| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend will be going away for a month soon. I can't go. I am worried he will cheat on me. I fear I will not be able to cope with the constant anxiety and stress about what he is doing. Can anyone provide tips on how to stay SANE? An entire month of non stop anxiety will be too much emotional strain. I already know I will become unravelled. I don't trust him. I was thinking that maybe I should end this relationship before he leaves to save me from the pain that will inevitably result from this trip. I'd like some thoughts from the aunts and uncles here. I'm trying to find solutions!! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2019): No long lecture for this one. If you don't trust him, how can you love him?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2019): I'm interested in your concept of becoming unravelled!It sounds something like a dire threat from someone who doesn't really like you:for example the house keeper in Daphne du Mauriers novel Rebecca'...'If you pick the flowers from that side of the garden you will undoubtedly become unravelled, my dear!'It's a very dated concept.Women don't become unravelled with a bit of independence.Some women kick ass.They get on and do whatever it is that needs to be done.You cannot become unravelled like a knitted jumper and it is unfair on all of womanhood to suggest that one month of independence would unravel them.It's such a victorian concept.A man can only have the hold over you that you allow him to have.I trust you have your own bank account and can dress and feed yourself, so how on earth are you to convince us that you will unravel.Unless he is your regular carer why should it impact your day to day integrity.Watch T.V. if you have nothing else to do.It doesn't have to be a pine fest so woman up.Surely you were braver at one time in your life. You managed this far.Just manage a little further!Believe it or not you can exist as the person you are without his regular checking up on you.There is no need to unravel..
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2019): OP, based on what you wrote here, you should not be with this man! You wrote that you do not trust him! If he is a cheater it is not necessary for him to even leave your home town! Now I don t mean to be mean or cruel, in what I say next, but you definately need professional mental health evaluation, and treatment. To be this scared with such a high level of anxiety about what, may happen, is just not normal! What you wrote, sounds so hopeless and doom like, that I fear that you suffer depressive illness! Your partner may be the root of all your problems, but you do need help to get your mind right, and to regain your self esteem! I pray for your return to good health OP! My best wishes, to you! Xx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2019): It would help to have more information if you’re thinking about breaking things off before he leaves, because that is an extreme option. Either you have extreme trust issues or he is extremely untrustworthy. Which is it? Perhaps a little of both?Why is he leaving for a month? And why don’t you trust him?Bottom line, if you can’t trust someone (whether you’re the one with the trust problem or whether he is the one who is untrustworthy), the relationship won’t work. So if you can’t just trust him, then break it off. Why stress so much over it? Be happy and free.If he’s the one causing the issue because he does things that are untrustworthy then definitely break it off. From experience, I have dated an untrustworthy person, which I didn’t realize until later on, even though in retrospect it was so obvious. The relationship left me feeling paranoid and with trust issues. Years and years later I met someone who made me realize that men can be trusted! I worked on my own trust issues, and now I don’t worry about such issues as I did before because I trust him -both because he is trustworthy but also because I’ve learned to trust. I’m fact, since we spend so much time together, a little time apart is something I look forward to!I hope you can also be with someone who is deserving of your trust and whom you can trust as well.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2019): If you only see yourself through the web this man has woven around you, then, yes you are going to feel decimated.But also you are going to discover that your jailer has gone and left the door open!This means you can go outside and the sun will still shine because, contrary to what you currently believe, he didn't put it there.The world still exists and the sky hasn't fallen down.People still go about their business in a day to day fashion and you are actually a whole person, not one half of a third, if you know what I mean.You are still you.So now is the time to recognise your strengths.And try to redefine yourself as someone who is capable of enjoying life for what it is, without the fairytale.Just try living in normal suburbia, in town or country or wherever you are.I would be most interested to know if you feel capable of being someone who can manage alone!And if you cant, well, you already have a backup plan of being available when he gets back.I really feel sorry for you if you have an addiction to a married man because you seem to enjoy tormenting yourself with his unavailability where most others would use the opportunity to move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 December 2019):
 Is this by any chance the married guy who is goping to visist family with his wife ?...
In this case, it's .. sort of good news. You do not need to worry and be anxious about being cheated on; because you know, you know for a fact that you ARE actually being cheated on , since he is °already° having another relationship with someone who is not you . Less cheated on than his wife, in a sense- still you don't have him all for yourself.
If this is someone else ( …. TBH, I doubt it… ) sorry to sound harsh, OP, but if you are concerned for your mental sanity because of an one month absence… well that mental sanity boat has sailed already or is on the verge of sailing, and you need serious, consistent and prompt professional help.
Otherwise, you'd see immediately and logically how the problem is never which location; it is always which type of relationship and which type of person. There are oh so many men ( and women of course ) who cheat on their spouse or partner, with whom they share every day a home, and a bedroom- and yet they find the way and the chance to cheat on them. When there's a will, there's a way - this applies to infidelity too.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2019): Do you have a reason for not trusting him? Has he cheated before? If so, then I'm afraid you should probably end it because you obviously can't get past that breech (which is perfectly normal)
If you have no reason not to trust him and this is about your own issues then I don't know how to tell you this, but a person doesn't have to go out of town to cheat. They can do it any time. You need to figure out why you're so insecure and work on that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (24 December 2019):
 There is a much bigger picture here than a guy going away for a month. MY question to YOU is: WHY do you not trust him? Has he actually given you cause to not trust him or is this all down to your anxieties and insecurities?
If the former, then yes, you need to dump him, otherwise you will live your life in constant turmoil.
If the latter, you need to get professional help otherwise you will just live in a constant state of anxiety about ANY guy you are with.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 December 2019):
 A month?
I'm thinking of people who are regularly away from home, families and loved ones for a month …. or more. And not always for a ordinarily recognised important reason, like the defence forces for example, but others, people whose jobs are FIFO are often away from home for periods ranging from a month to a year, who have no option to be away for many of the important days like Christmas and birthdays, weddings and other celebrations.
And you don't TRUST this man who is going to be away for a month, you don't trust him to remain faithful to you and your relationship to a degree that you fear you wont remain SANE while he is gone.
If your lack of trust, and your fear he will cheat is so great that you are worried for your mental health then maybe you need to consider if this is the right relationship fit for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 December 2019):
 If you don’t trust him, then you would be better off dumping him before he leaves. Trust is one of the most important things or a relationship is pointless.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 December 2019):
 First of all.... Why are you with him if you don't trust him? If you don't trust him THAT is a good reason to end it (IF he has done things to make you know you can't trust him). I mean WHAT is the point staying with someone who makes you feel THAT unhinged because he isn't near you for 30 days?
TBH, it's ONLY a month. While it might SEEM like a long time to you now, the MORE BUSY you stay the FASTER the time will seem to pass.
As someone who has been away from my spouse MANY times over our 20+ year marriage due to his job (the military) a month is nothing. But I do understand that it can feel like a long time if you aren't used to being apart. However, YOU are in your 40's so you NEED to get a grip. Why is your life seemingly revolving around him and what he could perhaps maybe potentially do while away from you?
YOU need to realize that you have NO control over what HE chooses to do, whether he is near you or not. Which is WHY dating someone you can not trust is POINTLESS.
I think you need to reexamine WHY you are with him in the first place, and why you feel you can't trust him.
Him being gone a month is a lot less important. DO you want to be with this man or not? THAT is the real question. Someone who makes you feel emotionally unbalanced and anxious and stressed, that doesn't sound like he is ADDING positivity to your life. And by staying with him, neither are you.
...............................
|
