A
female
age
36-40,
*ONFUSEDD
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together going on four years. We have a two year old daughter together. We have broken up 3 times in the last year, because I kicked him out. I just feel fed up with him he is mentally and sometimes physically abusive. I think what scares me the most is being on my own, I don't have the means to make as much money as him and of course I want the best for my daughter, he also threatens to take custody of her so he wont have to pay me child support. I love him and hate him at the same time. I don't know what I should do?
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male
reader, The Fonz  +, writes (16 February 2007):
 I do not feel that there is any love left in this relationship. Mental abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse and the fact that there is a 2 year old witness to all this makes things even worse. You really must leave this man for good. This is having a bad effect on you, but it is something your daughter will grow to remember and maybe see it as normality.
My stepdad was the same with my mum when we were kids and we thought that it was normal. We would come home from school and would expect them to be arguing and fighting.
Report this guy to the police, then the case for custody will be much more unlikely to be decided in his favour.
I must agree with the others when they say he is manipulating you. He is trying to make you accept the blame for his behaviour and that is not acceptable, not under any guise.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2007): I am sorry for your pain, dear. I think you know the right answer to your heart wrenching dilemma and that is..if physical abuse has entered into your relationship, then it is time to break the connection. This man does not know how to love, dear. And I understand..it is very hard to face. You feel stuck and feel paralyzed to do anything, all because you think if you leave, you and your child will suffer from destitution. And on top of that, he is threatening to take her away from you. He is manipulating you, scaring you by using this child as a pawn. That alone should tell you, that he is a very unloving, uncaring man.. Hun, you and your child's emotional safety and a quality future for her, will depend on your strength and courage to leave. Don't allow you needs to remain in this hell, overshadow your maternal instinct to her. Get her out of harm's way. You must be strong and make yourself and your child a top priority. Protect her now Mom or you will be paying a big price years down the road. Eventually, she will want to know why she wasn't protected. Don't allow your child to suffer by letting her be exposed to the abuse of her Mother and likely the abuse of her (the child) , someday. Devise a plan to start leaving today. You need to get control over your life again. You reach for help away you can get it...friends, family and community. Family Abuse crisis lines are helpful and they can steer you in the right direction. The know of many organizations that help Mothers/children leaving abusive relationships. The local church pastor is another resource Start making some calls, dear and start making plans to get out of there so you and your lovely, little girl can have a healthy, peaceful life. You both deserve it. Good luck, please be strong and I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, stacey.m06 +, writes (16 February 2007):
aw you must be going through hell. its such a shame your doing this on your own. your partner is a bully hun and he is trying to manipulate you in every way possible. as for him getting custody of your daughter, he wouldnt stand a chance. i have looked into this for you. unless he had proof that you was in any way a bad mother which you arnt, he wouldnt get any where. and if it got to the stage where you was extremely woried, then all youd have to do is tell the courts how he has treated you. there are lots of women in the same position as you, so you're not alone, you just need to have the self confidence to walk away. if you did this would open up a new world for you and your daughter and it would only get better. it sounds like your partner is insecure and he's just as scared as you to be alone, and thats why hes torturing you this way. hunni there is help out there for you all you have to do is accept it. also if you're woried about not providing an income, you should speak to your local college. most colleges have night classes for parents, and if you are recieving means tested benefits, you shouldnt have to pay, not even for the creche. lots of courses are available. and if you enquire, then thats the first step to regaining your independance. good luck hun and let me know how you get on xx
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A
female
reader, wvgirl +, writes (16 February 2007):
 First thing you should do is find help at a women's abuse shelter. There are social workers there who can guide you through the whole process of getting away from him.
Also, PLEASE know that this is one of the worst situations your daughter can be in. If he beats you, he may eventually turn his rage to her, and it's also been proven that girls who grow up in violent homes are more likely to end up as victims of spousal abuse themselves. Get her out of there!!!
As for him taking her away... most courts in the US will try to keep the children with the mother unless the mother is clearly unfit. Also, if he has reports of domestic abuse against him, the chances of him getting custody is slim to none.
Good luck and God bless. The road ahead will be a long and hard one, but you can do it!
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