A
female
age
41-50,
*0anddating
writes:I've been in a relationship for over a year woth my boyfriend and we just had a disagreement because he recently told me about a women he slept with and still friends with. He says that she has always been their for him and has been a good friend. I just don't know if I believe men and women can be friends. She has been in his life longer then me am I right to tell him he should not keep in touch with her? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (17 December 2013):
 Without getting into a debate here; …“am I right to tell him he should not keep in touch with her?” I’d be more inclined to be peeved that this has been going on without your knowledge up until now? How is this possible; for him not to mention this in general conversation after a year?
From experience, I had an EX who called me out of the blue after 10 years had passed, when his marriage disintegrated. We would briefly chat every 2 months or so as he called me from work. I occasionally would call him because of his line of work as I could get some needed advice – why not. This continued for a few years until the EX met someone and then the phone calls went silent :)
Yet during this time, it was clear that my partner felt curious and perhaps a smidge insecure at first even though this was an EX living 2000km’s away and I had informed him of the background.
Now did my partner tell me not to keep in touch with him – NO! He need not have either because I gave him no reason to doubt or be suspicious of me, period! But it comes to show you how even an Ex living thousands of km’s away can affect ones feelings, regardless of the truth being told and out in the open.
Had my partner said; I should not keep in contact with him… I would consider his feelings, assure him there is no threat, reiterate the background and remind him that I’ve always been honest in telling him when I received a call from Mr. EX.
Hence the point is – HONESTY, and your boyfriend has not given you that privilege over a year into your relationship!? Therefore you could tell him in retaliation he can now scratch her off his Xmas friendship card list and see if he likes that? Although I wager he wouldn’t and as general consensus suggests he’s entitled to his friends and as are you entitled to know the honest truth thereof.
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 December 2013):
 This is the conversation I would have with him if he were my boyfriend and he waited over a year to tell me that his friend was someone he's had sex with:
"I know you've been friends with her and that you had a sexual relationship with her in the past. I can't tell you what to do, but sadly, that is a dealbreaker for me to date a guy who keeps close friends with exes. I have been cheated on in the past by guys who stayed friends with their exes, so I find it incompatible with what I'm looking for in a guy.
I won't tell you to leave her. I won't pressure you or give you ultimatums that you can resent me for later on. However, I unfortunately need to call it quits in our relationship because you have too much baggage for me, and because you didn't disclose this to me until we were a year into our relationship, which to me is a trust issue to be hiding something this important. That bothers me that you've been friends all this time, but you hid this information. So, I wish you the best, but I think I'm going to see other people now."
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (16 December 2013):
 doesn't matter if they started off as sexual. what matters is the present. and as long as they aren't sexual NOW, who cares what their past was? my gf if friends with many of her exes. and she's as faithful as can be and i have no worries whatsoever about her cheating.
if your boyfriend gives you a reason to worry, then be worried. but if he's respectful of you and knows his boundaries, give the man some breathing room to do what is right by you.
people appreciate trust and freedom. and it makes people LESS likely to cheat.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 December 2013):
 No... you do NOT have a "right" to tell him that he can't be friends with this woman....
That said,... I have an interesting question for you: Would you feel the same way - and want to make the same ultimatum - if you knew that he had NOT (ever) had sex with her?
Sign me,
Curious
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 December 2013):
 No I'm sorry you don't have the RIGHT to tell him he can't be friends with her.
YOU DO have the RIGHT and the NEED to tell him you are not comfortable with it. HE has the right to tell you to learn to cope with it or walk away.
In other words, yep you can tell him you no longer wish him to have contact with her. HE can then say that he no longer wishes to date you because you are asking him to make a choice. Usually the person asking for the decision to end a friendship is the one who loses.
I had friends tell me that they could not be friends with me if I was with my then boyfriend. I said I understood and I would miss them. I ended the friendship and married the boyfriend. While I miss my friends, NO ONE is EVER going to tell me who I can and cannot be friends with. SADLY for them they still stand with mouths agape at the thought that I picked someone else over them.
Interestingly enough, my husband cannot stand this couple either but he never would have told me I can't be friends with them And yes i was sexual with BOTH OF THEM before I met my husband so it is the SAME THING as your issue partially and yet my husband said "well if you must be friendly with them do it without me around". Personally I would have done that now and again with them had they NOT mandated that I make a choice.
If you have been dating a year and he just told you about her, I am assuming that she is not part of the regular social circle and you have not met her. How often do they get together and see each other... sending a text now and then is not FRIENDS... it's friendly. there is a big difference.
are you cutting off your nose to spite your face?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 December 2013):
 You CAN tell him, but is it your "right"? No. I think you are BOTH grown people and you should be able to trust each other and respect the fact that HE is capable in being "just" friends with that woman. If you have doubts about THAT, then why are you with him? If you don't trust him, and think if she said he want a roll in the hay? he will jump, then why are you with him?
However since it nags you have you told him why it makes you uncomfortable?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): If after a year I still did not feel totally comfortable about my bf being friends with an ex, I would tell him it isn't working for me, give him an opportunity to end the friendship, otherwise walk away. I am not friends with any exes and if I was, and my bf didn't like it, I would not hesitate to end the friendship, or at least, not put any effort into it. I care more for my bf feelings, and the success of the relationship way more than the old friendship of an ex. SO, you don't have a right to tell him he can't be friends with her, but you do have a right to decide that you do not want to have a relationship with a man who remains good friends with an ex. It is then up to him to make it right...or not.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 December 2013):
You can do whatever you want, you do have the right. I don't think it makes a lot of sense though, and it won't strengthen your relationship, only weaken it.
If you trust him, then trust him to not sleep with her. If he does then dump him and find someone better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): Hmmm that would have worked llifton if they started off as Platonic friends but this started off as sexual.
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A
female
reader, Lieutenant  +, writes (16 December 2013):
You have no right to tell anyone who is not your child who they can or cannot be friends with. If your bf was the one telling you that you can't be friends with a guy, i'm sure you would think that he is controlling. Stop being so insecure and don't be that "psychopathicc bitch of a gf". If he hasn't given you any reason to think that he wants to cheat on you with her, then what really is your problem? If it's not this woman, it would be someone else. What do you plan on doing, cutting out all the women in his life?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (16 December 2013):
Nope. Not right. You can't tell your boyfriend who he can and can't be friends with. Guys and girls can be platonic friends. And as long as they are both respectful of the boundaries of your relationship, there's nothing to be bothered about.
On the other hand, the moment one of them crosses a boundary, THEN you have a right to tell him it's inappropriate.
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A
female
reader, KaileyLove  +, writes (16 December 2013):
 Absolutely!
Well... You have the right to tell him how you feel about it. And it's up to him whether he respects your wishes or not.
I had the same problem with my boyfriend. When he told me that he slept with his best friend over 4 times... Uh-uh! It was time for her to go! So, I told him how I felt about it, and he said that he absolutely agreed with me and right then and there he told her that he wanted to make things work with me.
And there have been countless times when he had slept with friends, or even just kissed them, and he said that if it upset me, he'd stop being friends with them.
Point being, you may not be able to say, "Boyfriend! I demand you stop talking to this she-devil!" But you can certainly tell him how you feel about it. And if he respects your feelings then he'll either stop talking to her, or keep the conversing to a very minimal level.
And don't worry, I don't believe men and women can be friends either.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 December 2013):
I think you're looking at this the wrong way. It's not about telling him what to do or giving him an ultimatum. It's about what YOU will live with, and what YOUR actions will be based on his actions. You have to decide for yourself whether or not you accept that he keeps an ex as a good friend.
Personally, I would find that incompatible, because it's baggage, and all too often, the embers are there even if the flame is no longer. I would also have a hard time with a guy going out and hanging out with her, having long intimate conversations and texts. If she were a platonic friend who has never had anything between him, and no feelings or sex or unrequited crushes have taken place, I would be fine with it. But keeping a former ex around would be a dealbreaker for me.
I think you should go to him and tell him what you will do, but first, you need to decide what to do if he keeps her on. Telling him you can't live with it and that you'll leave is nothing if you don't mean it. Then it is just an empty threat.
But know this - she has no bigger claim on him than you. That means if you stay with him, she isn't the primary relationship, you are. However, there's no way I'd stay with a guy with an ex baggage unless it was for a good reason (i.e. she came out as a lesbian or married his brother bringing her into the family, in which case contact is unavoidable)
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