A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is not enough for me anymore. I have always thought it wouldn’t matter that he’s short, cause he was in shape. Then, he got fat. Refuses to work out which I do. We don’t even look like a couple. Then he got grumpy. Is in weird angry mood all the time. Then he forgot my birthday but I reminded him at 2am in the morning when he was done his two hour complaint about his mom and made me cry because his never ending daily rant with his mom and taking it out on me was more important than my birthday, which happens only a day in a year.He didn’t plan anything nice. Then he waited so long to buy me a cake and he got some issues with the payment and never got me the cake so no candles for three years straight. Last year it was his mom that took my cake for her party and he did nothing about it. I feel so dissapointed seeing how cute my friend’s boyfriends are to them in their bday, giving them flowers and planning something special. Mine is just zero effort. He’s always expecting for me to treat him like a king, which I did for his birthday and he doesn’t even care. Thething is that his dad is now sick and that’s why I can’t complain to him. Last year it was another reason and it’s been 3 years since we did celebrate. Not only my bday gets cancelled, he gets angry that I want to have a Christmas tree, he just won’t let me buy it. He doesn’t like that we have to buy presents. It’ s sad cause I’m wasting my twenties with someone that can’t make me happy. We do celebrate his birthday every time, but why is mine one excuse after another. I want to break up with him but how can I go about it without sounding insensitive to his dad being in a coma. I know I can’t break up with him right now because of his dad, but I’m frustrated and my life is passing by too. I think I’m starting to get feelings for my ex and I even dream about spending Christmas with him because I know my boyfriend will ruin Christmas too if I let it happen. I can’t help imagining another life with a man who is more compatible with me. Do you think what I’m feeling is wrong? Do you think it’s time to break up? How can I break up without him getting offended?
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male
reader, kenny  +, writes (16 December 2021):
 At the end of the day he is not making you happy, and by your own admission you say you are wasting your 20's because of it.
Relationship should be 50/50, not one person making all the effort. I think that life is two short to be with someone who you have lost feeling for.
You are already having feelings for an ex, and i would also suggest being cautious around this as well, an ex is an ex for a reason, if it never worked the first time its likely not to work the second time. Also if you got with him this Christmas it would be on the rebound, and this also is dangerous territory.
I would finish things with your current partner, and just enjoy being young free and single for a while. Then after a few months, or however long you need get back out there and test the water's in the dating game again.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 December 2021):
 You are done and have been done for a long while, I'm guessing so LEAVE. There will ALWAYS be an "excuse" for NOT to leave, OP.
It's sad that his dad is sick, I hope he gets well. However, you two dating has nothing to do with his dad's illness. You are not breaking up because his dad is ill. You are breaking up because you are just not compatible with each other. The End.
The ONLY person who is RESPONSIBLE for your OWN happiness is YOU. Being in this relationship makes you miserable, so the option is to LEAVE. HE is not going to change.
While I think you are old enough to make something out of your birthday IF you really want to celebrate - especially if you know that he has done squat all for 3 years.
You keep doing the same thing OVER and over and you still expect the outcome to be different. THAT is a waste of time.
Look at it this way, the years with him are not really wasted, you have gotten some lessons of what to do and NOT to do next time.
Set yourself free. Enjoy life. Enjoy holidays as YOU want to.
Rip the band-aid off. End the relationship.
There is no fix here.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 December 2021):
 If your ex was so great, why are you not still with him? Our ex's are usually in the past for good reason and, with few exceptions, should be left there. You wouldn't re-read a book and expect a different ending, so why would you revisit a relationship which didn't work out the first time and expect a different ending? Are you just looking for another relationship to "free" you from this one? What's wrong with being on your own for a while, until you get over your break-up and figure out what you need from a future partner?
There is never a "good" time to leave someone. Your boyfriend's father could be in a coma for a long time, years even. Are you going to put your young life on hold indefinitely and stay with a man with whom you don't want to be, because it's not a "good" time to leave?
Also, there is no way of ending a relationship without the other person getting upset, unless you both happen to want to end things at the same time. Part of being an adult and being in relationships is that you need to have the courage and integrity to end them when they have run their course. It's never easy but it's something which needs to be done.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2021): "I know I can’t break up with him right now because of his dad, but I’m frustrated and my life is passing by too."
I don't quite understand the logic behind this statement; when you've written volumes about how unhappy you are with your boyfriend. According to your post, he is inconsiderate, fussy, selfish, chubby, and forgets your birthdays. He's a total Grinch towards the purchase of a Christmas tree or buying presents!
How is his dad's coma and your failing relationship even remotely connected? They are totally unrelated matters, and his father is his personal family-issue to contend with. Your compassion and support are not proven by remaining in a broken relationship. Your suffering and staying with a guy you don't seem to love anymore doesn't seem to make his father's medical condition any better. It seems your relationship problems were there before his father took ill. Staying together under pretentious or forced conditions breeds contempt and resentment. Your true-feelings could be forced-out by anger and feeling caged-in. You will surely fly into a rage at some point; and might even blurt-out the only reason you've stayed, is because of his father's coma. That would be cruel and inappropriate...but you are only human. That truth is better kept to yourself.
How is putting on an act of support for your boyfriend helping anything? You've even admitted thinking about your ex. How is your staying with him even the least bit sincere?
"It’ s sad cause I’m wasting my twenties with someone that can’t make me happy."
Nobody's forcing you to. You're blaming his father's coma for your only reason to stick around. Yet your heart surely isn't in it. It seems the appearances are more the issue; than the facts regarding his father's state of health. These things don't happen when it's convenient, you know.
You don't owe your boyfriend anything. His weight and whatever are only superficial matters; but how someone treats you and how you feel about each-other, are truly significant in keeping the relationship alive.
If you want to wait-out the holidays; then I recommend you enjoy it with your family. Show your respects for his dad, and any amount of support you can give to your bf's family. Keep your ex out of the matter; until you've dealt with your relationship at-hand. Don't go creating unnecessary drama; because you otherwise don't know how to be honest and straightforward about your feelings, and really want out of your relationship. Before you decide to go and recycle your ex; revisit and contemplate on all the reasons you two broke-up.
Girlfriend, you're looking for a backup situation; or a default/rebound-relationship with your ex to substitute for your presently unhappy-relationship. People do this to avoid the discomforts from withdrawal caused by separation; and the excruciating post-breakup recovery-period you will inevitably have to face. You cannot avoid or escape it by using an ex as an emotional band-aid. You're not a teenager anymore. You have to adult your way through this, come what may!
This will all be resolved and straightened-out when you are honest with your boyfriend; and tell him what you've told us. Let him deal with it like an adult. Fact is, you can still show compassion and concern for his father without having to suffer by staying with your boyfriend. If he wants you to stay away from his family once you breakup; so be it. My guess is, he'll survive it. Your sticking around and being miserable the whole time seems to serve no particular purpose.
Me myself? I'd dump him! Let him know I am concerned that his father is in a coma, but things are just too bad between you as a couple to stay. I'd ask his permission if you could check on his mom, and visit his dad at the hospital; and I'd otherwise move-on, and leave him be. Your ex might use you under the circumstances; and that would be just as painful and disparaging as breaking-up. Then you'll just suffer yet another breakup with someone you've broken-up with before. That is way too much soap opera drama and TV reality show to be worth all the trouble, sweetheart! Think long and hard about that "going-back to my ex" stuff!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2021): I do think it is high time that you break up - as for how to do that without offending your boyfriend , that's another story. Maybe he will get offended.Then again, you cannot waste your life just for the sake of being "nice " to people.
Think about it. The poor dad is in a coma, sadly, but that does not mean the end is close.There are people who remained years and years in a coma,Anyway, even if he should die some time in the next future,...then what ? Do you think it feels nicer and less offending when you dumping somebody who has just lost a parent ? .If you really want to spare his feelings, then you should also wait until he has somewhat processed his loss...an average of two years, according to various studies on bereavement.
What I'm basically getting at is simply : you can't make an omelette without breaking the eggs. Yes , at times choosing your own happiness and wellbeing will mean troubling or " offending " the other party. But, at times, this is what you need to do if you value your happiness and wellbeing ( and, in your case ,dignity).You just need to summon some guts.
Plus, at the end of the day, if you mean to leave him....what do you care even if he gets offended ? You surely won't stick around to hear his complaints..
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A
male
reader, DarrellGood +, writes (15 December 2021):
 Yes it is time to break up. I understand the reasons you may feel like this is a bad time but honestly, I think you are headed to a place where you could end up doing something you are going to regret even more than breaking up with him at a bad time.
This one has come to a natural end. Its time to go. There is never a good time. Good luck.
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