A
female
age
51-59,
*ee4ever
writes:I'm going through a tough time right now and need some advice. I am In love with a man who constantly refers to the things going on in my life as baggage. To break it down these are the things he has issues with and how I'm dealing with them.First I have been separated from my husband for 3 years (he lives out of state) and I am currently going through a divorce. My bf doesnt think things are moving fast enough. I am doing everything in my power to move things along.Second I have a $15,000 balance due on my car and he doesn't want me living with him because I have this debt. He claims the debt is exorbant but this is my only debt other than rent. Third I'm unemployed and looking for work but again my bf is frustrated I haven't found anything yet. I don't ask him for money and pay my way on everything. Yet the future we had before seems to be diminishing until these things get taken care of. He wanted to marry and have kids but now he says he loves me but he's uncertain. Doesn't love conquer all? Should I be with a man who so easily wants to walk away from someone he loves over things that will change? He doesn't have issues with my personality or anything else. It's always about money. I'm so depressed over this because I'm really trying but he makes me feel so small and like I will never find someone who will put up with these issues.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): "We go out to eat and he still expects me to pay my way and I do." Ewwww! Just that line alone tells me he's probably a cheapskate. Certainly not the romantic kind. Do you really want to be hitched to a guy like that, when there are so many really nice, decent, caring, supportive men out there?
Your best (not easiest) route, IMNSHO:
1) Break up with him
2) Keep looking for employment, paying down your debt, and getting that divorce; try volunteering-- it often leads to paid work and esp. networking
3) If, when your divorce comes through, you've found a job, etc., you're still in touch with him and he still "does" it for you, then try and get back together with him.
Right now, maybe it's a good idea to just look after yourself and forget about this guy. He should be more supportive (emotionally) to you. And, since he has a job, he should at least be paying for your meals!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): U got here 2 points of view:male and female. Men are more understanding of your boyfriend, women support u. I am a woman, and this is what i feel about this situation.
If your boyfriend was a keeper he would support u in your hardships, as simple as that. Of course its understandable that he doesnt like the fact that u r in debt, and unemployed, but he is not being very nice about it. He doesnt have to help u with your debt, but it would be nice if he did. How can u be with someone who makes your life even harder that it is now? U said that that there is no other issues but money. Its a very serios issue though.
That would make stop and think if i want to farther waste my time on someone like that.
Its always nice to be independant financialy and take care of your own thing, but sometimes u need someone to help get through hardships. He is not that man. What if in a future you will have health issues, and he will walk away because of that 'hardship' also?
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A
female
reader, Bee4ever +, writes (28 November 2010):
Bee4ever is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have sat down countless times and told him how things will change. I've painted a life of how good things could be because I used to believe I could overcome all of this. My car payment is hard on me being unemployed but I'm still paying it. My divorce Is taking long but that's only because I filed once he and I were serious now it's full speed. I am doing my best to find work by applying to at least 6-8 places a week. I never talk about the issues, he always brings them up. We go out to eat and he still expects me to pay my way and I do. I'm unclear how I'm hindering him since I've never asked for a handout but he seems to think if we end up together he will end up with my bills. Makes me sad I don't have anyone believing in me, Which is what he should do.
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A
male
reader, ljhenhmla +, writes (28 November 2010):
as a guy i can understand what he is talking about i just recently got out of a relationship where i kept picking my Gf out of her own problems. she seem to keep making the same mistakes with money and i was alway trying to pick her up. i tried seveal times to talk to her about it becasue she was a sigle mother with 3 kids. but she kept messing up. she said that i would talk down to her but how many time do you tell a adult to take care of there financial responsiblilty. it started where she was spending her money and taking my too. if you can sit down and let him know that you are working on it and truly doing it then it will work. but if you lie to him your are not only going to hurt him in the long run you are only hurting yourself. if he loves you he will be understanding
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (28 November 2010):
 I don't see your issues as baggage myself...these seem like ordinary life issues to me. A car payment is normal, a long drawn out divorce is normal these days, and with this economy, unemployment is sadly normal too.
Take this as an insight into his personality. Now you know that when you have financial problems, you can't depend on him for emotional support. You'll have to deal with all of that by yourself. As long as things are going well, everything's fine...but things never always go well in life.
I say pay off your bills and handle your business - god luck with the job hunt by the way - and really, honestly think about being with someone who makes you feel bad in the tough times.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): ~YOU JUST MADE ME CRY~
Sweetie, STOP! YOU FIRST!
Sit down and effortlessly count to three..Now EXHALE!
**YOU WILL BE OKAY!
REALITY...
Employment comes and employment goes.
Debt comes and debt goes.
Cars come and cars go.
Credit comes and credit goes.
YET...
True Love Comes And Never Goes.
Of Trough and Peak and back again Merged Hearts Eternal Float Blissfully Forward.
Per chance is your boyfriend the Gate Keeper?
~THE KEY IS HELD BY YOU~
Sweetie, Just call my name, and I'll come running. God Bless You.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): ~YOU JUST MADE ME CRY~
Sweetie, STOP! YOU FIRST!
Sit down and effortlessly count to three..Now EXHALE!
**YOU WILL BE OKAY!
REALITY...
Employment comes and employment goes.
Debt comes and debt goes.
Cars come and cars go.
Credit comes and credit goes.
YET...
True Love Comes And Never Goes.
Of Trough and Peak and back again Merged Hearts Eternal Float Blissfully Forward.
Per chance is your boyfriend the Gate Keeper?
~THE KEY IS HELD BY YOU~
Sweetie, Just call my name, and I'll come running. God Bless You.
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (28 November 2010):
 I'll break this down by issue, but with one additional thought - he's probably seeing the combination of all of these as a very bad sign about you, which is really what tips the balance from "issue" to "baggage" in his mind.
Also, I'll assume "issue" means "legitimate problem," and "baggage" has more negative connotations.
1) Divorce is a legitimate issue for you. For him, it's baggage. It's a piece of your past that will serve to make his life more complicated. This is just a matter of different perspectives, and you would both be best served by keeping him far away from anything having to do with your husband.
2) Debt is a real issue. Debt is slavery, and if he gets too close to you, he could end up owing part of it (say, if you married, shared a bank account, or became common-law spouses). Talk to him about avoiding any of those situations until you have paid off the debt; once that much is clear, it's fair to politely ask him not to mention it again.
3) This is a common source of stress. He probably only refers to it as baggage because it's combined with the other two issues. If those weren't present, it would be much less of a bother to either of you.
If you're taking care of the divorce, and paying off the debt, there is no reason to involve him in either. You can easily end his involvement in two of the three problems by agreeing not to talk about them - you don't bring them up, he doesn't say anything about them.
Love does not conquer all; people do. You have to work for it. Sometimes that means setting it aside and making it a private thing. Even the most forgiving guys will get tired of what is - from their perspective - "baggage" after a while, and it doesn't make them bad people. Good luck getting your life together.
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