A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi, ive been with my boyfriend for 7 months. Over the last few months ive been doubting as to whether we are right for eachother or not. We don't have a lot in common an have very different opinions on things. And I dont feel my personality is at its best when im with him. He tells me i'm his soulmate and he doesnt care what happens in his life as long as we're together. but a lot of the time i find myself thinking am i happy? an my answer is always i dont know, i know i could be happier.but i really care about him an i cant bare the thought of hurting him and i know he'll cry :( I just dont understand how he thinks we are soul mates when i dont feel there is much content to our relationship, like we dont have any photos of us and we dont go out many places an we dont have really good conversation. And i dont really feel i know him very well for some reason, its weird.What do you think i should do?and how can one person think your soul mates and the other not?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): I think when someone thinks that somebody is their soulmate, it doesn't mean anything, it's just another way of saying you're in love with that person. Sometimes the other person returns those feelings, sometimes they don't. Unrequited love is very common and I think it happens when the reality is masked by his feelings. I do agree that if you're having doubts after 7 months it's not right, I think you could be much happier with someone else, and I think the sooner you break up with him the better, cos then you can find someone who makes you happier, and I'm sure he'll be upset, but no one wants to be with someone who's not in love with them.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 February 2013):
 "He tells me i'm his soulmate and he doesnt care what happens in his life as long as we're together. "
Insecurity. He confesses profound love in the hopes that this will make you stay, because he is not sure he himself will be enough to keep you. He is insecure about himself, and about whether he is good enough for a woman to love. His reaction is to throw himself at you and confess true and deep love, because women tend to like hearing that type of stuff, and he somehow thinks it will "seal the deal". Just like someone thinks marriage will make all the problems in a relationship go away because you promise to stay together forever... As if the words alone can make it reality.
He says he loves you because he needs you to love him back, he clings to you and says you are his soulmate because he is afraid you will leave him. How can you possibly be his soulmate, and how can he possibly know? He doesn't. He hasn't known you long enough to know, he doesn't really know you either. As you said yourself, you don't feel you have that much in common. You don't feel that connection. I don't think he feels that special connection either, I don't think he honestly believes in his own words. He is just hoping that his words will somehow become reality... magically.
"And i dont really feel i know him very well for some reason, its weird."
It's not weird at all. When people are insecure they tend to hide who they truly are, because they are afraid of rejection. He is afraid to show you who he is, and is afraid that you will leave him.
Tell him you need to get to know him better, and that he does not love you. Maybe he thinks he does, but he doesn't know you. He needs to stop saying these things, because your relationship isn't ready for it. If he wants things to develop he needs to let it happen naturally, and not force it. You don't feel that way about him, at least not yet, and would like for him to open up more and show you who he is. Get to know him better.
It takes at least a year, in my experience, before someone shows you who they really are.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 February 2013):
I think two things:
1 - I think that your boyfriend likes you more than you like him, hence perhaps why you don't feel the same way. It seems like he's really into you, but you've said that you could be happier, that you don't always feel yourself, and that you don't seem to have a lot in common. After 7 months together, that is not good. It's also not good that you're saying you don't even know him that well. There are a lot of signs here that suggest he's really more of a stop-gap before another guy comes along that will suit you more.
2 - My Grandfather always said that "there is never just one man for one woman, and vice versa". By definition, there isn't really just one 'soul mate' out there. If there were, the human race would have died out years ago. Truth is, there is always someone else out there. And for you, I definitely think that there is someone out there for you.
I suppose what I'm saying, is that this guy might be nice, and you might care for him, but in the end I don't think he's the one for you. I think that you've come here to ask all those questions, suggests that you're looking for someone to say what you deep down know. I think you need to take a real look at your relationship, and decide whether he's the one for you, or whether you need to be brave, let him go and move on.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 February 2013):
 7 months while not a long time is time enough to know if it's right.
IF you are having doubts at 7 months then it's not a good sign.
my husband and I are together now 2.5 years and married 4 months...the ONLY photos of us together are from our wedding. I'm not sure why you need photos of you two together to define the relationship....
we don't go many places because my hubby does not like to go out... I do so I go places with friends instead and let him stay home and sulk.
I don't define our relationship by where we go or what we do... but rather if on a day to day basis we are happy.
IF you don't feel you know him well, I think that after 7 months you would know if it's good or not and it's not for you.
He's in love and that's ok... and because of that he only can see what he wants to see which is you being with him forever.
you will eventually say "this is not enough for me I'm not truly happy" and you will leave.
because there is enough to keep you hanging on seeing if it will get better, and he's in love and you don't want to hurt him you will drag this out till the bitter end...
my advice: you know it's not the be all to end all and while you are his soul mate, he is not yours (and that's ok and it's also normal... using soul mate to define love... because I truly do not believe we all have ONE match... we have many it's just a question of us falling in love with someone who ALSO falls in love with us... while it seems like magic, it's just science two things have to be on the same level.... this includes love
I think you need to start preparing him for the end... and you should end it as soon as you can for his sake... he's going to mourn and be in pain and the longer you are together the more it's going to hurt...
you need to ASAP sit him down and tell him why you feel this way... we don't go places, we have no pictures together, i don't really feel close to you...
its hard when you care for someone but know that it's not the best fit.... I wish you luck
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 February 2013):
 Go take some photos of yourselves and travel to interesting places. Simple solution but not really.
You fulfill his needs but obviously he is clueless as to what makes you happy. If you think that soul mates can read each other's minds then you are misguided. There is no exact definition of a soul mate. What he is saying is that he is happy with where he is now. The things that concern you are not his concerns. He is living in the now and not really worried about how your differences affect the future.
In a relationship you can allow different opinions as long as they don't clash with your life long goals. Examples would be religion, child rearing, smoking drinking, staying in going out.
You have to be more outspoken about your concerns. I know it is difficult to express negativity in relationships. All you can do is suggest things to do, ask more questions about him. However a feeling is something you can't manipulate. If you don't feel for him no matter how much he is doing for you it means that he is not the guy for you. He is only deluding himself by thinking you are soulmates and not very grounded in reality.
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