A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years, and we recently moved in together.He is usually extremely sweet and caring. But sometime he has bouts of anger that make me extremely uncomfortable. I can honestly say he'd never hit me, but he is sometimes forceful and scary.The first time was when I was snooping and found out he was still talking to his ex. This was probably six or seven months in. I know I was in the wrong for snooping. When I told him I had found something and that he should confess he got really angry and pinned me to the bed and just started shouting at me asking what I found. I was angry and wouldn't tell him and told him to get off but he wouldnt, he was on top of me and held me by my wrists and kept yelling. He's always been possessive but he is aware of the fact and tries to encourage me to enjoy a social life. I don't want to blame the fact that I've lost my social life because of him because I've had my own stuff going on. But the friends I did have he didn't like and every time I went out he was worried I'd cheat on him. And when I tried to invite him places he would sulk in the corner, or when I had parties at my house he would get really jealous.Other times he would just get really angry and once he punched a hole in my bathroom door because he thought I was flirting with other guys at a party. Ever time were out I have to make sure I don't talk to any other guys even though he says it's okay for me to. Whenever we get into fight he kind of starts shaking with rage and bearing his teeth, I don't know how to explain it. I'm not scared of him but it makes me uncomfortable. We moved in together and he hates my cat. I know that's weird to say but it really makes me uncomfortable how angry he gets with her just for meowing he starts cussing and throws her.I'm making him sound worse than he is. He is actually extremely sweet and has been so patient with me during my own issues. It's just I've always had this weird feeling in the back of my mind, and yesterday we got into a fight. It was honestly about nothing and neither of us were right or wrong, just one of the fights that comes from living together. But he starting screaming that way and bearing his teeth so I got up to leave not wanting to deal with him acting that way. And he ran in front of the door and ggrabbed wrist really hard and wouldn't let me go through and every time I tried he pushed me away. I told him to get his hands off of me and kept trying to get through the door but he kept pushing me or grabbing my wrist and pulling me sideways. I was honestly in shock and went to my room. But what made me the angriest is that I came in later and tried to talk to him about it and he somehow kept putting it back on me about the fight we were having before and about everything I do wrong. He admitted what he did was wrong but in an offhand way. And he said that he knew it was wrong as soon as he did it but kept pushing me to make it "less of a big deal." I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to leave him but I know he would never truly hurt me and I know I'm not perfect either, he's really been there for me through some tough times. I also don't really have anyone else and we just moved in together in a city away from home. I'm not afraid of him I just hate having to deal with his anger all the time and when I tell him he should go to therapy he gets defensive and says I'm being rude.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2014): http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
This link was posted in another question recently. You may find that latter part of it helpful when planning your exit strategy.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 July 2014):
OP listen to me.... VERY carefully... PLEASE.
You need to leave. I live a life like yours... You won't leave... you don't make him sound worse than he is you actually are trying to make an abusive man sound better than he is.
If you want to live with an abuser you need a safety plan. Was he ever abusive before you moved in? Would you have moved in if he had been? Don’t you think that he held his temper in check till you moved in and felt like you made too much of a commitment to just leave?
Have you asked his family if he’s been like this with others? Are either of his parents like this?
What's your safety plan? Do you know what will cause him to get angry? Unfortunately for you, the answer is no. It’s not alcohol or drug induced.. No what makes this man abusively angry is RANDOM and you have no control over this.
You say he is usually sweet and caring. Ted Bundy was a massive serial killer of young pretty women.. he was handsome and charming and he worked on a suicide hotline. He still killed over 30 women maybe more. But he was a nice guy.
You say “he’d never hit me”. Well until the first time he grabbed you and restrained you, I doubt you would have said he was scary or abusive. What you need to say is “he hasn’t hit me YET”
“He wants me to have friends” yes but only the friends HE chooses and/or HE approves of. Very controlling behavior.
He punched a hole in a door because he didn’t punch YOU… but what’s to prevent YOU from being the next door, once he gets angry and he blames YOU for something he’s feeling?
Do you really think that making sure you don’t talk to other guys is the way to live? Why do you think this is acceptable? ( It’s not)
You say you are not scared of him… but I think you are. I know when my husband is drunk and angry out of control I’m TERRIFIED of him. RAGE is one of those emotions that is not very controllable… you are RIGHT to be afraid. You are wrong to make light of it and try to call it discomfort. It’s FEAR and you know it.
This week he yells and grabs and retrains you
Next month he grabs you and throws you into a wall
Next year his fist goes through your jaw……
Tolerating his behavior now gives him full reason to believe you will continue to tolerate it as it escalates.
You had a “fight about nothing” and yet he was screaming and scaring you.
YOU TRIED TO LEAVE which is the wise thing to do and HE STOPPED YOU…. And he hurt you… do you have marks on your wrist from this?
When it’s all over and he’s calm he does not take responsibility for it.
He’s making it YOUR fault… “you pisssed me off”
IF you are not afraid of him yet (and keep telling yourself you are not you might convince someone of this) you will be.
Did you tell your daddy he did this? Why not? If it’s not so bad why can’t you tell your family?
I’ll tell you why OP… because you know in your heart IT IS THAT BAD!
IF you tell him he should go to therapy and work on this and he gets defensive and rude, how do you expect this to be fixed?
What consequences does your BF have for his bad behavior? Seems like none….
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): It's only going to escalate. Once he realizes that he can pull you around and pin you down, without you taking any action, he definitely is going to start hitting you. Get out while you can!
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (12 July 2014):
 Do you have any family members you can speak to at all? Anyone you can reach out to? I did find this site for you with great tips-
http://www.livestrong.com/article/179800-how-to-get-out-of-an-abusive-relationship-with-no-money/#page=1
Contact the national domestic violence abuse hotline. They can help you find a battered women's shelter in your area. This is another great site with ideas to help you-
http://leavingabuse.com/domestic_abuse/poa.html
Please check these out. You CAN get out.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (12 July 2014):
OP, let me ask you a very simple question: if this wasn't happening to you, but your best friend, would you advise her to stay with him? Be really honest with yourself. If the answer is no, leave him. It really is that simple. Not easy, but simple.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 July 2014):
 Go to http://www.thehotline.org/help/ and either call or do the online chat link to the counselor.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (12 July 2014):
 " I'm making him sound worse than he is. He is actually extremely sweet "
Op you are not making him sound worse than he is, you are making excuses, concentrating on the positives and kidding yourself that this guy is all sweet and nice when, in fact he is emotionally abusive, physically aggressive and very, very manipulative.
Almost every post I have read on here from women being physically/emotionally abused (or both) includes a line saying "But im making him sound far worse than he is" or "The rest of the time he is so perfect" or "Its not him, but his upbringing/meds/im so happy with him otherwise"...!
Let me quote a few things you have said:
- "he is sometimes forceful and scary" (but the rest of the time hes not so that makes him okay?)
- "he got really angry and pinned me to the bed and just started shouting at me asking what I found" (but isn't physically abusive?)
- "told him to get off but he wouldnt, he was on top of me and held me by my wrists and kept yelling" (Erm and that is still not physical abuse?!)
- "He's always been possessive" (abusive men usually are)
- "he would sulk in the corner"
Hardly mature! he sulks because he is a control freak and when control is lost he sulks. behind closed doors he doesn't sulk, he bears his teeth and shouts. Classic abusive male!
- "Whenever we get into fight he kind of starts shaking with rage and bearing his teeth, I don't know how to explain it. I'm not scared of him but it makes me uncomfortable"
Shaking with rage and bearing his teeth yet you are not scared? WTF! You bloody should be!
- "it really makes me uncomfortable how angry he gets with her just for meowing he starts cussing and throws her"
I recently read an article that stated than many abusive partners start by taking aggression out on pets/animals, beside why would you want a partner who treats you cat like that? Good job its not a child eh?
- "he ran in front of the door and ggrabbed wrist really hard and wouldn't let me go through and every time I tried he pushed me away. I told him to get his hands off of me and kept trying to get through the door but he kept pushing me or grabbing my wrist and pulling me sideways"
For goodness sake OP THAT is physical abuse and it must of hurt....but then you say "He is actually extremely sweet and has been so patient".....!?!?!?!?!?!?
- "he's really been there for me through some tough times. I also don't really have anyone else "
So? He may have solved your problems, been there for you, been understanding, patient and loving BUT if the following day he goes beserk and grabs you then the nice bits count for nothing. Dont cherry pick the good bits OP, stop making excuses and see this for what it really is.
You seem to naively think that because he hasn't HIT you that he isn't physical abusing you yet he is. You also think that because, say, 90% of the time he is sweet that patient that that makes up for it -it doesn't! Most abusive partners can me very calm, cool and lovely most of the time only to go into an absolute rage as and when. These actions are certainly NOT all part of the ups and downs of a relationship. The fact you are not perfect is irrelevant. You dont deserve THAT shit that's for sure.
Mark
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 July 2014):
 Your boyfriend IS physically abusing you already. What do you think he did when he pinned you down on the bed? He held you against your will, using his strenght. Same with grabbing your wrist. He is putting his hands on you, and he is demonstrating how he is stronger than you, and uses it against you. Hitting you is only the next step, hes already throwing your cat around.Dear you, you should be afraid of this man. He is dangerous, manipulative and abusive. Abusers can play nice and act sweet too... But they are still abusive. Blaming you for his anger and abuse is just more proof of him not being a good guy, but a manipulative and dangerous man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2014): You are afraid of your boyfriend, and you're isolated from your family and friends.
He methodically saw to that, because that's how abusive/ possessive boyfriends gain control. You're too far from your support-system to get immediate help. He smothers you with sweetness, to make you feel it's all just because you pissed him off, and it's always your fault.
My dear, you are a classic-case of the "abused-girlfriend." Just because he hasn't hit you, doesn't mean he never will; and he rages at you!!!
No man should use his strength against a woman or child; or even another man, in a violent fit. He comes far too close to losing it, and that's what frightens you. He gnashes his teeth to frighten and intimidate you. That's a sign of true aggression!!! It is also his way of holding back just enough not to hit you!
I suggest you contact your family. Pack your things, and move back home; until you can get a job and get your life back in order. Sneak away when he's at work.
You will also need to go to counseling; because you will continue to tell yourself how sweet he is and how he isn't usually like that. That's rationalizing. You're in denial.
I've had to drag myself out of bed in the middle of the night to save lady-friend's in your situation. I've come close to getting my face bashed in; because they didn't listen to me, but I was too persistent to let them stay. Nor would I go over there without a bat in the trunk of my car. I called the cops on my way there. My number was on speed-dial for emergency, if they ever felt too threatened.
I've done this a couple of times for women I care very much for. Yes, those "sweet" guys wouldn't melt butter in their mouths; until they went into an angry rage. As someone who has stood up for women in your place, I am begging you to leave that situation.
Please!!! I've lost sleep in worry, and I've gotten angry enough myself to do harm to men like your boyfriend.
I'm not there to help you, but I'm here to advise you.
Call your family, and make arrangements to come home.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2014): Everyone is telling me to get out but how? I just signed a year long lease and am barely making bills as it is. I do have my own room but I can't think of how to leave at this point
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (11 July 2014):
Women in abusive relationships never picture it getting as bad as it does until it's there. And then it's too late.
He has every sign of an abuser. Aside from physically putting his hands on you roughly which is obviously abuse, he is possessive, mean to animals, jealous, angers easily, switches blame, he has isolated you from your family and friends in a new town. Regardless of whether you see that as intentional, he has already started the traps. You are isolated and depend on him. That's what an abuser needs. Friends and family around gives you a possible out, which terrifies him. Someone could tell you what he's doing is wrong or help you to leave him, and beyond anything else he does feel that he needs you in his life. It may sound romantic, but it is unhealthy and scary. You are his property. At his core he is an extremely insecure man, it fuels his need.
It will only get worse. I won't be as dramatic as saying you will be shot, but I can promise you he will hit you at the very least. And the possessiveness will get worse. Your life will be controlled by this man. Don't let the few sweet times fool you, no one is an asshole at all times, don't think an abuser means he is constantly hitting you daily.
A man should NEVER put his hands on you that way. This is NOT normal and NOT okay by any means. It cannot be ignored or played down. You caught him in a lie and he attacked you. He didn't hit you, yet he did hold you down on the bed by your wrists. That is not normal behavior of a man who has been caught in a lie... He lied to you about talking to an ex! Can you see the hypocrisy in his actions? He can talk to an ex, you cannot talk to some of your girl friends because he gets jealous. Rather than blame him you are already placing some blame on yourself for losing your friends. Please type in abusive partner signs on Google, your boyfriend's behavior and personality will be listed in black and white on multiple sites. These are red flags for a reason...
My mother is in an abusive relationship. She has been with my father since she was 13. I've seen a lot growing up and heard a lot of beatings through walls. I was close to my mom and she told me how he was when they dated in their teens. Sweet and romantic, but very possessive. Never wanted her to see friends. She thought it was nice because he loved her so much and wanted her to himself. He did punch walls and had an anger problem but never hit her while dating. She told me all of these warning signs so I wouldn't make the same mistakes.
Now she's still with him. Of course she is, she's been beaten down for so long he's all she knows. She isn't allowed to have friends and was cut off from family long ago. She's not allowed to speak to one of my sisters, her own daughter, because of a falling out between my father and her. Her entire life is controlled. She lives in fear of his outbursts (not always hitting, sometimes just pure rage with yelling) and things as simple as dinner not cooked correctly can set him on a tirade. It's the saddest life I have ever seen.
I'm sure you think that will never happen to you. That your boyfriend isn't that bad or couldn't be. You are getting multiple warnings for a reason. We all know where this ends. And we know what a good man and good relationship doesn't do. Please do yourself a favor and get more research and listen. It will not ever get better. And once you are married and have kids it gets exponentially worse, for you and your children. Get out while you still can.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (11 July 2014):
 Do not ever assume he won't hurt you. My ex husband started out like your boyfriend. At first he hit walls, doors and yelled. I never thought he would hurt me. I was so wrong. First it was just a little slap, or a pinch. Then it became a slap across the face or twisting an arm. 3 days after I had our baby he hit me so hard on my bottom that it tore stitches..the pain was so much that it brought me to my knees. This went on for 2 years, each episode getting worse...his anger growing more and more. I finally swallowed my pride and told my parents what was going on and got out. I was only 21 years old then but I knew enough to leave before he REALLY hurt me.
Get out as soon as you can. You could very easily be living with a ticking time bomb. I wish you all the best. PLEASE get out before he hurts you!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 July 2014):
 Sorry you do NOt know that he will never hurt you, all you know is... that he HASN'T hurt you SEVERELY yet.
What you don't seem to grasp is that HE doesn't SEE that HIS actions are wrong, HE makes YOU take the full blame. He claims to JUSt be reacting to YOUR behavior.
He doesn't WANT to go into therapy, because he DOESN'T SEE what he is doing is wrong.
The reason he was so patient with you during YOUR issues was because he knew how WEAK you were at that point. And how much he could "earn" in goodwill.
Sorry, I would NOt put up with this. I would find a place to live (even it it is a rented room/room mate situation) and move myself out while he is gone and then END it. I would CUT the communication 100% and maybe even consider finding a counselor for myself.
This has domestic abuse all over it.
Though I doubt you will leave, since you so willingly make up excuses for his behavior.
I wish you good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 July 2014):
You are in an abusive relationship and don't recognize that you are. He is abusive and threatening and has gotten physical with you.
Leave, as soon as you safely can. You may need some help getting free and I recommend you seek guidance from experts at getting free: http://www.thehotline.org You can call them or chat with a counselor online here: http://www.thehotline.org/help/
You are isolated and away from friends and family and need support. Reach out to the counselors at the hotline today.
Please check back in with us when you have done that. Best wishes to you.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (11 July 2014):
Um, you are so wrong. This guy IS going to hit you. Or choke you out, or throw you into a wall, or stab you or shoot you eventually. The sad thing is, you won't believe me until it happens. I used to be young and idealistic like you. I had a few relationships like that. In ALL of them, without exception, the violence became more and more extreme. Run. NOW.
And by the way, what sort of awful things is he doing on the side that you don't know about, with such an extreme reaction?
You need to get away from him. These relationships will destroy your self esteem and your soul, and it takes a long time to get them back. Some women never, ever get them back. Please, please, listen to us. Leave him, now.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 July 2014):
 If you value your life get out ASAP. These stories NEVER end well. Stop trying to rationalize! The fact is this: An abusive person never stops abusing until the abused person is either gone or dead. Any man that hits or hurts a woman is not worth spit!
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