A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of six months is having troubles letting go the fact that I wasn't a virgin before we started dating. I was totally honest with him when we first started dating that i wasn't a virgin coming out of a year relationship with someone else. My preasent boyfriend was a virgin though and even though we do have sex. He still can't let it go. Having bad dreams about me and my ex. It makes me feel ruined. What do I do too help my boyfriend let it go? and enjoy our sex life and our relationship? Please Help Mee!!
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male
reader, TestPoint +, writes (21 December 2009):
I'll answer this with the benefit of hindsight. The exact same situation applied to me; her previous relationship stung like nothing else. Twenty years and a child later, the same feelings are still there: and they caused a lot of things to go wrong. You don't want to go down the same path we did. Since your boyfriend is so open with you, I think he really cares about you. If you think he is the one that you're going to stick with then YOU and he have a problem. a) Letting go of him is an option. Maybe he be thicker skinned and less vulnerable.b) Don't even think of giving him an ultimatum of sucking it up or leaving. What kind of relationship is based on "sucking it up"? And just how long do you think he could stay sane like that? (By the way, this is what I did. For twelve years I kept it to myself ... this ended very badly)c) What we didn't do, and what I think you should do is this. All evidence of your previous boyfriend must go. Never mention him again. Burn anything he gave you, especially photographs. Tell your parents never to mention him as well. Going for lunch with your ex is a bad idea. Going to your ex's apartment and taking your current boyfriend along is a *really* bad idea. Take this lightly and one day, years from now, you may find that your relationship has long been a wreck. Instead of a loving close relationship, you'll depend on antidepressants and a marriage counselor to hold you two together.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): hey every one i have been dealing with the same problem for 8 months. but its not just my boyfriend but my bestfriend of 8 years and i just came out of a 4 year relationship and have 2 kids. he says the kids are a constant reminder and then he was kinda religious and i new that before i took his viginity now he feels like hewas better off being a virgin. so what to do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): I'm dealing with the same issue except I'm the man and my current girlfriend has had other relationships. The reason he is having trouble is because he loves you. He has to deal with it on his own though. You just have to support him and tell/show how much you love him.The reason it is a problem is because as the two of you become closer and closer everything in your past becomes 'mystically' a part of his past/present/future too. He has to live through what you've experienced, and he has to go/grow through the actions of your past. In the end he should conclude forgiveness. It would help to be touched by God. (The same God who forgave Peter even after he denied Him thrice). But as members of the human race we all have the capacity to forgive. No matter what religion.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (4 June 2008):
 Some men just can't let go off that fact.
You will have to carry that burden all your life unless they
get brainwashed or until a time when they don't think it as
that important anymore somewhere down the road,
which may take ages.
There is little you can do about his perspective except to live with it.
If he truly love you completely, he would be able to overcome this handicap.
You can pray for him and let God touched him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008):
I wish I was female, so my gender's irrational desires in choosing a mate would be at least tolerated as normal & understandable.
When you're male, you get called immature & insecure for even admitting that you're struggling with your natural feelings at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): I took no offense at anything you said to me DiovanLestat. We just simply disagree on what to do and the solution. Whatever the OP decides to do, I hope that she can have a happy and fullfilling relationship. I believe that could happen either way. Unfortunately, sometimes one does not know if they made the wrong decision for many months or years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): Thanks for your understanding, and of course their are different opinions on this whole subject. Sorry for any offence caused to you or anyone who handles the situation differently from me. Good luck to both you and your wife, take care.
Sorry poster, but as you can see the whole thing raises a lot of heated emotion, and I can now understand some of what you and your partner may be feeling. Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): DiovanLestat, you have every right to feel the way you do, as does Collaroy. Different people have different ways of dealing with problems and that is perfectly fine. Some of us have solved our problems one way and are happy with our solutions. Sure, we wish that there had never been a problem or that we could have done even better at solving it. What I do not believe that we have the right to do is continually and repeatedly insult people who have a particular problem. You disagree with my solution and feelings and I have no problem with that. You have one way of dealing with a man who has those feelings and my wife had another. Perhaps yours and her past experiences with men were different and that is why you feel as you do and she feels as she did and does. Neither is absolutely correct. We both wish that my feelings had been completely different and that we would have never had to deal with this problem. She also wishes that she had not done some of the things that she did. We also both believe that what a person is taught in their youth is what most strongly molds their feelings to this and many subjects about behavior and life. You have expressed your feelings in a non-insulting way in this post. That is perfectly fine. I have no need for you to agree with me. What I do think is that one does not have the right to continually insult those who they do not agree with.
I can only wish the original poster the best of luck. I must say that this might be difficult for you at times. It has been for both my wife and I. As I said before, we are both happy that we put as much effort into both of our feelings as we have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): The problem is troubledtomuch, I totally agree with Collaroy, however I am not as able to be so rude to say what's on my mind.
Both he and me have seen many posts with women totally destroyed because immature men hold their past against them. I hate seeing men demanding access and knowledge to a woman's past, then calling her "a slut, or a whore" because she had the bad luck to have her past held against her. The worse is the immature boy, who has been to scared or indoctrinated to loose his virginity, then wants to push away the first decent woman to take intrest in him because she had enough sense to go out and have a rich interesting past.
No man has the right to ask, let alone judge me for my past. I'd slap him and kick him out the door if he even looked at me funny. I want a man, who is secure in his own attractiveness and has high esteem. I don't want a little insecure boy, who cries because he dosen't get to break the toy first. I like Collaroy because he treated his woman right, I just wish more men out there could be like him.
Sorry to offend, but I felt you asked, and thus I gave you my true opinion on the whole thing.
Poster please ignore this advice, because this is what works for me. In your situation you love this man and are willing to work and make him feel secure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): My wife has just read this question and she agrees with what I have said. She knows how difficult it was for me and how hard I worked to overcome these feelings. She has also read many of Collaroy’s past responses on this subject and also agrees with me on his attitude toward others who have been less successful.
If Collaroy has accomplished what oldfool has said then I commend him for overcoming this problem. However, that does not give him the right to insult those who have not been as successful. I have overcome it much better than many who post the same problem here and I just want to help them and feel sorry that they cannot be as successful as some of us. I don’t insult those who have failed. My wife and I have worked very hard on these feelings and both feel that the effort was well worth it. If one were to read my 2 articles on this subject, they will see that I have come to understand the many advantages of my wife’s experience. I may have still had trouble accepting it, but I do really believe what I have written in those articles. That experience with men who were much less of a caring partner as I was and have been is what has made her never want to be with anyone else, even during the few times that we have had some relationship problems not related to this subject. We both believe that the somewhat insecure people are sometimes the most caring, probably because they have a need to show that they can be a good and loving partner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): To DiovanLestat, I have read many of these questions on this subject and have tried my best to help both the man and woman involved in their problem every time. I know how difficult it is to overcome these feelings and to move on to a successful relationship. Collaory has, on a very minimum of a dozen occasions, just called the individual involved with the problem as a pathatic person. Actually, this might be the first time that he has not used the term pathetic. I, for one, have finally gotten sick of his instulting answers on this subject and this is the first time that I have responsed to his continued insults. I believe that I have just as much of a right to defend these men (and very occasionally women) and myself as he has to continually insult us.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (3 June 2008):
 Good advice from the aunts, but surely Old Fool, 13-14 orgasms per session is a typo. WOW
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (3 June 2008):
 Sorry, that should have read: "For your boyfriend, the most important thing is to overcome these powerful negative feelings by first realising that he is not wrong for having them, then accepting them and going on overcome them."
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male
reader, oldfool +, writes (3 June 2008):
I don't really want to comment on other people's advice but I'm going to this time.
Collaroy's advice may sound scornful, but if you follow Collaroy's posts you'll find that he's got something really unique to offer. Unlike your boyfriend, and unlike many other men, Collaroy has taken his wife's colourful past (from what he says, she's had much more sexual experience than he has) and made it into a source of strength and joy, not a source of jealousy. I think it takes a special kind of guy to do that. The positive signal that Collaroy's sending is that it's possible to accept -- no, EMBRACE -- a partner's sexual past in a good way. Collaroy actually regards his wife's past as a fantastic gift to him because it's made her into such an incredible lover in the present. It's funny how exactly the same thing can be regarded in such totally different ways. So much depends on your mental outlook.
Unfortunately, your boyfriend has a weakness that is shared by many other men. It's not that easy to get over these things, especially when you're young, emotions are surging, and these things hold such powerful meaning. For your boyfriend, the most important thing, as I mentioned before, is to overcome these powerful negative feelings by first realising that you are not wrong for having them, then accepting them and going on overcome them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): Great post Troubledtoomuch, Except for the last bit.
"that one self-righteous individual who continues to spew their same unhelpful garbage about how pathetic others are. These types of individuals are really the most pathatic."
You know how the saying goes, "take the thorn out of your own eyes before you look for the thorns in others"
Take care and good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): I really liked what oldfool wrote. He, and the others who said this, are so right about making him feel like he is something special. Don't lie, as lies seldom work out well. What oldfool said is what my wife and I wish she had done early in our relationship. She did tell me that I was the best overall lover that she had ever had, but she said little to me except that. It was not until we talked at length late in our marriage that I really understood her feelings and experiences after her divorce. Good, honest, open and non-judgemental discussion really is very important. I know that a lot of people disagree with this, but details really can help in some cases. However, they can also be bad to discuss in others, especially if the things that the person did before the current relationship were unconventional. Another woman who I dated after my divorce said the things that did make me feel special and that actually helped me in my feelings about myself and my other girlfriend who I later married. You can help him to feel secure if you think that the relationship is worth the effort, but it will take a lot of effort from him also. It took a lot effort on my part to help me get past my feelings for my girlfriend who I later married and have been with for a total of 29 years now. The vast majority of that time has been very good and happy times for us.
Based on my experience, I think that you have gotten some really good advice here from many aunts. Of course, there will always be that one self-righteous individual who continues to spew their same unhelpful garbage about how pathetic others are. These types of individuals are really the most pathatic.
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female
reader, mimisoph3 +, writes (3 June 2008):
 hi,um i love that your the only honest one but i think that he is jealous,i think that things are running in his mind his wondering who it is,and if u actually liked it.u have to tell him the whole truth tell him that it was a disaster make him feel special
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male
reader, oldfool +, writes (3 June 2008):
Jealousy over past relationships is something that afflicts guys and is very hard to overcome. I have experience of this. In fact, I have very contrasting experiences that might be a useful reference point.
My first girlfriend wasn't a virgin; I was. I was extremely upset and it stayed with me for years. Not because I obsessed about it for years, but it destroyed the romantic start to our relationship. I literally came out of a feeling of magic into a feeling of resentment. (I should point out that when I started going with her, she was still in a relationship with her former boyfriend and it took her a couple of months to break up with him. This was one big contributing factor to the resentment). Later this led to separations, infidelities, jealousy, anger, unforgiveness, etc. After many years, we eventually broke up completely. I was tired out by a relationship of hurt and jealousy in which she failed make me feel that our lovemaking was that much more special than the others. I now realise that her lovemaking with her first boyfriend was only reasonably good, but she failed to let me know this. Even worse, she deliberately held out against making me feel that my lovemaking was anything special compared to her later boyfriends.
Many, many years later I had another relationship with a young woman. She also had one previous boyfriend. Apart from the fact that I had a lot of experience under my belt by then, there was also the fact that her previous boyfriend was a hopeless lover, forcing her to wear stockings for kinky sex, giving virtually no foreplay, etc. He had never even got her wet, let alone give her an orgasm. She had started to wonder whether she might have sexual problems. These proved totally groundless. With me she eventually turned out to be multi-orgasmic, with at least 13-14 orgasms per session. Not surprisingly, I never ever felt jealous about her previous boyfriend.
There are not many relationships where the difference is so stark. Lotus mama808 has the right idea. You've got to make him feel really special. REALLY special.
But he has to make an effort, too. These feelings of his are perfectly natural. He should accept them as being normal and not suppress them or feel ashamed of them. But having accepted them, it's absolutely essential for him to decide to try and overcome them. He can either let them destroy your relationship, or he can change his mental outlook and rise above them. Unfortunately it will be difficult for you to preach to him about this as it will only inflame his resentment. Only other people can tell him about this. But you have to show that you empathise with his feelings and will do anything to help him overcome them. The most important thing is to help him feel special.
Hope this helps.
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male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (3 June 2008):
 Hi,
oh dear, another sad insecure boy who cannot handle the fact that his property has had another tenant.
I'm sorry to say, but I don't hold much hope for you and this boy. His type simply are unable to cope with their partner's having a sexual history. In this day and age it makes them rather sad and tragic figures - but from my perspective they won't get any sympathy from me.
We see these men almost every day on DearCupid and they seem to think they own the woman in their life. It is disgusting frankly.
Now from your perspective you have to weigh up whether it is worth going through a life of accusations from him . He will always be bringing it up, you just have to decide if being put down for being a perfectly normal young lady is worth all the aggravation.
For your sake I hope you don't. You are a young girl with your whole life ahead of you do you really want to spend it with someone who thinks you are a tramp?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): Probably the solution offered by troubledtoomuch will suit your situation better. Communication is always a good thing in a relationship. It's just that my upbringing has taught me to have little patience with this kind of stuff. Anyway, good advice has been offered, a talk and some ego massaging should do quiet nicely and make your boyfriend feel secure.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (3 June 2008):
 I would go for the jugular, dear poster:
A) Sorry. You're a virgin only once. That can't be changed.
B) He knew you were not a virgin.
C) Having slept with someone else doesn't make you a bad person, just like not having slept with anybody does not make him any better.
D) What does he think you can do now?
E) You love him and no one else. If he can take that, all right.
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female
reader, betou  +, writes (3 June 2008):
tell you wht u can't change the fact that u weren't a virgin wheb u came in the relation not being a virgin . Wht am thinking is that his afraid that maybe u might go bck to ur ex-boyfriend because the ex might be more experience sexually.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): In my opinion, refusing to talk to him about it and telling him to either accept it or leave is the worst thing that you could do, unless you would prefer to get rid of him. My wife had 10 partners between her first husband and dating me 3 years later. I was brought up in a family that taught me to not think very well of a woman like that. Believe me, that upbringing is very difficult to overcome. My girlfriend at the time told me to accept it or leave. I wanted her, therefore I did not mention it to her. We eventually got married and my feelings did cause problems over the years, even though our marriage has been good. We have finally talked about my feelings and her feelings after her divorce and it has made a very significant difference for my feelings. We both wish that we had talked more about our feelings many years ago. Most likely we would have had an even better marriage than we have had.
It is your choice. You can either shut him up and he will either leave you or stay with you and think about it until it becomes a real problem with your relationship, or you can talk to him about his feelings now and hopefully solve his problem with your past. Don't allow him to condemn you or judge you and if he does, then tell him that you will talk about it only if he treats you respectfully.
Gook luck.
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female
reader, lildeesbg +, writes (3 June 2008):
 Its simple he has a mixture of feelings, as a guy he cant picture another guy with his girl, especially since you took his virginity, he might feel cheated. I think you did the right thing being open. I think he is taking it abit far, coming from my own experiences it seems as if he is insecure. What i would say is to reassure him that he is great at it. Say things like "wow babe that was wonderful" or try new positions/phone sex..things that you really havent done so you can tell him babe your my first with _____. Remember that there is so much you can do. If he is not being receptive to your words of encouragement thats on him, not you. Dont feel as if you have to cater to his ego! ~dee
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): I don't believe there is anything you can do except to try to get him to concentrate on the relationship that you have with him now.
Personally I think the whole thing is stupid and unfair, but to some men it becomes a real hang up. He has two choices, he can either accept it or leave you. It's his choice. I don't really think that you can do anything either way to help him.
Again personally I take this kind of thing very badly and I would bluntly tell him to accept it or move on. I would refuse to talk about the issue any more, and tell him to "deal with it" when he bothers me with nonsense about how he's hurt and struggling with the fact that I had a life before I met him. But he's your guy and you must treat him with the respect that you currently think he deserves.
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female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (3 June 2008):
 Let him no that your last boyfriend wasnt anything compared to him. Not even a comparison. Talk down on you past experience, and , try new things in bed and tell him "wow, that was the first time I've ever done that". You can't change your past, but you can make him feel like he's the best, and you would know, being experienced! :)
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