A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This may sound trivial to a lot of people who have more serious issues but it’s something that’s really bothering me and I could use some advice and input My husband and have have an ok marriage . I say only ok because the emotionally intimacy isn’t great . He is very much a stoic type man who doesn’t like to be an open book I any way or express himself . I on the other hand find myself craving emotional connection of a partner more and more . However one of the worrying things for me is his desire to live life as a constant adventure ( his words ) he is constantly on trip overseas for various activities , mountain climbing type things , bikes etc . He asks me at times to join him but he knows that due to a neurological conduon it is not something I’d be able to join him in . Even the areas he goes to where the air is thin are likely to exacerbate my condition so I decline . I never stop him . We do something travel together to trips that suit us both but he seems lukewarm on these as they are not ‘exciting ‘ or ‘adventurous’ I feel we are not suited . I am forever alone . If he is not on a trip ( or planning the next one ) he is working to get the money for it . I have other activities but nothing is the same as a primary intimate relationship . It seems to me he would be better suited with some younger adrenaline type girl which I’m sure he’d love much more than me . He seems very interested in that type . He also is very easily impressed by things of youth like film clips youth culture clothing etc where he will just stop with his mouth open and stare like it’s so cool to himI want excitement in my life too but just not in the same way and I’m not so easily impressed by the youth culture . Are we totally not suited . Of course I try talking to him but he just tells me I’m being ridiculous
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2019): Op again and I realised I should clarify the whole listening after much younger women when I also stated I think at times he may be gay . In fact I suspect he is bi sexual and that he wants to try anything and everything just ‘for the thrill’ just like in very other area of his life . The whole issue is he has very few if any boundaries and I’m extremely unclear of what they are . I’ve tried to talk to him about them but I think he is unsure himself .
I thino he just wants to just the adrenaline
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2019): Thanks for adding more information!
So it seems that the reason you married him doesn’t exist anymore.... so I understand why this marriage is just empty and unhappy for you now as opposed to when you first got married. Is there nothing redeeming about him or the marriage?
I did notice two things in your post and answers to aunts/uncles: 1) he seems upset you can’t join him, meaning he DOES want you to be part of his life. It’s just that you physically can’t because of your health and because you don’t enjoy it (I understand the second reason entirely, I’m the one who answered that I also dislike “adventure”); and 2) some of your post shows some insecurity about how he probably would love to be with a younger adrenaline type girl. Unless he explicitly said so, number 2 might be in your head, especially since it seems he wants you to be with him and is upset you can’t join.
My point is...you are unhappy and not feeling connected, but it’s hard to tell if your husband feels the same way about the marriage. If you decide that this is it and you want a divorce (because I think you’re still young and have so much more to live without feeling this way!), then make sure it’s because it’s what YOU want and not because you made up things about what you think your husband wants.
I do also see that he is dismissive if you’ve tried to talk to him, and he just says it’s ridiculous, but that could mean that you just need outside help (couples counseling) if you actually want it to work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2019): I married him because at the time when we were both very young he presented himself as a very stable and trustworthy person, someone very different to the somewhat sleazy adventure seeker he is now . I had previously only had violent relationships and was amaZed to meet a man that wasn’t violent to be honest
Now I find I’m with a man who can’t stop dreaming of women half his age , staring at family members in their 20s and going on constant adventure holidays
I guess I’m starting to question the whole ‘ you made your bed you need to lay in it ‘ stance that many unhappy older women like myself receive when they find out they men they married are not who they were . I’m starting the see that people change from twenty to fifty , me and him and the commitment I made back the. Wasn’t to remain married to a man who lusts after female relatives half his age or a man child
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2019): You’re right, you probably aren’t all that suited to each other —in this one area of life. If he has always been into this type of “fast lane” life, why’d you marry him? This is something you should have noticed and weighed before getting married. I personally am like you and deliberately did not pursue relationships with “adventurers” or people who love the fast lane life for the same reason.
I don’t mean to throw it back on you like it’s your fault though. What I’m asking is: why did you marry him then? There must have been something else you loved, cherished, or you were drawn to? Think about that and focus on what you DO have in common and what you DO love. You’ve already committed to this man, so unless you are absolutely certain this marriage is something that makes both you and he miserable, you may need to change your perspective and focus on the good to try to connect with him emotionally in that way. If it doesn’t work...well take it one step at a time: communicate your concerns with him in a fair and objective way.. then consider divorce if it’s a must.
The other thing is, he has hobbies...which is great! Maybe you should focus on what YOU like and take advantage of when he’s away to do all your things! It’s great to be able to do things on your own and have the opportunity to develop yourself to improve yourself as an individual!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2019): Thankyou for your answer, I should respond and clarify
I wouldn’t couldn’t call my husband macho , he’s actually quite effeminate in his mannerism and uses gay porn . I’ve seriously questioned his interest in women at time’s . I personally find a stronger more macho type sexier but I don’t accosiate adrenaline type sports with macho by any means
I think his nature is more about immaturity than masculinity and that’s a turn off rather than turn on . The reason o don’t think he wants them little miss is at home ‘ is that he harps on relentlessly about all the others at his events who’s partners are there with them often participating and often much younger ( some with twenty plus years younger women which he is clearly impressed by )
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2019): If you want to take a break from your relationship or go for a divorce then it's up to you but I think you are happy being the little missus at home.You're just worried that he is going to throw his hat in and walk out with a woman half your age.But has it occurred to you that he may actually want a woman like you at home.It's not your fault that you can't do the same activities , nor is it his.So you should develop your own interests to the best of your abilities.If you'd settled for a guy who like embroidery and stitching, the chances are that you'd be letching after your current macho guy.Actually a creative guy whose good with his hands can be an asset but chances are he'd already be taken.Why not renew your marriage vows on a romantic trip to Paris or Venice and stick with the person you know so well? Being unhappy can become a hobby for some.Unless you have real concerns I would slow down on the concept of your sham marriage.You couldn't physically be where he goes, so why torment yourself about it when you could just Skype or be proud of him.
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