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male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: 1 year ago my girlfriend of 7 years broke up with me 3 months after she moved far away for school. The main reasons she broke up with me, I think, were A) she decided she wanted to stay permanently and didn't want to take me away from my family, B) we disagreed on whether to have children in the future (I had accepted this long before) , and C) she found another guy. We broke up a few weeks before I was planning to visit her. I had appointments with realty types and was seriously considering moving there. I was heart broken after we broke up but I generally excepted that it was the right thing, mostly because I was very nervous about moving so far away. We also generally had some issues with getting along and that caused me to have doubts at times in the relationship. After we broke up, I deleted her number, unfriended on social media, etc. and looked to the future. About 2 months after we broke up, I tried online dating. I probably should have waited longer, but I didn't. I didn't appreciate it enough when we were together but after meeting a few other girls, I had new respect for my ex being smart, ambitious, etc. We did argue a lot but looking back now, I feel that was because we are both smart and stubborn people who are willing to argue for what we think is the right thing to do.After a few months I found someone new. Things are good but sometimes I feel under appreciated. Also, she is very passive and generally will follow whatever I do. As a result, we almost never argue. But in a way I miss the difference of opinion. Last week, we had our first fight because I lied to her about something silly, and almost broke up (I stopped her while she was getting her things from my home). We talked it over and things are more or less back to normal now.I still think of my ex almost daily and often feel I should have treated her better, tried harder to recover the relationship, etc.Occasionally I look at her Facebook page. Although we are not friends, I can see her profile picture and a few details, including relationship status. I probably should have blocked her, but I didn't. Since a few month after we broke up, her account has shown she is dating the new guy she met.Last weekend, she sent a friend request to me on Instagram and I see her relationship status on Facebook has been removed. Should I ignore it or should I reply?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2019): I stick to my advice about recycling exes. DON'T DO IT!!! Consider a few points in reality.
It's up to you, of course! Based on your past experience with your ex; but some matters or issues remain constant; or are found to be quite common in most cases. People are changing, aging, and having new life-experiences while you're apart. Your economic status, health, emotional-state, and general-psychological make-up have been tested by growth, or failed-experiences. Adding some unfamiliar traits, or subtracting (or reconfiguring) what you liked most about that person. You may not know them as well as you used to! You develop new tastes, and may grow a few new pet-peaves you didn't have before! You have new friends, and colleagues. You may have become more polished and refined. Maybe just the opposite!
Your opinions and values get readjusted; because exterior-influences or forces are reshaping or tweeking your thought-processes. Thereby making minor or major changes in character or personality. I'm not exactly me from three years ago! I've learned new things I didn't know; and experienced some things I haven't experienced before! People may change for the better, but incompatibility-issues remain the same, or pretty much constant. Thus the on-and-off cycles people suffer!
Reconciliations seldom work for many reasons. Mainly because you're trying to pick-up where you left-off; but time doesn't stand still. You'll idealize, and develop preconceived-notions on how things should workout. In frustration, you might find yourself trying to force things to occur according to your own vision or plan; but your ideas may not match those of your ex.
Also bear in-mind, they still remember your weaknesses and faults. They expect them to be changed! If they're still there, all your expectations are doomed to failure!
You'll start-out great, because everybody's feeling hopeful, enthusiastic, and you're both full of optimism. Reality-check! You have to realize that you're starting from scratch! Nobody hit a giant pause-button, and you're finishing where you left-off!
Everyone is on their best behavior; until that first big fight, which is inevitable!
Flashbacks occur, no matter how lovely you think you recall things were in the past! We purposely try to forget the past fights or arguments; and pretend we had no incompatibilities. "We just want to get back together!" "I'm tired of searching, and all the disappointments!" "I'm lonely!"
This is the mindset behind most reconciliations. "It was bad, but maybe it could be worse?!!"
Here's what usually happens, and we get the evidence here on DC! You go back to your or old "ride or die!" Out of the clear-blue comes some fresh-face at work; or you meet through some other happenstance. You have this unbelievable chemistry, you see eye-to-eye on just about everything! He or she is hot as hell! "Oh, if only I had just waited before I took him/her back! Oh! Here's a good one...somebody you met in-between suddenly makes this splashing comeback, and the energy between you is totally combustible!!! You become flustered and conflicted. Now you've got to stick to it!
You've been apart. You should date but not attempt a total reconciliation. You are getting reacquainted, and you've got to determine if you've outgrown each other. You have to see what new quirks or flaws have developed since you parted; and you have to know if the love is as strong as before, or was it all just reminiscent of the good-ole days?
The incompatibility-factors that drove you apart usually remain the same, and people tend to dwell on the best of times! While all the bad-times have become fuzzy. The good-part was usually from the beginning to the middle...the bad-part goes from the middle-point; then things started to decline! Stuff happens, and you drift apart! Pining for each other during loney or bad-times is natural. Then there's reality!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (28 November 2019):
 Just because we miss them does not mean it will work second time around or that we should even try. Time apart has added a rosie glow to your relationship which was never there in the first place. You are glossing over the bad bits and only missing the good bits. Would you read a book for a second time and expect a different ending?
You obviously don't really want to be with your current girlfriend, so end the relationship. She deserves someone, someone who will actually want to be with her and love her for who she is. Someone out there will love her easy going character instead of seeing it as a failing or a flaw.
I predict you will accept your ex's request and you will probably get back together, even though it sounds like she is using you as a safety net because her other relationship has ended.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2019): After time apart, we tend to forget the bad times and the hurtful things that have happened, and we tend to remember the good things which we have experienced. Often times, we will tend to over exaggerate how good those good things actually were! That is why the good old days always seem So Good! How soon we forget, what were actually the Not That Great old days! The reality here is, you and your ex were not the perfect match. She went away to school, but she met another man, she cheated on you, she broke up with you, thus breaking your heart! Whether or not your current girlfriend is The One, for you, in the long term, your exgf was definately Not the one! Your ex wanted her independence, from you, and she took it, at your expense! Let Her Own It! Do Not Accept or even reply to her request! Put her out of your mind friend! Block and delete her, everyplace! Best wishes, Friend!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2019): If you aren't really into your current partner then break up with her. It's not fair to keep stringing her along and if you're always comparing her in your head to your ex then that is what you are doing. i'm not saying your Ex is the person for you but this girl definitely isn't. Set her free.
AFTER you've done that. decide what you want to do about your ex. But don't put feelers out to her now because all you're doing then is keeping your current gf as a back up in case your ex isn't interested in rekindling things and that is really crappy.
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