A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am having a baby with my bf of 1 year. He is at the end of a divorce - the last part - third final papers. Before I fell pregnant I thought he was already divorced. Turns out they were separated for four years and as soon as he got with me he started the process of filing for divorce. Anyway, I was fixing his computer and cos I have had difficulty trusting my partners in the past I had a quick look in his internet history just to make sure he wasn't deceiving me - I know I shouldn't have and its me at fault there but I just wanted to make sure he was TOTALLY over his ex-wife after all I am now having his baby...I shockingly discovered that for the last five nights in a row he has been checking her facebook page when I was in bed although they are not friends on there anymore. If he is so over her then why is he still clicking on her page so much?? he can't even see her wall - he just can prob see her profile image sort of thing. Yet he tells me he loves me etc and obviously if I bring her up he gets all defensive and doesn't want to talk about it so I don't discuss it ever as I don't want his previous relationship to cause a friction in our relationship. How can I tell if he misses being with her more? and if he is so mad into me then why does he wait till I am in bed to reminiesce about her??
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the wonderful advice I am receiving with regards to this question. Update: I asked him as calmly as I could about it and he denied being still in love with her and he denied watching her on facebook. I told him look, don't lie. I did happen to see your internet history...I just want the truth if you are its okay (well not great for me) but I just want the truth at this point. He again said no...then went off for a walk and I left him alone. I then had a series of nightmares last night when I went to bed. The problem I am mainly having is, he can't find work at the moment, I am about 17 wks gone and he said he will have to leave me in the next few days for the US if he doesn't miracously find a job here as his money that he came here on is drying up. I understand this predicament completely and I do understand the strain he is under here but I am feeling that he is taking it WAY better than I am. There was an option he could go back and work in the same workplace as the ex-wife I just mentioned cos he would prob get that job back and its better money etc. but I feel v uncomfy about it all as I would be in another country and well I want to be secure about this relationship and I try to be but I somehow feel second best so I told him this and again he said that wasn't the case and that he loved me. I approached him and told him I don't want to be second fiddle to his past - he has probs to express himself and I told him if you don't tell me things I can't know for sure how he trully feels and I would appreciate if he shed light on it for me so I could be more understanding to his predicament. Anastacia: yes he told me he was divorced when I started dating him. I came to know when I fell pregnant that in fact he was separated and that he filed for divorce only when he started dating me. Strongfp: how long does it roughly take for him lurking on her page to go away? is there any rough idea to this one?? I asked how his marriage went wrong. She apparently stole 10K out of a joint account, that is why he says it took so long for them to divorce as he wanted to make her pay for it. He has ended up paying for the divorce and she appears to be co-operating by signing the papers back etc. and now they are at the last stage..the final paper. What I don't get is why they are SO nice to each other if they hurt each other SO badly??? I guess its so the divorce goes smoothly and to stop each party from hurting more??
A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (27 April 2011):
 Depending on how long they were married, I'll be honest...he may still have feelings for her. Normal people do not get married unless they have really strong feelings with someone and being married means that you share intimacies and have memories. It is tough for both a man and a woman to close that door. When you are separated....you are still married, that paper still ties you to each other, you can ten millions girlfriends after...but that bond is still there and the separation isn't final if you know what I mean. Finalizing his divorce means that that is the end of that chapter of his life...you need to understand what that means to him and be supportive in that. I know you are worried about how he feels for you...but give him the benefit of the doubt here. Did he lie to you and tell you he was divorced when he wasn't or did you just come up with that yourself? The same way that you don't want him to have his past relationships in yours...you need to offer him the same courtesy....you are already bringing in your mistrusts from your past ones into your current ones but snooping about his internet history. When you put your time, effort, love and soul into someone...especially a marriage..and it ends for whatever reason....it feels like a failure to you...I really say give it time, support him...listen and don't be so worried that you push him away and then he shares no feelings with you at all. You two are having a baby, focus on that...don't bring up his ex wife as it will just remind him of her and his healing will never complete.Hope that helps...be blessed and have a wonderful healthy baby = )
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A
female
reader, Shesmylife517  +, writes (27 April 2011):
Well my opinion for this is maybe he still cares about her but thats normal they were married. Does he have children with her?? If not he should have no contact with her. Look he is wirh you an you guys are having a baby so he defenitely loves you. Let him know how you feel and that u saw his history on the computer an question him about it.. Let him know that you dont wana be second bezt that you and your baby are 1st point blank.. Well good luck too you an your family..
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): honestly i think you will always be second choice in his mind . if he really wanted to divorce his wife, he wouldve along time ago . he cant emotionally be with you . when he is still married to another person for that long . i think your fooling yourself .
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