A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a. 53 year old woman who split from my long-term partner a few years ago. Without going into detail my life has been very tough, there is no 'family wealth' and I spent most of my life caring for others whilst trying to make some headway career-wise. I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue when I was 25 (due to long-term stress from my original family) and have battled with this most of my life. It has made work-life very difficult, but I have somehow patched together what looks on paper like a very successful career and an interesting one. However, and whilst I definitely do not suffer from anxiety or suchlike, I am constantly worried about money and losing my home by being too ill to work to pay my mortgage - I had to sell a flat I really loved and had worked very hard for, in order to avoid it being repossesed when I became ill. I realised a few years ago I can't carry on like this and have to take a more relaxed pace of life or I will literally die young, like both my parents did.Anyway, I spent years and years researching different countries to buy a property in outright, knowing I would have to sell my home in London to do this but at least I would avoid the constant fear of not being able to pay the mortgage. I have not been able to afford many holidays but I did fall in love with Portugal many years back, and was travelling there whenever I could. The beaches were the main attraction, and it used to be the case that the country was very welcoming (although it still is, I felt a change when the Golden Visa system came out). Well, I was not able to afford anything except quite a small house or an apartment. Maybe I was too choosy, but I wanted a place large enough to invite my few friends sometimes and also my grandchildren which I know are arriving soon. Safety was also a major issue for me, as a woman alone - it would have been easier to buy a larger place inland, but I would have felt very isolated.Two years ago, I went on a brief, last-minute trip to Tuscany to an inland spa town, with a friend, and was amazed at how safe I felt and how much I liked it. I could completely imagine being there by myself and getting to know a few neighbours. I did a lot of research in the area and I was very lucky that a house - which for me is very large compared to London sizes - came up. It needs work, but I know a lot about property renovation and think it could be lovely. It is right in the centre of the town on a lovely street and surrounded by typical Tuscan landscape, less than one hour drive to the coast and 40 minutes to the airport. So, I bought it (!) It was almost one and a half years ago. However, mainly due to the pandemic I have not been able to return there and, since that time, I had so many doubts and worries and even nightmares that I did the wrong thing and should have bought in Portugal. I keep going on line trying to find something to convince me I made the right decision, but obviously there are things said for and against each country / area. But last night I had a rare evening out and the person sitting next to me was raving on about Portugal and what an amazing country it is. This triggered all my nightmares all over again! I don't have family other than my children and am expecting grandchildren soon. I know I made a potentially great investment - the house three doors down is on sale for 10 times what I paid for mine and is smaller and not as nice, so I have not been silly on that front. However, I cannot understand what is going on and why I remain uncertain. I feel I can't talk to anyone about it because people will assume I'm rich if I tell them I bought a house abroad, when in fact I'm really not at all. I also feel like, because it's abroad, I have no right to complain about it ever, because it is a luxury in a way. I keep thinking about the Portuguese beaches and, to be honest, when I got to the beach in Tuscany I was disappointed because the two can't really compare; the Tuscan beaches felt very commercialised, full of paid for sunbeds, no free showers like in Portugal and a lot smaller.Dont' get me wrong, they were still very nice, but a totally different vibe.Has anything like this happened to anyone else? Do you think it's just because I haven't been able to go there and bond with the house because of lockdown? Or should I have listened more carefully to my heart? It will sound strange but what finally made me make this choice was I felt like ultimately it was strange to want to feel like I am on holiday all the time and that I would have felt like this in Portugal, whereas in Italy it felt more like normal life with a bit of extra loveliness added in - I didn't want to feel 'retired' as such and was and am hoping to carry on my online work whilst there. I felt Portugal would keep distracting me. In Tuscany there is the outdoor town spa, the lovely Piazza and friendly people.The mosquitos drive me insane, they really do, and this makes me wonder why I chose this place. I don't understand why I feel this way and I keep thinking if I had made the decision with a partner it would all be fine, whatever I chose. What do you think please?
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female
reader, linmuir +, writes (13 June 2021):
Thank you Honeypie, I appreciate your input. I think you and YCBS are both right - I need to try it and see what happens and take it from there. Thank you again.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 June 2021):
 I agree 100% with what YCNBS
"I think you need to keep reminding yourself that nothing is "final". If it turns out not to be the right decision for you, you can sell up and move again. "
If this is NOT where you really want to retire too and you do NOT love the house and the area, I'd look into selling. And then keep looking where you really want to be (Portugal versus Italy).
My parents almost bought a house in Southern France. It was gorgeous. It's in a gorgeous local and big enough that they could rent it out when they weren't there. Then my Mom got ill and that was that. My dad still talks about it 20 years later with a bit of regret.
I think not buying was the right decision as my Mom wouldn't have handled the travel very well at all, they would have owned it but not used it. And that is a shame.
I would say, personally (and this is just me) I would try it for a year or two (living there). It might surprise you. It might confirm that you need to sell and rethink where you want to ultimately retire.
Either you want to LIVE that dream out, or you need to rethink the "dream".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2021): Think it is odd that you say you have ME yet have all of this energy to do all of this travelling etc. The people I have known with ME were unable to go out at all most of the time, let alone travel to other countries or be so physical. The first thing to do when you have ME is to concentrate on getting better. That means therapy, changing your diet, more careful exercise, meditation etc. Then it is easier to face anything else and get anything else done. It's unusual to get it due to stress and you seem to thrive on worrying about little details instead of simply making decisions and sticking to them - so therapy is needed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2021): Thank you Youcannotbe serious, for your supportive response, it is much appreciated.Code Warrior, you have no idea what else I've been doing to try to get the works started, or how much work I am still doing, or the extend of my health problems, so you can presume whatever you like, and judge me as much as you like, and think whatever you like - and clearly you do - but I know exactly the amount of effort I've put in. No, it wasn't a whim, it was a risk, and a calculated one, and a really brave one. Myabe you are a bit jealous? Maybe if you changed gender for 24 hours and saw what it's like for women, and got your head around the idea that some people are - HEY - DIFFERENT TO YOU, - who would have thought it, but they really are (!!!) you wouldn't get so wound up about things. Glad to see that lake house is doing wonders to make you into a calm, tolerant person...maybe you should be spending more time there..?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2021): You need to spend more time there and bond with the PEOPLE. That's the most important thing. I haven't moved a lot, compared to some people, but the moves I made could be considered drastic.I'll focus on the main examples. When I was 30 I moved to Paris. I did it out of necessity. I didn't speak the language nor was I especially in love with their culture. If I had a choice, I would have gone to the UK, the US, Spain or Germany (as you can guess, I speak their languages :). But life is funny. Due to some difficult circumstances, I simply couldn't blend in easily. Instead of focusing on learning the language, I had to work two jobs even on weekends, which among other things created a real lack of time to meet people and create a network of acquaintances and friends. Apart from people I saw at work - my boss and her husband or the students I tutored - there were days when I didn't say more than "bonjour" to anyone else but cashiers. Basically, I only had my husband to talk to and to things with. And this lasted for YEARS. It made me feel awful. Disconnected. Depressed.One of the sources for this was the fact that we lived in a neighborhood populated with people we had nothing in common with. Our neighbors were cordial but closed inside their own community. Things got better when we moved to a different neighborhood populated with people who were similar to us. We made some friends there and started feeling more connected. Then we bought a house in the countryside, which was our longtime dream. Our decision was based on our financial possibilities BUT also on the fact that we got to know people there first! The fact is I would never live there alone, since the house isolated, but I would very much like to with my husband. In the meantime we met new people and made more friends. I love going there even though it's a lot of work - a property to take care of. We still live in the city and go to our country-house whenever we can. COVID pprevented us from going there for a while, but we stayed in contact with people there. I think that's the key - connect with people and enjoy your life!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 June 2021):
 I can totally understand you falling in love with Tuscany. I have visited friends out there a couple of times and totally loved the place.
The only thing I would say is that life moves at a very different pace out there in comparison to, say, England. My friends bought a derelict house and had it renovated. Everything took much longer than they anticipated. (They had renovated their last home in England so were used to building works.) They said the workmen in Tuscany never had any sense of urgency about anything. This also applied to planning permission, etc. Everything just seemed to take ages to sort out and complete. Just something of which you need to be aware if you go ahead with works on your new house.
I think you need to keep reminding yourself that nothing is "final". If it turns out not to be the right decision for you, you can sell up and move again. You know you bought wisely in Tuscany and, should it come to it, you could resell and make a profit. Remind yourself of this every time you start to feel anxious.
I understand travel restrictions will make it more difficult for you than would normally be the case, but you will get to spend time in your new house at some time in the future. Hang fire on making any decisions until you get chance to spend some time there. If the house (and country) don't feel right for you, then sell up and move to where your heart pulls you. Nothing has been lost.
Good luck.
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