A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 27 and I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. The problem is he always forgets about plans we make and ends up cancelling on me at the last minute. For example, months ago we were invited out to a meal for my friend's birthday which is tonight. He agreed to go and we have spoken about it several times since. Yesterday I called him to tell him there is a minibus booked, and he said he can't go as he forgot he had agreed to do an unpaid gig (he plays guitar and sings) for a woman he works with that day. He actually almost ended up triple booked because he told another friend he'd go golfing with him but luckily that got cancelled.This type of thing happens all the time, to the point where some of my uni friends who I don't see that often have joked that I've made him up as they have never met him yet. I feel like an idiot because he'll agree to go somewhere with me, then I'll have to turn up alone and answer questions about where he is. I know this annoys others too, as they will plan things around a certain number of people and it changes last minute. I have also been asked by friends if he doesn't like them, although he says he does. It has got to the point where I don't believe he is going to go somewhere with me unless I see him standing on my doorstep. I am so annoyed about this as I feel like he doesn't respect me or the promises he makes me. He says I am overreacting and he just forgets what he has said sometimes, but I think he should keep his plans and if he struggles to remember them take measures to fix that (like getting a diary - he refuses because that is 'losery' in his opinion). Unless something really major comes up, I always stick to the plans I make so it annoys me even more that he can't do it for me.Am I overreacting? If he doesn't want to go somewhere he will tell me outright so I don't think he means it, but the fact nothing has ever changed when he knows how much it bothers me suggests to me that he doesn't care that much. Any advice will be hugely appreciated. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cute angel  +, writes (3 February 2013):
 I'l tell you from personal experience I knew a guy exactly like this..
He was dating my best friend,he would make plans,the girl would get all dolled up waiting for him and he would cancel or say something came up!but whenever she made plans with him he would always say yess until the last minute then back out!
I think such people have a problem saying 'NO' I'm not coming,I think they want to keep everyone happy,like u said he was triple booked that day and was happy one got cancelled so it clearly shows he just wants to please everyone and doesn't realise in the long run people will get hurt!I think u should just tell him'stop pleasing everyone,do what you want to for a change' or be frank and tell people if u can or cannot make it that day,people will appreciate honesty than flaking! Good luck x
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 February 2013):
 so he can't remember things and he won't use any tools available to help him.
He wants to fail. that means not being in a relationship clearly.... he says "accept me as I am or leave" since his current behavior is not acceptable you can leave.
I will tell you how we cope... I have severe ADHD and I forget EVERYTHING. I found an awesome free online program that I use on my tablet, the PC and even my smart phone as needed.
it sends us (myself and my husband) an email every sunday with the upcoming weeks events. And we get a text reminder of an event to our phone set up when I do (time frames vary)
it also holds my to do lists and my shopping lists
also when I think of something that I know I want to do at work that I will forget, I call myself at work and leave myself a voice mail.
The truth is that adults want to be organized and do what they need to in order to function. Your boyfriend clearly does not care about being responsible or adult.
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (2 February 2013):
 I get from your story that he isn't just forgetting stuff when it comes to you but that he is like this in general.
That means he is disorganized.
He also refuses to use a diary considering it "losery". That means he is an idiot and a loser.
When you are a child, you don't have many responsibilities and your mom will make sure that the essential stuff happens anyway.
He is not a child anymore. An adult is expected to stick to their appointments. Not just in relationships but in work. the older the get, the more people expect you to behave responsible. His reaction to the suggestion of a diary suggests he just doesn't want to grow up.
And that is okay, his life, his choices. But do you want to have a relationship with an eternal child? Well considering you have been dating him for three years, the answer is clearly yes.
You could make it work, you just have to accept that in this regard you are not a girlfriend but his mother and have to pin his gloves to his jacket to make sure he doesn't loose them. Write his appointments on his hand. Arrange for plenty of lead up time so that you have him ready and packed an hour before going out.
Don't like having to treat your bf as a little kid? Then don't date Peter Pan.
...............................
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (2 February 2013):
It does show that he doesn't care that much, and it is extremely disrespectful to you and his friends, and unprofessional with his music business. He needs to get on top of this. His attitude does seem like an unprofessional, immature, and disrespectful one, considering he thinks that a diary of events is "losery", when it is the responsible thing to do. Try to get him to use his phone calender to schedule in events. If he still refuses to do it, then get rid of him for someone who actually bothers to respect his engagements.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 February 2013):
 .. and you've put up with this for 3 YEARS, now?????
I suggest that, the next time you see him, you tell him that you have forgotten that he is your "boyfriend"....
What he's doing isn't innocent absent-mindedness.... it's just plain impoliteness ALONG WITH not really giving a darn about YOU. (Add to that, that some people would say that such behaviour is based in CONTROLLING... and is a harbinger of ABUSE in the future.) Is THAT what a REAL boyfriend does????
You can do much better.....
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 February 2013):
 You are not over-reacting at all. He is disorganized and easily distracted. His memory must be like a sieve. How does he ever expect to run a business (his music business)professionally, if he cannot keep track of what he is required to do and where he is meant to be?
Insist that he purchase a portable electronic organizer to record any appointment or outing he has agreed to attend at the time he accepts the event into his organizer, and insist that he hangs it around his neck on a lanyard (as long as he remembers to remove it when he showers).
At best he is disorganized and inept.
At worst he is rude and disrespectful to you and to anyone else who has to deal with him.
Alternatively he considers that you are not his first priority. And if that is the case then the two of you need to talk. Tell him to stop saying he "forgot" and instead own up to the fact that he can't properly organize his own time. Who was his last butler?
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (2 February 2013):
 I can see that his behavior in either overbooking or forgetting his appointments and social activities is very annoying and thoughtless.
If he refuses to keep a diary or note things down on a calendar and you have reminded him when an outing with friends etc. is planned, plus let him know how inconvenient and embarrassing his behavior is, I don't see there is much more you can do, except to stop inviting him to go with you to see your friends.
Perhaps when you don't invite him to go anywhere with you it will give him a jolt and he'll start wondering why he's suddenly seeing so little of you. Give it a try: it MIGHT just make him reform - at least a little!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): Of course he'll tell you that you are overracting as it makes him look like an imbecile which I'm sorry to say that he is. I am assuming he is around your age, so nearing 30?. He doesn't realize that he is not a child anymore but fully grown man who acts like a 3 year old.He forgets?!! How is going to live his life forgetting that he made arrangements with people? He really needs professional help. It is more serious that you think. To me it sounds like some kind of mental disorder.
...............................
A
female
reader, jdxx +, writes (2 February 2013):
 From someone who spent 3 looking years with a guy like that, he won't change, musicians are evil partners from my own experience of been with one, music ALWAYS comes first, always... Any opportunity to play a gig and their on it like flies and will drop everything else for any opportunity presented to them. Your bloke has treated you like this from the start, you say he knows how much it upsets you yet he still does it, so an honest answer is no, I don't believe he will change because he doesn't care he's hurting you so long as he's getting what he wants. My ex went so far as to have a break down when I fell pregnant because he thought his band would kick him out when they found out lol he was at the time a 27yr old fully grown man! I know everyone's different but he's still the same to this day.. Me and his wife often now joke about being second best to the band!
...............................
|
