A
female
age
36-40,
*iss123
writes:HiI would love some advice on how to deal with my boyfriend who is grieving and has pushed me away. He told me he needs time to deal with the death of his mother who was very ill for sometime didn't die suddenly and says he needs peace and quiet now and needs to help his family now, and won't be contacting me or seeing me for the time being. I am very upset about this I understand its tough on him and he's going through a tough time. Yet I was there for him all along and supportive. I want to be there and not shoved away like I'm not important to him as this is how it makes me feel.I am taking it personally like its me that's problem and that maybe he just doesn't want me at all? Anyone with experience in the same situation? Or how long do you wait? Please help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2021): I have and after nearly eighteen months since my partners mother died I am going through a similar experience. The difference is his mum died very suddenly and he didn't actually grieve at the start, he has in the past few months shut me out and I've gone months without seeing him. As has been said there is no time limit on these things and it's very hard to not take it personally. I didn't see my partner for four months February onwards, he completely blanked me, I became very ill and never got answers.We are back at that point again so I have blocked him and I'm going to try and move on in my life, I cant do the months of silence again.Give your partner time because from speaking to a lot of people it is normal when someone is grieving to retreat and to grieve alone, everyone grieves differently. But if he doesn't reach out in a time you feel is acceptable and only you can decide how long that is then you have to decide on if to move on or not.A lot of people said to me if I was a major part of his life he wouldn't have shut me out for so long, I accepted his reasons when we resumed contact but it's very hard to get past and move forward, especially when it becomes a regular thing.I wish you both all the best
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2021): Until it's a personal-experience, there is no way to explain grief. It's different for anyone going through it.
He's not intentionally pushing you away. His grief is struggling for room to suffer without everyone's well-intended, but useless, attempts at comforting him. Wait until he comes to you to seek your comfort. He doesn't want you to see him in this state. Losing your mother or father is one of the worst experiences you can every go through in your life-time. It seems even harder to lose your mother, somehow. That is, for those of us who loved her.
Check on him, but give him space and privacy. This isn't about you, and it doesn't mean your relationship is in trouble. He's in pain, and men do not like coddling and fussing over us when we are undergoing this kind of grief. Like a wounded beast, we hide to lick our wounds. once we've gotten ahold of our emotions; we emerge from our dens, and we try to face the world again. He doesn't want you to see his weakness and tears, it's a guy-thing. He's struggling to keep-up a strong appearance; but your "mothering" and hovering will keep breaking him down. His mother is dead, and he doesn't want that kind of treatment from anyone else. Speaking strictly from personal-experience.
Don't worry, sweetheart. I assure you, the time will come when he will realize how much he needs you. It's going to be hard just to sit-by; but if he's pulling-away, let-go. Until he reaches-out for you. It might take some time, but don't be selfish; you'll be helping more giving your moral-support for the time-being. Do what you can to console his family members. Make meals for him, and make sure he's not disturbed when he's sleeping.
If you push and whine, and make this about yourself; it will anger him, and he may unintentionally lash-out at you. He won't mean it, but it might hurt your feelings.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84  +, writes (11 August 2021):
Consider the relationship over and move on with your life. Don't wait around for him. He has lost his mother and he's focusing on his grief and family.
Do what he asks.
I bet in the near future that he will get in touch with you wanting to reconnect. In all honesty, I wouldn't give him a second chance. It's times like these that you want your loved ones support. He doesn't consider you a loved one. You are not a priority while he is grieving.
Wish him strenght with this grief and end all contact.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2021): I think its understandable to want to be alone for a bit, a few weeks, after losing his mum. If he has not seen you or spoken to you in over a month since the loss then that might be more concerning but even so, it is a huge loss and grief makes you do weird things. I lost my mum 18 months ago and still grieving. I still get upset and have days I dont want to see anyone. I think it's quite normal.
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A
female
reader, Tinacandida +, writes (10 August 2021):
 Give him as much time as he needs. He seems like he has gone into his shell and needs some time to digest, remember life with mum, re adjust. One of the stages of grief is guilt, could he have done more etc. Just be there for him for the moment even if its just sitting quietly and supporting him. Or if he wants to talk just listen. Its not about you for the moment its about him. If you think a lot of time goes by and hes not feeling any better seek some advice from the doctor, there are grief counsellors out there who can help. There are a few stages to get through.
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A
female
reader, Tinacandida +, writes (10 August 2021):
Give him as much time as he needs. He seems like he has gone into his shell and needs some time to digest, remeber life with mum, re adjust. One of the stages of grief is guilt, could he have done more etc. Just be there for him for the moment even if its just sitting quietly and supporting him. Or if he wants to talk just listen. Its not about you for the moment its about him. If you think a lot of time goes by and hes not feeling any better seek some advice from the doctor, there are grief counsellors out there who can help. There are a few stages to get through.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (10 August 2021):
 This is NOT personal. He has lost his mother. People push loved ones away in these circumstances because, sometimes, they are afraid to lose them and feel that grief again. They feel that, if they push them away, it saves them pain in the future. I say this from experience because that is how I felt when MY mother died. I just wanted to be alone and howl until the pain stopped. I didn't want ANYONE around. I didn't want support. I didn't want help. I just wanted the pain to stop.
You don't say how long you have been in this relationship but you have obviously been around long enough to support your boyfriend when his mother was ill. In your shoes I would let him know you are thinking of him at what is a horrendous time for his whole family. Tell him you don't want to intrude on his grief but, if there is anything you can do to help, to let you know. Then you need to sit back and leave him to find his way through his grief. Only he can do that.
He may choose to reach out to you in the near future, or he may not. There is no right or wrong way for someone to grieve or what support they need to help them through. Be available but don't put your life on hold for too long. If he chooses not to reach out, you need to decide at which point you need to draw a line under your relationship and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2021): In a way you are the problem. He has respectfully asked you to leave him alone and give him peace and instead of being mature and kind you make a deal out of it. Why can't you simply respect what he told you and leave him be for now to grieve? This is not about you it is about him. Stop being so selfish. I guarantee that if you keep making this all about you and being selfish he will realise he is better off without you.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 August 2021):
 This is hard.
It doesn't matter that she didn't die suddenly or anything. She DIED. HE is grieving. This isn't about you. HIS loss. HIS family's loss.
Now I understand that you feel you are now chopped liver and he thinks you have no "value" in helping him grieve. You are his GF, not his wife so... not his family.
People who are grieving are not always rational. Some people grieve for years. I know I did after I lost my mother. The biggest loss of my life.
I think it's unfair of him to TELL you to sit on your hands and wait for him to want to pick up the relationship again. NOT fair. Either you are part of his life (grief or not) OR you are not.
While I absolutely understand his grief - I don't understand that he thinks he can put you on the shelf to wait for him to "get over" the grief - since this can take YEARS to go through.
What it all means if that HE left the ball in your court. Do YOU want to wait? How long do YOU want to wait?
Because that is what it comes down to.
I'm sorry for your BF's loss and I'm sorry you are being sidelined.
I would say this, remember that grief is NOT rational. I would give him a bit of space. Try not to take it personally (even though it feels VERY VERY personal) Decide how long you want to give him to decide if you are important to him or less so.
I think if he didn't want you AT all, he would just have ended it. So there is that.
Chin up and give him some space. Live your life, spend time with friends and family. He will either remember that you are a VITAL part of his life, or you can decide that YOU do not want to sit on a shelf and WAIT to live.
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