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*ostSoul2
writes:Ok, I am 50 and my b/f is 55. We have been dating for 5 months. We have a great relationship. He tells me he loves me and shows it to me in many ways. He will do anything for me. He has a son (24) with some medical concerns who lives out of state. His son was in a hospital for seizuers and checked himself out. I know my b/f is worried about that he is not getting the right treatment since he checked himself out. He has a crazy insane ex who blames my b/f for everything. They have been divorced for over 15 years..but she does not give up. One time few months back we were talking and he told me one thing that he totally hates with a passion is when someone is trying to reach him and leaves many messages. He told me never to do that. That one message is fine.This past holiday weekend we were to do a day trip on Saturday. Friday nite he called and told me that his ex had a fight with their son and is going ballistic. He said he is going over to see what's going on, won't be long and will call me when he gets home. Well I did not hear from him. The next morning he never showed. I called and left a message to call me as soon as he can. I was worried. Still no call later on. Yes I left messages cause I was worried. Sunday no call. Monday no call. So i went to his place Monday nite. I left a note on the door to call me. I saw his neighbor and asked him to tell my b/f I am worried. I got my b/f on the phone that nite and he laid into me like fireworks. Told me he is so pissed with me leaving all these messages when he was trying to deal with issues with his son. He said he had to go out of state with his ex to their son's place..He said he didnt need me to complicate things and everytime i called and his phone rang his ex went nutso and threw his phone across the room. They were trying to get their son to go for treatments for the seizures. He said by me calling all the time showed him I did not care for me. He said he was thinking of breaking it off with me, but if it happends a 3rd time, we are thru. I said i was sorry he was upset. He said "you think sorry will fix everything? I am so pissed at you right now, that I will need a couple of days cause I am still dealing with issues with the crazy ex who keeps leaving me messages on how this is my fault". He also said "I dont lie to you, I dont cheat, I dont look at or go after other women, i brought you into my life which i have not done with any woman in 15 years, I dont need you to hunt me down when you know i am dealing with issues."...He said he needs a couple of days.. so I told him i won't bother him. And I have not. I was at the park today and I saw him ride right by me on his motorcycle. I know he saw me.I just don't know how long he will be mad at me. How could you love someone and do this? A friend told me to call him, but I am not. I told him i would not bother him. If he wanted to break it off he would have done so at that time but he didnt. How long does it take to cool off? Am I right in not trying to contact and make up?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): Thanking him for this "valuable lesson" is the most underminig thing i've heard of... I wouldnt thank him, i would be upset on how he spoke to me... What worries me is that he probably thinks that he's got you by the B@lls and he can talk to you whichever way he wants because he thinks he's got the upper hand... Im sorry, maybe i've just been through too much in my life to actually take a man's nonsence... No matter how much he GIVES YOU and says he "loves you"... If he talks to you this way now, how is it going to be when you two are together for more than or a year or two?? You were concerned and if i didnt hear from my boyfriend for 3-4 days, im going to panic, maybe im a little different,i would expect him to call or send a text message just to say that you wont hear from him for a few days because of such issues he has to deal with... Not, just go away and ignore you... Im sorry, i know his son has problems and i fully understand that but he needs to understand that you are part of his life now and he cant just act like you dont exist when he feels like it and when things get tough, you should be able to be there for him when he is going through this!!
I talk from experience as i had the same type of relationship with my ex, however he never let me see his phone or go onto it either... He was very secretive and then one day he started doing the same things... Hmmm... Didnt turn out to good...
Anyway, all i can do is wish you luck and pray for you that things come right and he changes in time... YOu seem like a good person and all you want is love and appreciation...
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): This guy has control issues. first if he cared about you he would have called you so you wouldnt worry. He would have told you what was going on and that once everything was back to normal he would call you. I would think a man who cares about you would want to share things with you including his concern for his son. This guy is treating you probably the same way he treated his ex maybe that is why she goes ballistic. If he cared he would not treat you this way. I would find someone else he will only get worse. T
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reader, BlueEyedAngel +, writes (17 September 2007):
 You dont need to put up with bull crap like that, if he had any feelings at all he would want you there with him to have support and help him deal with the hard times he has. Girlfriend I say go and dont look back you deserve better, take it from experince it will be worth it. Good Luck
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reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (17 September 2007):
 I don't think you need to be wished luck - you're working it out together. I guessed it would probably be OK if you gave him some space. He was under some difficult emotive pressure. It also sounds as if he is very focussed when there's a problem to be dealt with - an attribute in many ways. You're both still getting to know each other. As you spend more time together you will learn each other's ways and respect them - I'm sure you know this - and this sort of issue won't even occur. Hope his son is better now. Good Lu.... Happy Resolutions!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): oh ..and yes I laid into him too...on the treatment and that next time i will get my stuff with no looking back
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reader, LostSoul2 +, writes (17 September 2007):
LostSoul2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks :)
He had me over this weekend, we talked. At first it felt awkward... felt like our first date. Maybe it's me, maybe my heart has a slight wall over it from what happened. I look at it this way..... he had all the chances to dump me, to call it off. But he didn't. When I told him i was coming to pickup my stuff, he called and we talked. If he didnt want this, he would have just told me then, it is not working out, or just leave my stuff on the steps like I asked. I think it's going to take a little time getting back to how we used to be...and time for me to get over being a little defensive in my heart. But at least we are in a good direction.
Wish me luck :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2007): So glad to hear everything has worked out in the end. Thank you for getting in touch.
take care
xx
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reader, LostSoul2 +, writes (14 September 2007):
LostSoul2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate:
I sent him a text that I was coming over to pickup my stuff and if he would not be home to leave it on the front steps. I got a call from him. And we talked and worked things out. I want to thank everyone for their input and advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): I was the last person who sent a message and funnily enough my partner was in the army and the police too so maybe this is a character trait. I do hope he gets in touch because you deserve that. Loads of luck to you.
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reader, LostSoul2 +, writes (6 September 2007):
LostSoul2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo i am not kept there to keep his bed warm. That I know. He has always treated me like gold and always has put me first...until this incident with his son. We see each other many times during the week and on weekends..he calls me many times a day to say he is thinking of me, or how my day went. I do know this is not just a sex relationship.
It has been rough these past 2 months for him..his son went into seizures and in the hospital went into coma and stopped breathing...ontop of that having his ex hounding him about this. Not to say his laying into me is an excuse, and I will point that out to him when things calm down..As far as me, I always have been a worry-wart and I need to calm down and trust him with dealing with his issues. I did write him this morning telling him i am sorry for my actions and told him I will not contact him as he is still dealing with the issues. He is an ex marine from Vietnam and I have seen how he thinks. When he is in pain such as a headache, backache or whatever he does not take medication, he tells me he was trained as a Marine to use mind control...But he has never ever mistreated me or treated me as a sex-thing only. We share alot together. This is our first big blowout..The ball is in his court and if he truly loves me as he said he does then I am sure he will contact me. Time will tell.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): If he has been plagued by his ex wife through messages for years I expect he has become allergic to them. It may have put massive pressure on him and is quite obviously because she is demanding his attention. Attention seeking. What he meant was that while he is dealing with an acute situation he needed to keep focussed, not have to deal with other people's concerns until time was available. He must have been worried to death. My partner did the same thing before we moved in together. His Dad had a quadruple heart bypass following a heart attack. He emailed me to say he was sure I would understand but he would not be in touch for a few days. I was worried and upset and a bit miffed that he seemed to have cut me out because I though I should be his supporter and first port of call in times of trouble. The thing is, he was right, in a way I was putting my needs before his by demanding his attention. He is quite the sort of person who deals with his own problems, which is a quality to be admired. Those situations should never be used to fight for a place in the pecking order. You need to show complete trust in his judgement at those times, let him do his thing and give him a big hug when he wants one. I hope what I have said helps. Whatever you do make sure you leave him alone now. If he does not call you for a couple of weeks the very most I would do is send a card apologising and making it clear that you fully understand why he was so cross now that you have had time to consider. Thank him for showing you this valuable lesson which you hope to use in your relationship with him. That you will wait for him to contact you, but otherwise will not be sending any messages. Make it short! Good luck.
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reader, TaylorChu +, writes (6 September 2007):
 Sorry luv, it is easy for people to do things but when you see crap like that come out of a person it is SO NOT WORTH IT to stick with them. Find a better man. You dont want to be trapped in any of his anger cycles like that. It's nuts and you deserve 1000x better. Doing romantic stuff can just all be a show. How does he treat YOU? Does he marvel at your talents and your amazing mind or are you just there to keep his bed warm and he pays you back by fixing things? DEEPLY reconsider this relationship.
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reader, LostSoul2 +, writes (5 September 2007):
LostSoul2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't plan on contacting him. I will give him his space until he is ready. I am just so baffled at this behavior. upto the last time i saw him he tells me he loves me, told me he do anything for me. He was talking to me about taking me on hot air balloon ride with champange, about his friend's wedding that he said we probably be going to..My car last week was acting weird so he began charging up his older car in case I need it, he purchased tools to fix locks on my car..etc.. He always showed his love for me... now i get this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): Run like hell and tell him to B off!!!! Sorry, but i read this twice and i hated what i read. He said "i brought you into my life which i have not done with any woman in 15 years, I dont need you to hunt me down when you know i am dealing with issues."...er excuse me but just who the hell does he think he is. Ok he has issues with his son but there are thousands of people out there who have issues similar to that and they don't treat a person like that. He has brought some of this on himself, if not most!!! He goes on about his ex, er why is he putting up with her going on like this. She threw his phone across the room because you phoned him, out of concern, barmy cow!!!! You do not deserve this sort of behavour and should not put up with it. I am shocked that you are still waiting around for him to call. If i had seen him on his bike i would of pushed him off it. PLEASE do not go back to this guy. You are just lining yourself up for a whole load of misery. Let the miserable lot get on with it themselves. Life is too short and you have a life ahead of you. Stay out of this and move on. If he does get back in touch then tell him to GET LOST!!!!!I think Tommy7 needs to wake up and smell the coffee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TAKE CARE AND KEEP IN TOUCH.XX
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reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (5 September 2007):
 I guess because his ex calls constantly and blames him for everything, he feels any messages are a bad thing. Unfortunately, his issues are what's damaging your relationship. It's not wrong to call once or twice a day when you are worried about someone that you care for. It's normal. It's Not normal to chew someone out for leaving a message on a phone unless you have left 20 in one day. He is transferring all of his anger onto you - and that sends out a big warning flag to me. If you have not totally invested your heart here, I think you might want to reconsider keeping this relationship. You can't change him and you can't fix his issues. He seems to need someone to blame or take it out on, and you are a convenient dart board. Take care, hope things get better for you.
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reader, Tommy7 +, writes (5 September 2007):
You disrespected him by doing what he expressly asked you not to do. He may eventually swallow his pride and contact you. I recomend that you leave him be and move on when you feel he is really gone.
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reader, TaylorChu +, writes (5 September 2007):
No no no and No. I respect you as an older woman than I but even I know that you are in a DANGEROUS relationship that has too many people who spaz out. Personally I would have ripped into him stating that since I had not heard from him in a few days that I'd think he was lying dead some where. I understand that he doesnt like when he gets a lot of messages. People have probably left frivolous messages on his phone before and he had had it. But you were checking on his LIFE and making sure he was alright. If he didnt want to turn hear the phone ring he could have TURNED HIS PHONE OFF.
I am so sorry that he ripped into you but if you love someone you let them know EVERYTHING that is going on in your life. I understand he has a son with issues and his ex-wife cant control herself but he doesnt need to be upset with you for CARING.
Call him back. tell him You will never tolerate such behavior like that from him ever again and that your relationship is now over. He can pick up any of his stuff and leave. You dont need to be around a man who acts like that, cant PICK UP THE PHONE and call you giving you peace of mind and etc. He is mixed up in some severe drama and if his ex hasnt left him alone all these years she wont until she dies.
Leave him and find a man who loves you and isn't threating to you and has the good sense to treat you like the mature woman you are, not a kid that needs to be whipped with a belt because you are doing the most SENSIBLE thing in calling to make sure he is alive and okay. So what he accepted you into his life. He isn't king! He is just another man with red blood. You can find thousands of other blokes who will cherish you and not blow you off for days even after an argument!
If you choose to remain with him just know that he is ALWAYS going to think that you need to be told what is and isnt acceptable by him and that his rules must be followed. You are a God created ADULT. You do as you please and DO NOT and SHOULD not live in fear because you crossed a bf. Let him "cool down" but then you tell him how it is going to be with you from now on. You dont need all what he is dealing with to be disturbing YOUR life.
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reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (5 September 2007):
Hi LostSoul. I'm similar age group. I can see both sides here. Looks like you're both "right" in your own ways. Don't underestimate the stress he's probably under. I would suggest letting him "come around" in his own time. Some people do take a while. You're only going to make matters worse by contacting him.
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