anything to the person who means the world to you?
OP I've come to realize the hard way that many, if not most people, are this way. Its the attitude OP, nothing else. Sure, money isn't everything but it doesn't take much to buy the occasional bunch of roses does it?
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (29 August 2014):
 Some guys are not gift givers. They show their love in other ways like making sure you have gas in your car or helping you with stuff to do around the house. If a man buys me flowers for no reason, I immediately think, "OK he has a guilty conscience. What has he done?" I'm not saying sweet gestures like that are an automatic sign of a guilty conscience, but I find the whole notion of buying flowers, chocolates and teddy bears a bit tacky and overdone...all part of marketing the image of romance. To me real romance is when a man sits by your bedside at the hospital, making you soup when you're sick, working extra hours so that your child can have piano lessons or join sports team at school. Real romance is kind words, affection, laughter, great conversation and fun times. However, if getting a proper gift is important to you, then you should let him know directly. He will probably change this habit to please you and before you know it, you'll be getting your own flowers delivered at work:)
On another matter, I would like to support highmaintainance101's comment about CindyCares. Many times I have observed the same thing (Cindycares being critical of other people's advice). I find it annoying, rude and disrespectful. I would also like to ask CindyCares to please stop this. It is really up to the OP to make any criticism or judgement on people's advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2014): OP here...Thank you all for your answers. highmaintenence101 he is very kindhearted. He is a joy to be around. And you're absolutely right when you say the best things in life are free. This guy puts up with me so he is a good guy- ha!I know love isn't all about gift giving, but I think "I'm so confused" was on to something when she said some show love by gift giving and some do not. I'm this way with everyone. I love giving gifts. Heck even shopping to find something to give to someone makes me happy. Their expression when they see it makes me happy. "CindyCares" I absolutely did not take any offense to your answer and it certainly wasn't mean. I found it very helpful. Thanks! I usually do not expect gifts in return and it's not even crossed my mind until I've given several and he has hardly given back. If I give a gift to my mother or sister I hardly ever expect anything in return. But from my boyfriend of one year? It would be nice! That said I do understand that he is probably not the one to show love my gift giving. I think his way of showing love is with words... but still would be nice to get flowers or those shoes. I can buy them myself but it means more if it would come from him. I guess I'm just sentimental that way. I do not mean to be selfish.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 August 2014):
@ highmaintenance101 : ?????? what's this tantrum about ?
I AM focusing on the OP's question, and I AM answering her question. Although I have chosen a third person " the OP should... ", rather than " you, OP , should ", as I , every now and then, happen to do - with in mind the several possible OTHER readers of the question, not specifically anyone of the thread respondent. ( In which case, I would mention it ).
In the specific, I have read your post, and as I already mentioned, I even agree - in the general lines . Indicatively.
Other than that, I was not answering your post , because it really has not stirred in me any other thought than what I just said- indicatively true.
But with several proviso.
As for meanness- : meanness is in the eyes of the beholder, esteemed DC colleague. If one wants to find personal attacks and accusations in a general, wide-context discourse, they ALWAYS will.
Anyway, I'd be surprised if the OP thought my answer mean, since I have clearly mentioned that her Bf's lack of attentiveness does NOT necessarily come from being a tightwad or a bad person.
If , though, bringing up / mentioning / suggesting what could be for the Bf / gift recipient a more appropriate, polite, mature way to respond in this kind of situation, equivals to being mean,.... then yes, I am mean. VERY mean. It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it :).
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (29 August 2014):
 i don't think it is petty of you at all. I think he just never learned anything at all about manners and/or polite uman interactin. was he raised in Arkansas or something? Being inconsiderate is typical of folks that just were not brought up correctly. r, maybe he's just crude,rude and uncooth. was he raised by wolves? The poor guy just doesn't get it. good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2014): Well cindy i dont care what you say. If i were you just focus to her question and try not to mind other peoples advice.
You have your own opinion. Fine. But u really dont have to sound mean to others. Like yours is always perfect.
I am not trying hard to play goody goody because trust i am not.
I just dont appreciate when people has to say something inappropriate to what i have to say when i am not asking for advice.
I am not asking for advice. The op does. Focus to her question. Try to respect others. If u know what i mean.
You have opinion again? Keep it to yourself. I really dont wanna know. Common sense pls. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 August 2014):
 Have you read the book "The five languages of love"? If not get a copy of it.
The issue is you define showing love as gifts. He does not.
it's just that you two are speaking a different love language.
I like words and gifts to show love
My husband is a man of action and defines my love for him by my "acts of service" in other words I can buy him things and say "i love you" and none of that matters to him but if I do his laundry or make him dinner he knows i love him.
I define love by gifts or words and my husband is not one to do either so I have had to learn to know he loves me based on his "acts of service" to me.
there is website with a test on it to figure out which love language you speak and your partner speaks. it is probably what saved our relationship.
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A
female
reader, Lonely 81  +, writes (29 August 2014):
Sounds like you are showing him Love (gifts) in the way that you would like to receive it. This is a common mistake. Not that you are wrong to show him love in the way you best understand it best. You just can't expect him to return the favor just because you gifted first.
There is a book I read years ago. ? Love languages? Or something Like that. Basically everyone feels loved in different ways. There are 5 basic ways, gifts, acts of service, physical touch, quality time & words of affirmation. Yours is clearly gifts but your partners might be something really different. The sad thing is, you could be spending a lot of money on gifts when he might just need a cuddle or you could be spending a lot of time making elaborate meals when he really wants takeaway and a good chat. If your aim is to make him feel loved and to feel loved as well then you should sit down and talk about it. From my experience there are more then five languages but the only way to know what works best for you 2 is to talk.
Best wishes
PS, you are not being petty, that is just who you are & no, just because he buys you gifts dosen't mean he is making up for doing you wrong.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 August 2014):
Well well well, ... although what the other posters say perfectly true ( better a good boyfriend who is not prodigal with material stuff, than a bad one who covers you in flowers ) I can also see where the OP is coming from.
The OP is very generous, and very ready to get stuff for him just because. To see him smile, to make him feel good. She is lavish with her money, and ALSO with her attentions, and desire to make something nice for him.
Now, love, and gift giving, are not , and should not be , about tit for tat. You give gifts because you want to , and it makes YOU feel good.
But there's also something called... uh, I don't know... form ? good taste ? class ?...
I mean, he is not stupid, he sees all the good stuff coming, and he knows he has no way / wish to ever reciprocate. Even occasionally. Then, he should not accept it . He should say something like " No honey, please don't spend your money on me , you know I can't afford to reciprocate ". " No , please do not give me stuff, you know I do not believe in exchange of material goods, - or in showing love throigh objects,- or in spending momey on unnnecessary purchases ", or whatever it's his beef.
It's like, suppose you have a good income, and a big aprtment with a big kitchen etc. While your best friend is broke and lives in a studio. You always invite her home , and wine and dine her lavishly- and she is happy to accept.. Now, of course you do not expect her on turn to serve you a 5 course meal , on her dole allowance and over a table made with fruit crates, but.... what about a coffee at Starbucks ? An ice cream cone ? A frozen pizza for you when she goes for her own groceries ?... sawing or knitting a little something for you, giving you something done with her hands ?...
What I mean, it does not have to be , Ok I spent 100, so you spend 100 too.... but there should be the intention, and the visible effort, to show appreciation for what you get .
Or else, the non gifting person should say : look , thank you but let's dispose of this kind of niceties, it's not really my thing or my style, and makes me uncomfortable.
But, just keeping the goodies coming, pocketing them with a smile , and just saying " Uh... I SHOULD get you something " ?.. Not cool, and no wonder that makes the OP feel taken for granted. If not for a mug.
I think that, as embarassing as it may be, you should talk about this with him.
First, he s not a mind reader , so ( men can be thick ), he does not even know you'd love to get flowers from him. I think it's not greedy to say " I love you, and I am happy being with you, but you now what I'd like too ?... If every now and then you'd surprise me with a little something ". From his reaction- and from his following actions ! you can see if he is just clueless, or only a tightwad.
Then, you could try and know more about his attitude towatd money and material possessions. Diplomatically, don't make it about : I gave you this this and that.
I'm thinking that one year is not really a lomg time to know all about a person. Maybe he is the type of man who hates to fritter away his money on "small " stuff, but would be generous on big occasions. Maybe he IS ( or he thinks he IS ) showing you his love ,devotion and suport in other non material ways, like helping you out with stuff, chores, repairs.. Who knows. There's always a reason why people do- or don't do _ a certain thing,- and , if you want to know it , it's up to you to find it out. ( In the most tactful way that's possible, of course - and then agaon, if you are together since a year, you should be able to talk about things you are uneasy about, without anybody having a conniption !).
Said that , though, I feel that the OP has some cause for concern.
Too easy to say " Oh I do not care about material stuff, I am such a spiritual type "- then, why do you keep TAKING material stuff from your partner??
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2014): "I just look at other people's relationships and see that their husbands/boyfriends do lots of nice things for them. Buy them clothes, give them flowers, etc."
How do you know that other people's husbands/boyfriends aren't dishonest, unfaithful, controlling and/or abusive?
"Do you think this is petty of me or is this a problem?"
Not necessarily either, more just a simple confluence of two facts: he thinks differently than you do and he can't read your mind. If he's kind, considerate and respectful, then he's thinking of you and those are gifts that money can't buy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2014): Honestly yes. I think his wonderful. Maybe he just dont have the luxury to buy more for you.
But his kindhearted. You said he never have given you any headaches.
I rather have a bf who is faithful and loving than someone who can give all the material things you could temporarily enjoy in exchange of tears n pain.
One thing ive learned, life is not all about money. Remember the best things in life are still free. Like forgiveness, peace of mind, love..
Just think about it.
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