A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a controlling mother- she’s always been like it and ive just spent my whole life accepting it. She has no boundaries and interferes all the time. I got married 3 years ago and did so many things that upset me and like an idiot I never stood up for myself.When we went to look for her mother of the bride outfit she actually asked the dress maker if she could make her a dress similar to my bridal gown so we could match! This shocked me and fortunately the dress maker refused telling my mother that it’s not the done thing and it’s the brides day. My mother then found herself the most brightest and flamboyant dress so she would stand out! On the day of my wedding she did nothing but snap at me for various reasons in private and then acted like the doting mother in public.She did a really long reading at our ceremony and then got angry at me when the videographer didn’t put it in the video. She actually threatened to call him and tell him to redo the dvd to include her reading. On our wedding day there was another function going on in our hotel and my mother and a couple of her friends disappeared before I was due my first dance. I had to hold off my dance to find her as she had some expensive confetti she wanted to throw over us. Luckily my bridesmaid had seen my mother and a couple of her friends go in to this function room and we tracked them down and she was upset with me for apparently making a “big deal” of not being able to find her. Now when I look back on my wedding dvd and photos I have nothing but unhappy memories- I thought in time I’d get over it but I haven’t and I resent her for how she treated me.It’s the one important day I will never get back and all I see in the photos is sadness and stress. I can’t bare to even look at my wedding dress. Anyone else experienced something similar to this? I feel it’s extreme but cannot help it.
View related questions:
wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, GregoFranco  +, writes (20 December 2021):
The purpose of the wedding is to celebrate the beginning of your marriage. Have a 5 year anniversary party and do it again. And your mom sounds cool. Just relax. If she was a dork that did everything a certain way, she wouldn't be who she is.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2021): People can only pull your strings if you let them. You act towards and about your mother as if she is a jailor or supervisor and you are a tiny child. You need to change.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2021): We don't know the bigger picture here and your interpretation of your Mum's actions and behaviours also seems very limited in the sense of there being a complete lack of curiosity or empathy on your side for her as a human being.
Okay, so in your opinion your mother lacks boundaries and is interfering. Have you asked yourself why? Has she suffered something in her life that makes it hard for her to let go psychologically of you? Does she feel intense dislike if not hatred from you, doesn't know how or what to do to make it better and keeps trying things to feel close to you and appreciated by you - a flamboyant dress, expensive confetti, a long reading - you have interpreted these things as if they are personal assaults against you, on a day that was only for you. Maybe she was desperate to show her daughter how much she wanted to bond with her, maybe she felt like this was her last chance before she lost you. Maybe she is neurodiverse - a vast amount of the population are, including without knowing it - and so she thinks things through differently to you.
You are making her seem like a self-centred woman. However, the bigger picture behind seeming self-centred people is that they may have been extremely emotionally neglected in younger years and, not knowing anything else, they keep attracting neglectful people into their lives, who don't care to look beyond the surface and think about things and them a little more deeply.
You will likely be a mother one day. When your daughters or sons are grown up and they tell you that you are perfect, that's the time to deride your own mother. Until then, grow up, quite literally - manage her by saying what you do want and don't want and be firm with this. But also care just a little bit about her and show some curiosity about what has made her that way and what you can BOTN do to make things work better for both of you in the future. It's not difficult to see your mother has been made to feel like she doesn't know her place in your life at all, and her behaviours keep 'popping up' in your head as overbearing - that's the sign of someone desperate to fit in to your grand scheme of things, and who fears losing you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2021): Your mother didn't ruin your wedding day, you allowed her to get into your head!
If she brought herself a flashy dress for the wedding; put a spin on it. She looked especially nice on your wedding day; but nobody, and nothing, can steal the show from the luminous beautiful bride. All eyes, cameras, and phones were focused on you, on your special day. You empowered her, because you let her push your buttons. Had you rolled your eyes, and focused on your groom; there'd have been no room for her foolishness in your memories of that day.
When she disappeared before your dance, you didn't have to make a big deal out of that either. You should have just pretended not to notice, and enjoyed yourself. Again, you let her squat in your head!
If she wants to add herself back into the video; let her do it at her own expense, and for her own enjoyment. We get posts from people with much worse than you've described about their overbearing wickedly-witchy moms. One day she'll be gone, and you'll miss her antics. What bugs you now, won't seem so bothersome when she no longer around to piss you off.
You're three years married, still with your beloved husband; so get ma out of your head, sweetheart! She ain't paying rent to live there, so evict her! It's water under the bridge, and things could be so much worse!
Your memories are selective, you get to forget or delete the things you want to! Or, you can forget the day he became your husband; and focus everything on your mom.
Happiest of Holidays, and Happy New Year!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2021): I’m sorry this happened to you. Very frustrating & your mother was completely in the wrong with how she behaved.
A colleague of mine went through a similar thing. Her mother overtook her wedding after my colleague wanted a small affair, she ended up with a huge wedding she hated.
Many years after she spilt with her husband & remarried- only this time she didn’t tell anyone they went away & got married, just the 2 of them. Of course her mother was upset when she found out but hey ho!
What I think you should do is on your 5 year anniversary have a vow renewal- just you 2, no one else & make new memories with that.
There must have been some good moments at the wedding - focus on that.
Sound like your mother has no boundaries so please set them, even though it will be difficult at first. The more she gets away with the worse it will be
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 December 2021):
 I'm sorry that your mom is a cow.
The thing is THIS is who she is, She was like this before the wedding and she will continue to be like this after and probably until the day she dies. THIS is who she is.
Many people have this idea that weddings will be the "most perfect day of their lives" and they rarely are because there are so many "moving parts" and people so drama and mistakes are not uncommon. For a lot of people, weddings are stressful, not like they imagined.
It was a day you HAD hoped she would behave but she didn't.
Personally, I would have had the dance whether she was there or not. HER choice was to NOT be there. Screw her confetti. But hindsight is 20/20, as they say.
So what can you do about it? Well, accept that your mom is not the kind of person who wants the best for you, she wants the BEST for her. You can't undo what she did, you can't turn back time. Only thing you CAN do is NOT let her behavior (past or present) control your life anymore.
I would look into reading up on "how to deal with a narcissistic mother" ( not that I can diagnose her but she sounds like "one of those".)
Find some GOOD shots of you, your husband, and some of your favorite friends and family member and put THEM in an album. A HAPPY album.
The wedding is ONE day of your marriage. ONE day. Don't let it set the tone for your relationship with your husband and your life together. IF you need to minimize the amount of time you spend with your mom, then DO so. IF it makes for a less drama-filled and unhappy life. I'm not saying cutting her out (that is your choice) but YOU can control how much you want to be around her.
Let it go. Make NEW memories with your husband WITHOUT her. HAPPY memories.
Just so you know you are not alone. A friend of mine's oldest daughter just got married. Her MIL did wear white, and booked herself into the SAME resort as the honeymoon couple... Imagine.. honeymoon with MIL! The good thing was she tested positive (she is OK) so she couldn't fly. I hear the husband is paying a photo editor to color in the MIL's dress in all the pictures.
Chin up. And TRY and let it go. You can't change her and you can't change the past. Look forward, to the here and now and the future and make it as HAPPY as you can stand.!
...............................
|
