A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend recently confessed that he slept with a close female friend of his. It's a little bit complicated because this girl, C, was a long time girlfriend of one of the other guys in their group of friends and she and him would often spend time alone together and still did up until a few weeks ago when she left the city (she'll be gone for a few months). Now the situation is something like this:My boyfriend and I have only been official for about 2 months but we started out like friends with benefits almost 2 years ago. Toward the end of last summer I was really ill and hospitalized a few times so I didn't see him for a month or 2 but we would still talk and he constantly encouraged me to be more open so that we could get to know each other better and I started to fall for him. I know this is definitely stupid but a couple months later we both kind of unofficially established that we weren't seeing anyone else and stopped using condoms. At that time I asked him if he'd been with anyone else (more for safety's sake at that point) and he said no. I'd asked him periodically after and he'd asked me too but he always continued to say no.Yesterday we were having a completely different disagreement and for some reason I felt a really strong vibe that something had gone on between my bf and C so I asked. At first he refused to talk about it but eventually admitted that she'd been into him, he'd slept with her a few times but didn't have feelings for her and told her so but they did continue to sleep together for a while after.I know one could easily say, "Well, you two weren't officially together so it shouldn't matter" and rationally, I know that but this whole situation makes me really uneasy for a number of reasons.1. He lied to my face multiple times when from the start we had agreed to tell each other if we'd slept with someone else.2. It's always kind of bugged me that he's also very close with his ex and this girl, C but I'm the kind of person who accepts that a guy and a girl CAN be just friends but apparently I was wrong this time. How can I feel comfortable with him ever being alone with her now? I can't just ignore it easily because this is his close friend and I don't want to tell him to cut her off because that seems like a crazy-person thing to do.3. I feel like an idiot because I've met this girl and had no idea what had gone on between them. 4. I'm angry that he's a big hypocrite who is often accusing me of leading other guys on, including my guy friends, telling me I dress too suggestively and that it's bad for his rep for his gf to look slutty (he's the only one who's ever said that to me) and making me feel guilty about not being able to talk about my issues in the past (like family problems, and depression) when he's the one who's sleeping with HIS friends and I never have.5. I was really sick during the time this happened and while he was still talking to me, encouranging me to be closer to him AND we had FULL intentions of seeing each other again when I was better, he was sleeping with someone else. Maybe it's just me, but it seems like a kind of sh*tty thing to do. I know he didn't cheat on me, but the fact that he was dishonest and that we were seeing each other and actually becoming closer at this time makes it feel like he did.I still care about him and I think he is sorry about it but... How can I get past this and deal with her being in his life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the input guys!Just FYI: The big reason he didn't tell me or anyone was because she was an ex of one of his friends and she still hangs out with that group and he didn't want to look like a sleaze or make it awkward in their group.I'm more annoyed that he lied and mislead me than that he slept with her. First of all, we had an agreement to be open from the start(his idea!) and we actually did tell each other everything except for this. Also his lies could have caused me to have an STD. If I'd known he was still sleeping with other people at that point in our "relationship", I would have definitely been doing my own thing and seeing other people instead of thinking he was being a sweet guy who didn't immediatly replace me when I was too ill to be around.He is really sorry and at this point, I still think he's worth it and I can get over it but he isn't going to be hanging out alone with her if they're not in a public setting.
A
female
reader, amenthyst3356  +, writes (27 April 2011):
If you stay with him, then he has to cut all contact with her totally. No texting, emailing, hanging out. If she must be around it's never one on one. If he can't do this then it's time to say goodbye.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): You can't just get past them being just friends when they were more then friends, but lovers. He kind of sounds like a jerk to me. Telling you, you look slutty and lead guys on when he's the one that slept with a girl that was into him, but he wasn't into her. I don't care if you dress provocatively, if he chooses you, then he chooses all of you and that includes the way you dress. If he didn't like it then he shouldn't have chose you as his GF. I know I wouldn't be able to get past all his lies. When a relationship starts off bad it usually never gets better. The only way you can get past it is leave him. I hope this helps
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A
female
reader, catcher00 +, writes (27 April 2011):
I see your perspective. I do understand. However, you can't complain much. When women agree to a no-strings-attached, or FWB arrangement, they forfeit their emotional rights. Lying to you wasn't a good sign, but people in general are so wrapped up in when others are lying, they forget that they themselves lie and have lied, so let's all be a little more lenient on that. I mean, he wasn't committed to you, he didn't have to be in order to get sex from you, but he knew that on an emotional level, it would hurt you and perhaps pose a problem for him/the two of you if you knew the truth, so he did a cover job. If you're being honest in assessing yourself and your own actions, I'm quite certain you've done the same in the past. Should you be judged for that? So intensely that it may end a relationship? Maybe, maybe not. As for your # 5. It is a sh.tty thing to do.. but that's the treatment you agred to accept when you slept with him for 2 years without commitment. Now you can either nitpick and drive him away, or you can agree that you're equally to blame for how hurt you are right now and maybe things will be different now that you've got the commitment you want. The choice is yours.
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (27 April 2011):
 Hey Canada, This is entirely up to you....if trust is a major thing in your relationships. then I don't suggest this one is for you. As far as I see, there was no need for him to lie at that, you guys were not serious at that time and it would not have been anything for him to tell you the truth...so if he can't be honest when it was no real threat to the relationship....what do you think will happen at this stage when you guys are actually in a proper relationship.But like I said...it is up to you your tolerance level for lies...Hope it works out.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (27 April 2011):
 I question her intentions towards him, I question his lies (sin of omission?) and his loyalties and I doubt that I would stick around or ask how to "get past it and deal with them still being friends(?)". They went past being "just friends", that's an undisputed fact at this point.
"When people SHOW YOU who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 April 2011):
 Honestly, you might have been able to get past it if he had been honest, but with all the lies it's hard to trust anything now. FWIW, I think your feelings are justified.
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