A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey aunts and unclesI am in a real dilemma, I have been with my man over four years,we have had our ups and downs and he often goes away for a few days and ignored me. A few times we have agreed to split and the last time we did was for a month. In that time I slept with someone I was friends with and had the choice to see how they went but I love my boyfriend and want to make it work with him. We have now got back together again and I am hoping we can both work on things. However I am wracked with guilt about the other man, I see him around when we have gone out and I'm worried somehow that it will get out though he has promised me he will cause us no problems. I know that if I confess he will end it with me for sure, but I know he already suspects I have as I'm not a good liar and he asked me if I had cheated and he didn't believe my reaction when I said no, though of course I didn't cheat as we had almost certainly broken up
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2020): Hi all OP here,
Unfortunately it all came out New Years Eve, he saw the said person in various bars we went in and put two and two together. He is adamant i cheated, that if we go through bad times i will basically open my legs to other men and has said it is over. Great start to the New Year but i guess i have to believe it happened for a reason and not let it ruin the rest of the year :(
Thank you for all your replies
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2019): OP, what you described in your follow up post, is not a man who loves you, he is actually a mentally ill man, who as Wise Owl described, is trying to entrap you, in a breach of his rules. Meanwhile he just disappears at will, and if you are honest with yourself, you have no idea where he goes, or who he may be with! You are a posession, in the sight of this man. I have no idea why you have love, or continue on with this man! The truth of the matter is that your love for him is dying, or you would not have slept with the other man. I recommend that you cut your losses and just end this relationship! This partner is not someone who you can trust to be there for you, in one, five, or ten years, or months either, for that matter! Sorry OP! Xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2019): I have been down a similar road to you, with a man who at the first hint of a disagreement, however minor, would sulk away, stop calling and communicating. In our early days it would only be for a few days, but as the relationship progressed it only got worse and longer. I spent five years of my life with him and loved him very much. We were on and off for those 5 years. One thing never changed. I never felt secure because I could never rely on him being there as a true support for me. He was far too temperamental. I never knew if he would be having an off week where he needed his space and I was left with nothing. The love was very real on both sides and breaking up was absolutely wrenching, especially those first few months. But I finally knew it had to end because I could not live my life like that, with constant fights or abandonments. The kind of man who does this has issues. I am not saying he doesn't love you, because my ex did, but he has issues and you will not fix them, they are deeply ingrained. And yes, these men push the women in their lives away until those women get desperate and turn elsewhere. This is NOT a relationship you should continue and go long term with. Believe me, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2019): Reconciliations usually don't work; and I'm not trying to jinx a reasonable and honest attempt. If you felt a strong urge to have intimacy with somebody else; a part of you has already given-up on your past-relationship. You've always wanted to be with somebody else in the back of your mind. Always had a thing for that friend?
It's usually unwise and impulsive to give-in to rebound-feelings; because they're usually regrettable. You are too full of spite, confusion, and vulnerability; to make a sound decision, or to use your best judgement. People don't change their ways, they just get uncomfortable being alone and apart. So they start a cycle or making-up to breakup again! It's part of the detachment-process; like missing something you've always had, but gave it away. Part of you is sorry you gave it away; while you're tired of it at the same-time!
It is better to put it all behind you, and keep it to yourself. If you're going to be full of guilt, lie, and all creepy about it; confess and let the chips fall where they may! I don't think he trusts you; if the first thing he asked you was whether you cheated. Why would it cross his mind, unless the relationship was always on rocky-ground? The problem is, you're really done; but you two won't just let it go! You're each other's habit. The first thing you did within a month of breaking-up, was go after somebody you had the hots for. A friend? I hope it wasn't one of his!
I'll be bluntly honest. He only wanted to see if he could catch you in a lie; and he probably already suspects you had sex with somebody. It has nothing to do with wanting you back; it's about ego and male-pride. It's to regain ownership and control over your body. He just doesn't like the thought of another man touching his property; even if he really doesn't want it anymore. Like a kid who leaves a toy alone for months; but has a pure fit when another child wants to play with it. Expect the topic of cheating to keep coming-up and a flurry of questions about what you did while apart.
I wish you the best, maybe it might workout; but if he had to ask you about cheating and you're acting guilty. Get ready for the replay of the breakup scene.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (24 December 2019):
If you’ve had more than one break with this guy you should ask yourself, why? Why do you keep breaking up and why do you keep going back.
Sometimes love isn’t enough.
You’re not obligated to tell this guy the truth. But perhaps you should then you may find out what seems pretty clear I.e. this relationship does not have legs.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (24 December 2019):
 OP, take the hint. You keep ending up on breaks for a reason. I’m sorry, but you need to call it quits or you’re just wasting your time. Love doesn’t mean you’re right for each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2019): I don't think you owe it to him to tell him. You have nothing to 'confess'. You were broken up. It's none of his business and him asking you if you cheated is cheeky af. You can't cheat on someone if you're single.
However, you seem to think he'd break up with you (again) if he knew you'd been with someone else. Isn't that a very unfair condition? Do you want to be with someone who makes unreasonable demands that you don't sleep with anyone in case you two ever get back together? How long do you have to be broken up for you to count as single to him?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 December 2019):
 You're old enough to know this isn't a healthy relationship and if this is your basis for love, then I don't think there's anything left to be said.
Do you really see yourself having kids with this man while making up and breaking up more times than you can count? What makes you think it's going to work out now?
The question isn't that you cheated... because you didn't as you were broken up... The question really should be about how to get out of this incompatible mess that you mistake as "love".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2019): Hey, thanks for the replies. I just want to expand a little. We didn't agree to split before the month, he did his usual and sulked for a few days, I messaged and said it can't work because he keeps doing this and suggested we split up and he agreed. We saw each other a week later and had a great weekend together, the love is very much there on both sides. He only asks when we split up if I met someone else, not when we are together. I don't get why he does that, he forces the time apart but is mindful it seems that in that time I could potentially meet someone else.
I actually told him at the end of the weekend we spent together that I had met someone else and he told me if I had slept with someone else it was over as he considers it cheating from the moment we met, he does not see his silences as us not being together. I have denied I have and we have spent more time together and I know for certain it's not about anyone else, not on my side either. I just genuinely feel absolutely rejected as a woman and as a partner when he ignores me when he is unhappy with me and the silence tends to last a few days..
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 December 2019):
Read up on Friends “we were on a break”.
One break is enough. More than one is too many. You keep having breaks for a reason, OP. You’re not meant to be together. I’m sorry that it’s not what you want to hear, but it’s unavoidable, regardless of who you slept with.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 December 2019):
 1. you didn't cheat and 2. if you know he will end it if he finds out, you are already on thin ice.
The reason you two broke up, has that issue been worked through?
If not, that thing will be more likely be the reason you two break up.
You have BARELY gotten back together and he is ASKING if you are cheating? So there is ALREADY issues in the "reunion".
A relationship that is on/off is NOT working. You both know it but are too stubborn to accept that you two are NOT going to work out. You might very well care for your BF, but you are naive if you think taking a small break from dating him will have fixed ANY of the issues you two had, they will STILL be there.
My thing is this, WOULD you want to know if HE had slept with someone while you were broken up?
If the answer is yes, then I think you should be honest, regardless of what he MIGHT do.
If the answer is no, then why tell him?
I just think it's silly to think that you two will work out IF you ALREADY think he would end it if he found out and he is ALREADY accusing you of cheating. How is that a good foundation for a relationship? EVER?
He doesn't TRUST you and you can't be HONEST with him.
You two are wasting each other's time.
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