A
female
age
26-29,
*ostCompass
writes:Should I move out or not?I tried moving out twice this year but cancelled because I was too terrified.The reason why I wanted to move out both times is because I felt extremely stressed at home all the time. All I wanted was some peace.However I now regret not going ahead with moving back then. Because I don’t think I can move out now.My younger sister is going to be getting married and I have never felt so worthless in my life before.I am so happy for my sister, I really am. It’s just the fact that she is the daughter my parents always wanted. As the eldest I have always been a boring and worrisome child, never the “star” they wanted that they could show off or be proud of. My parents currently look down on me for saying I want to wait a bit longer to get married. I’m 23. I told them give me till 25. They said ok but no longer then that. Now my sister (who is 20) is getting married to our second cousin and they have brought each others families together like never before and I feel like I just need to get out of here. I have never been close to my sister. I’ve just always been a distant sister to her and I’m forever guilty about that. My mum has always been closer to my sister and now that my sister is going to get married, they’ve become even closer, like best friends. Every day I wake up and I feel like I’m not living my life but am in fact living to serve my sister’s life in a way. Now all the talk is about the big marriage. Preparation for the marriage and her future. Every single day. For her house and kids and new job now that she has just graduated university. She is also extremely attractive and is constantly complimented about it. It is hard for me to focus on my life when from the second I wake up to the second I go to sleep, there’s always something going on about her even before this whole marriage thing. Whenever I am out of the house and around other people I am always much happier.Ok, so I should move…But I’m terrified of being officially “outcast(?)” by my family and my relatives. I’m just so scared. Moving out would cause my middle eastern family to shun me. I wish I could feel love towards my family but I just don’t, and I never have (I’ve felt this way for a long time). They’re good people, but I just have never belonged with them, even though I really, really wish I did. I love my best friend more than my family. I would sacrifice my life for her before anyone else. I just feel so sorry I can’t be a sister to my sister.So I don’t know what to do. I must see a therapist/psychologist but I don’t know how long it will be till I see one and where to find one. I live in Sydney Australia for context. I’m worried the therapist won’t be able to help me either because my situation is too complicated. I don’t know how to cope and look after myself in the meantime. I have been losing my appetite for food because of stress which is stressing me out even more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2021): Your life seems consumed with jealousy and envy for your sister. You can't love her, or your family; because you feel outcast. It seems more the case you want to be an outcast, than the reality. I can only judge by your post; but your parents seem quite typical and traditional about marriage. You don't have to be from a middle eastern family to be pressured to marry and have kids. It's universal! They want grandchildren, and the family name and/or DNA to be carried-on into the future. They want both their daughters to find happiness and love. I don't believe they are as disappointed in you, as you are in yourself. You are so gripped by jealousy. If you make no personal effort to make a life; then you leave yourself entirely at the mercy of fate and probability. If you tag yourself a failure, or believe it when people call you a failure; you will be a failure through self-fulfilling prophesy. No-one decides who you are, or what you will be, but YOU!
You've claimed to have chosen no particular path; so your life is left to fate. Circumstance will choose your destiny; without any input or effort from you. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. No investment, no dividends. That's all on you, if that's your approach to life. God gives us choices.
You've stoked your resentment towards your sister for so long; that you can't love her. You can't love your parents, basically because you feel so much jealousy; and fault them for loving your sister more. Blaming everyone else for making you feel unloved; because of her efforts to succeed, or make your parents happy. Nature decided how you both looks. Our genetics and gender during fetal-development aren't yet a legal or moral choice. Sweetheart, not only is it blatantly obvious; and you even admit you're jealous! To some degree that is human nature, but you can take it too far!
Maybe you should move-out. You deserve your freedom and independence; if you feel unattached, pressured, or unloving of your sister and family. You blame them, but they are not completely at fault. Your sister is younger than you, and she has a different personality. If she shows more effort towards pleasing your parents, and she goes out of her way to show them love; she deserves the reward of their love and approval. She may be getting married too young; but if she feels she loves him, it's up to them to workout their issues together through life. The same would probably come to you, if you really wanted it; but according to you, you don't like anybody. Hence, why should anybody like you? You only care for your friend. You claim, even more than your own family. You can pick your friends; but you can't choose your family. Such is life, my dear!
Every problem we have in our personality isn't necessarily resolved through therapy; although it can truly be helpful to many people. It's a matter of character, the choices we make, and the path we choose through life. We can be the victim of everything, blame life for always working against us; and developing bitterness, while always claiming nobody ever treats us right. That's when you need to look into the mirror, and assess yourself.
Life is not going out of its way to make you miserable; that's a matter of outlook. Your sister is not at fault that you are not happy with yourself, or your parents. Maybe your indifference to your parents shows in your attitude and behavior; and is reflected in how YOU treat THEM. They can't show you their approval no matter what you do, or how you behave. If you respond negatively to mistreatment, don't they have the same right as you do? They love us in spite of our faults, because it's a maternal and paternal instinct; although, they will outwardly display their disapproval or disappointment in us. That's what parents do. If you ever become a parent, I guess that's when you'll figure that out. It's common sense, you don't really have to be a parent to understand that.
Well, maybe moving-on and distancing yourself will bring you some form of independence and happiness; since you don't feel you love your family. You really give no reason or explanation of what they've done to you, other than hope you'd marry and find happiness. Traditionally, people think marriage and having children when we become adults is a way towards happiness. That isn't necessarily true; because you can serve your country, contribute to society, make humanitarian efforts to change the world; or devote yourself to expression through talent, your art, or serving God. You can live a perfectly happy and fulfilled life in these ways. I think deep-down inside, you really do love your family; but you don't love yourself. Your envy has taken deep roots, and it clouds your perception and feelings; but you don't seem like a bad-person at all. You are projecting your self-disappointment onto everyone else. Blaming life for giving you the shaft. You can see things anyway you like. That isn't necessarily the reality.
Move-out! Maybe distance away from the family for awhile, will give you a better perspective, and an attitude-adjustment.
I truly wish you well, my dear.
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