| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hello and thanksSo my bf and I have been together about 3 years. In the beginning he was cheating and I found out and he apologized and I had to regain my trust in him. Unfortunately he was an Instagram account and hes got the woman he cheated with on there and they are still communicating. I feel disappointed, disrespected among other things. He feels it's no big deal , really? That I am over reacting. I feel like he has absolutely no guilt of what he has done or he definitely would consider my feelings. I should mention he is 7 years younger than me. Am I over reacting ?
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male
reader, kenny  +, writes (14 June 2021):
 Leopards don't normally change their spots OP. You are right to feel the way you are feeling.
He cheated on you, he betrayed you, and you forgave him. Although you think you have got over it, you really haven't. Because he has cheated in the past it will always be in the back of your mind that he could do it again.
Trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together, without trust a relationship will head for a downward spiral.
If you totally trusted him you would not be here on DC posting this question.
I think you should have finished it when he cheated the first time. The question is are you now always going to suspect his everymove?. Suspect who is is chatting to on social media?. Who it is when his phone goes off. Where is he when he goes out and you can't contact him.
I would suspect that all these things you worry about, which is normal for someone who has be cheated on.
Are you over reacting?. No your not. But these suspecting feelings you are having are unhealthy. Maybe its time to end this relationship and move on. You might even feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders if you do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2021): I think you're feeling desperate, and feel forced to hold-on to a guy you don't trust. I'll repeat myself from previous posts of this kind; and note how it seems that women over 30 are the toughest to get through to about bad-boyfriends. You don't want to lose him to her, out of general principle. Nevermind that he's a no-count cheating bag of dirt! I guess you like the drama!
We can't be so casual as to suggest that women get rid of husbands; knowing there's a legal process, property, and children involved. We would stress the urgency of removing themselves from violence and psychological-abuse.
No man is worth suffering to keep. He doesn't worry about cheating when he knows you're not going anywhere anyway. He'll just lie and cover his tracks. You'll just give him a lot of drama; while she gives him goodies and snuggles on the side. She'll always be understanding when you're getting on his nerves. She is his secret-weapon who keeps you in-check. Fall out of line, and she's there waiting with open-arms. The ever-present wedge, who ain't going anywhere!
Boyfriends are disposable and replaceable. They have no legal papers or vows to keep.
You want to keep this boyfriend, knowing he still communicates with the woman he cheated with. A no-brainer is to dump the guy who won't dump the person he cheated with. They've become chums? I can see a lot remorse and guilt going-on here to prove how sorry he is! I mean with the utmost sarcasm!!!
If you want to hold-on to him, you'll have to deal with the fact he's not going to give her up.
Maybe you won't let-go, because you figure he's just going to end-up with her. As it stands now, he's probably having his cake and eating it to!
Nobody who really wants to reconcile their differences and regain your trust; is going to stay in-contact with the person that they've cheated with. How does doing that make it up to you? That's a slap in the face!
You don't need advice. Just use your common sense.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (12 June 2021):
 He cheated in the beginning of your relationship and you stayed (which... To each his/her own and obviously cheating isn't a dealbreaker for you), he has failed at proving himself to you, he still communicated with the woman that he cheated with and then when you spoke to him about it, he said that it isn't and shouldn't be a big deal... Okay let me be honest with you here; I don't think that he respects you as a woman, as HIS woman and as a human being in general. He saw in the beginning how flimsy your boundaries were and he has been overstepping what's left of them since. Since you've already communicated your feelings to him and he blatantly disregarded them, it's for you to decide whether or not you're okay being treated this way or not. He's not going to change. That's the hard truth. You've taught him, very well, how to treat you. He's probably going to continue to treat you this way. The question is; are you okay being disrespected and disregarded or not? If so, you may as well suck it up and accept this level of ill-treatment. If not, it may be within your best interest to leave. Ultimately it's up to you but you need to do some real soul searching and decide what you want the rest of your life to look like and what you'd like your relationship to look like. If this is it for you, then I wish you well. If not, some changes have to be made.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 June 2021):
 Are you overreacting? Obviously not - from a common-sense stand.
He doesn't USE common sense or rather he is trying to gaslighting you into NOT using some common sense and DUMP his cheating and lying ass.
Like, YCNBS said, we all have different boundaries. For me, personally, I would have ended it the moment I found out he was cheating. I don't believe someone who will cheat on me, lie to my face is disrespect the relationship AND I, is someone I want to be with.
By staying in contact with her, he is TELLING you that what you feel about it doesn't matter to him. He will do whatever HE wants to do.
You forgiving him and trying to rebuild trust is amiable but pointless. He has shown you that. What has HE done to show you that he IS trustworthy? NOTHING.
You can stay with him and WASTE more of your time, energy, and emotions. OR... You can say enough is enough, I'm done. And then YOU do the ADULT thing and break up, block him, and cut all contact.
You shouldn't make excuses for him for what he did. Cheating is a CHOICE. It doesn't just happen. him being younger than you doesn't mean he doesn't know that cheating is disgusting, hurtful, and just plain gross.
Take some time and think about this, DO you want to continue a relationship where you KNOW your partner has zero respect for you? LOOK at his action, don't just listen to what he says.
He is keeping his options open by keeping in contact with her.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (12 June 2021):
 Ok so he's a liar and a cheater. Why are you still with him? Out of all the men in the world to be with you choose him. Why darling??? Thats what you should be asking yourself. You deserve far better. How are you overreacting? If anything, you aren't doing enough. Get out..end it. Find a man who will give you all of himself and not want to spread himself around.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 June 2021):
 Only you can decide whether this is a "big deal". Only you can decide where your boundaries are. Only you can decide how you allow people to treat you. Only you can decide how much respect you expect from people.
Everyone is different. Everyone has different boundaries.
My question to you would be: why did you not walk away immediately you found out he was a cheater? You KNOW he is a cheater. You KNOW he is still in contact with the woman he cheated with. You KNOW he has little respect for your feelings. Either accept that is who he is and what he is capable of, or call it a day and walk away. You cannot change him.
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