A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Agony Aunt and Uncles,How do I deal with the idea that some of my most traumatic memories may not have happened or maybe they did happen, but they may be my own fault? I really am asking for help, so I will be as nongraphic as possible. I have bad memories from being in kindergarten – 3rd grade. The oldest child was 12, I was the youngest. I swear I remember certain smells (like the smell of a furnished basement that had been too wet at one point), and how one of the little girls had really white blonde hair and she always kept her eyes squeezed shut so hard they almost disappeared. I remember all of us standing like soldiers in a row. I have been focusing on it in therapy on and off most of my adult like and never found any form of confidence, closure, or ability to get past it. Maybe I am weak.Recently, I ran into an Elementary/Middle School classmate and we had coffee. “Lance”, as it turns out, went to college in this city and I moved here ten years ago because it’s reasonably liberal despite everyone’s assumptions that all we do is hunt, fish and drive our trucks around fields of snow eating lutefisk and talking in weird accents. Lance moved to another state, but his job makes him travel, sometimes here. We get to talking and he says, “remember how we all used to mess with each other in ‘Lisa’s’ grandma’s basement when she was sucking on a bottle when she was supposed to be watching us?” When he said that, I did sort of remember that Lance may have been there. At least it made sense – I do remember a boy with a speech problem and at coffee Lance reminded me that his mom was mostly deaf and raised him on her own. He was indeed a real late talker who struggled in school and got bullied a lot. I said, “that was one of my most traumatic memories, why would you bring it up?” He cracked up and told me I started it – that back in kindergarten and first grade I was always rocking on my heel like I was playing with myself and I constantly used the code words we had made up to talk about certain acts we wanted do (I have no memory of that at all, that is what makes me think my memories were wrong). I told him I had no memory of starting it (why would I?!), I had no memory of “Ms. Linda” drinking, I just remember her staying upstairs while we played in the basement. I told that to Lance and he just sat there laughing. I honestly do not know what to do! I cannot afford therapy right now; I only work part-time, and I don’t work with people (I work in the back of a thrift store).Lance was on my Facebook and I deleted and blocked him. I also went through and deleted a bunch of Elementary/Middle School people I had only added back to be nice. It makes me wonder if I am wrong to be traumatized – is Lance right? Did I maybe start it and then make up new memories to make myself feel better? Am I really a bad person after all? I can’t tell, because I’ve re-lived it so many times in therapy I wonder if maybe the therapist put suggestive memories in my mind because she thought she was helping me and didn’t want to believe I was evil. At the same time, why do I get nauseous when I smell certain smells? It makes me doubt everything – why would I remember all this is detail but not remember other memories in such detail then? What is wrong with me then? Could Lance be right? Am I product of another person’s most traumatic memories like that poor blonde-haired girl? Why did he think it was funny? Am I wrong to feel traumatized? How do I know if I’m the bad person here?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2021): Hi
I think you need a little extra help, is your therapy talking or psychotherapy? they are different, sometimes certain types of psychotherapy help people express what can not be put into words.
You sound 'Stuck' and delving way too deep dredging up things that are not even in your conscious mind. What trauma has taken you to therapy in the first place? Are you sure your therapist is not stretching the sessions unnecessarily.
I think you may have 'other mental health issues' that need addressing by fully qualified mental health professionals and you are confused with ' your states of reality'.
I am not saying these memories never occurred however something complex is troubling your life that needs addressing separately maybe.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2021): Why would you consider yourself a bad-person for mischief done when you were a child around 12 years-old? Were any kind of legal charges brought against you or someone else?
There must be some suppressed memory your therapist is looking for. Otherwise, must you spend every waking moment of your day trying to remember everything you did as a child? As far as I know, nobody I've ever known has been able to do that.
Memories fade in accuracy and detail in a matter of hours. How on earth are you supposed to recall the details of playing in the basement when you were only a child? Is there some significance to it? Dreams and actual events sometimes blur together.
How can you tell the difference between a bad-dream related to some particular event, and something that really happened decades ago? Maybe that's why it's so hard to remember. We all have selective-memory as a coping-mechanism; and we can't always recall every last detail. People who are habitual or pathological-liars tend to have extreme difficulty recalling things accurately. We also subconsciously eliminate or bury details we find too painful to recall; and we may never precisely recall the actual event as it occurred. Certainly not that many years ago! Each kid will form their own recollection of their childhood experiences, and how things happened to them.
Find another therapist when you have the medical insurance coverage; and have all your medical records transferred to be reviewed and evaluated. What's the goal of your therapy and why are you putting yourself through this?
You don't explain specifically if you were molested as a child, if you recall some specifically traumatic experience that caused you extreme PTSD.
The most unhappy people I've ever known in my life are people who dwell on the past. You can't turnback time. You are not accountable for things you've done years ago when you were only a child, and had limited judgement. Your mind wasn't developed enough to make sound decisions; or to fully comprehend complicated situations beyond the scope of a kid's level of understanding. That might explain why you can't remember everything. You've blocked most of it out.
How's your life in the present? Do you ever spend anytime planning for the future? You're holding onto something, and maybe your therapist is trying to help you to finally deal with it and let it go. I suspect you sat on this for years and then decided to see a therapist, when all the memories are probably fading. Maybe you didn't tell the truth; and can no longer remember what was true, and what you made up. Maybe you need a therapist who can help you to cope with functioning in daily life, and learn how to forget the past. You can't do anything about the past; unless you're trying to have someone prosecuted for molestation or sexual-abuse. Is there some point to this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2021): I would say your worst fear is that you've been sexually abused in some way and that the smells that make you feel nauseous are linked to that and/or to a sense of claustrophobia.You have to remember that as a child you have very little control over your life. Children were taught to do what adults demanded with consequences that would be unacceptable today if you disobeyed.You can hardly blame yourself for anything you did or witnessed as a child as you were under the age of responsibility.You may have been a precocious child.Many people assume that small children are doing things to get sexual pleasure but in fact most children are oblivious to the sexual component of life unless they have been introduced to it.Your friend may have a better memory than you or he may just be having a laugh as he knows that you have admitted that you don't have a strong memory.I should imagine there is quite a strong sense of confusion in you now that you are unsure if you participated in a secret game with other kids.It might be best to just redefine yourself as you are now.And let the past rest until there is a time you wish to revisit.Meanwhile avoid those smells that disagree with you.If anyone says anything to you just shrug and say that you have long forgotten those childish days.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 June 2021):
 Lance might have laughed but, personally, (even if it's hurtful or scary) I would simply ask him straight up what happened in the basement? It's OK to say all I have are these vague scary memories.
I think you will have a bigger chance of hearing what HE can remember - even though HIS memories might be "wrong" or "skewed" to "funny" versus SCARY.
Could you have been "mean" or "bad" as a kid? Sure, why not? Could you simply just have joined in (maybe a little sheep) Kids can be cruel, even in "jest" without considering that it's mean.
Why were you at a lady's house in Kindergarten -3rd grade? Was this a sitter after school?
As for assigning blame, what is the purpose?
I am sure I have don't some "mean" things as a kid. Some which I don't remember and some, that I do. I do remember hitting another kid (big bully) with a metal kid's spade and splitting his eyebrow open. He had to get stitches. Because? He pulled my braid one too many times. Does that mean I was/is a horrible person? I hope not.
I'm not really sure your memories are totally accurate since you have a lot of "plot holes" so why not ask Lance since HE might fill in some of those holes?
Do I think a therapist has "given" you false memories? No. I think she was trying to get YOU to let go of the past because you CAN NOT change the past. You got to let it go, live in the here and now.
What is wrong with you? I can't diagnose you or make a good guess.
I can say that there are sometimes things we absolutely remember wrongly later on. Because humans NATURALLY want to fill in the various "plot holes" we encounter.
Do you think if you hear Lance's version of events that you somehow can't be a good person today? Or that it's harder to repress the past?
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