A
female
age
41-50,
*haosinmotion73
writes:I received the email below from my boyfriend, who I did not realize was seeing someone else.. we live in separate cities and saw each other at Christmas and we talked about our relationship and he stated he wanted us to do things right... that he loved me more than I realized and he wanted marriage, children etc... well things seemed fine and then he seemed to get distant and then one week I called twice and couldn't get a hold of him, and he never called me back... and then I got an email saying sorry haven't spoken and hope you are okay... I replied I wasn't and what was going on.. and that was when he sent me this email... no phone call, just this email.. "I am so sorry it has come to be this way for now. All I can say for now is that I am torn between you and another. It is not fair to anyone, not even myself. My heart cannot seem to tell me a single concrete direction. I haven’t contacted you because all it brings is hurt for you. I still love you dearly, please believe that. She is staying with me right now so it is hard to talk. Will contact you on Wednesday when I am in Augusta for court.I love you, sincerely.Joe"He never did call me and I have not heard from him since... I am hurt and confused.. could he truly be torn and confused or as my friends have said... he is just trying to have his cake and eat it too. I don't know if he is just trying to keep me hoping in case this doesn't work out... and what does "staying with me right now"... I interpreted that as she is living with him.. and that is why he can’t talk and hasn't called, which would imply he is lying to her as well. I don't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt because he could be confused, but I don't see how he could say all of those things at Christmas and tell me he loves me and then do this, and not even give me the courtesy of a phone call... am I just being a fool by continuing to hope that things could work out for us.
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female
reader, hoptoit  +, writes (18 February 2007):
This man is not sincere and you are right, he's a heartless coward. does he work in the legal field? Be careful as he could string you out for years with his games IF you let him... You can already see right through his silly manipulation, and you're a beautiful person who didn't expect to be exploited for caring about him. He totally set you up. I know how you feel as i've wasted a miserable year being manipulated and waiting for a situation like this to change for the better.. Honesty is essential in these circumstances to protect everyone. That's how you care for and respect someone,.. how do you personally really want to be cared for? what do you really want from that man?... Reach deep into your heart and answer that honestly, then settle for NOTHING LESS.Healing takes time and needs a strategy,.. all the best.
A
female
reader, Jendorset  +, writes (16 February 2007):
Do you know where he lives ? I would go to his place and tell this other woman about how he wanted marriage and children.
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A
female
reader, chaosinmotion73 +, writes (16 February 2007):
chaosinmotion73 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been faithful... and I truly think he is being manipulative as well... and a coward. It is totally heartless to do that to me by way of an email... if he had cared the least he could have done is called... and obviously he is lying to her as he couldn't talk with her there... but I agree with everyone.. I do deserve better and I am praying very hard for God to lead me in a better direction in my life because this path only seems to lead to pain.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2007): heya!!!
well it seems to me that he is trying to have both of you!!
you deserve better than this and there will be someone else for you!!
if i were you i would end it because he is lying to her as well!!
but it is up to you!!
good luck! =)
xOxOx
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A
male
reader, honeyross +, writes (16 February 2007):
 It's difficult to accept that he's confused - he clearly chose to pursue a relationship with this other woman. He had to have, at some point, made a decision about whether to continue with you or not. Usually when someone is truly in love they don't look for other relationships.
His line "I haven't contacted you because all it brings is hurt for you" is clearly manipulative and is probably untrue. When he told you he wanted marriage etc he might also have been manipulating you to be around for him if it suited.
Sadly, I agree with your friends. I'm sure you deserve better than him.
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A
female
reader, Shley919 +, writes (16 February 2007):
I know exactly how ur feeling and although your emotions are whats on stake here, you have to think rationally. Okay, you love this man and you believe he loves you. If he loves you that much, he wouldnt be LIVING with someone else.He obviously cares about you, but not enough to be faithful and thats what you need. If you want to continue to see him while he is loving another woman at the same time and giving you the back burner with emails, then continue. Yet your heart wont be able to take it for long and it will have long lasting effects on you in the future. I suggest you start seeing someone else, as soon as possible because until then, you are never going to be able to come to terms with how this man is treating you and you will never be able to move on. I do believe that it is a very hard decision, but long distance relationships are so hard when not both parties are faithful. I think you all need to talk about what you want to do with your relationship and if seeing other people on the side is right for the both of you, then there you go. But if only he is seeing other girls and your faithful..its not fair and he knows it. Its gonna take some thought but u can make it work and get your heart back on the right track-towards someone worth all your love.
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A
female
reader, AskingCupid +, writes (16 February 2007):
It is never nice to be the bearer of upsetting news but I agree with your friends - that this man wants to have his cake and eat it too. I know (trust me, I have been there) how hard it feels to know that although he has feelings for you, he is telling you what you want to hear so that 1) he doesn't hurt your feelings (leading to guilt, unpleasant conversations etc and 2) you will stay available and waiting for him in case he decides he does want you after all.
You are not a fool - in a sense, this man is controlling you by keeping you confused. People are reluctant to make decisions when they are confused and not sure what the right decision actually is. That is why you are asking for help, because no matter how much you think about it and analyse this email from him, you still can't make sense of it.
Yes, you love this man and the pain of knowing he is with someone else is great - but if you cut ties with him now, it will hurt for a while as you grieve, but then I promise you that the hurt will gradually go away and you will be happy again. Time really does heal, and right now you need to get the clock ticking. If he really wanted to do things right he would NOT be living with another woman. I know it is hard, but think of it like reading a great book - the last few pages are always hard because you wonder if you will ever find another book as good. But you always do. Love isn't supposed to hurt, and relationships are supposed to provide love, warmth and joy.
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A
female
reader, wvgirl +, writes (16 February 2007):
 I've been in the exact same situation before, and I'm sorry you're going through it as well. If he's really torn, he wouldn't completely cut off ties with you while living with her. He's too much of a coward to break up with you. You need to cut your losses now and start looking for someone who deserves you.
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