A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Everyone,I am writing this today because to be completely honest, I feel completely lost. I have been in a relationship for about 7 months. It started pretty slow, I didn't necessarily plan on being in a relationship so fast. We started talking and shortly after he moved in. The first few weeks were great, he made me feel alive again, something I hadn't felt in a while. But shortly after everything changed. Ill say that from the beginning we both had some financial issues. I had been laid off and was barely able to stay afloat. So I at the time I thought if we worked together we would be able to manage the bills easier. I was very wrong. The first month he could not even come up with $200 to pay his portion of the rent. Yes, he did pay for things here and there like gas and food but that was no where compared to the amount I was dishing out every month for electricity, insurance, car note etc. By the second month things were no longer the same. He began lying to me, disappearing for days on end, being abusive and etc. He would also take my car w/o permission while i was sleeping and become unreachable for hours. Then one day he took my car w/o my permission again, and he crashed it. Needless to say I dumped him. I couldn't deal with the disrespect anymore. We stayed broken up for a while, and I was firm that i was not going to tolerate him treating me like that. The other odd thing was the distancing. It seems that intimacy can only be on his time. If i want to hug him or kiss him he pushes me away. Or even laying in the bed together is something I almost feel i have to beg him for. So long story short. I left him. We still continued to be friends but at a distance and things were alot better. We ended up talking things thru and it felt normal, for a short while. I ended up moving to a different area and we began to try working on the relationship again. I had found a job, so my stress level did drop significantly. I can say before that I was pretty irritable and unhappy almost constantly. I was mad that I was doing so much on my own, mad at how he treated me and felt like i was on the verge on loosing everything. I did feel like that may have been part of the problem and now that it wasnt, maybe things wouldn't be so tumultuous between us. So I started all over forgave him for what he did and apologized for myself and moved on. In our new home things did feel good. We got alot closer, started watching movies together, cuddling more, normal things people enjoy doing in a relationship. Life seems much more enjoyable and stress was lower. And even tho he did not work, he did try to make sure the house was clean when I got home. He even started calling jobs and looking for employment but seems like he gave up after a few weeks. I told him if was staying with me he would need to contribute and help more. He agreed. Now 4 months later, he has not helped me anything other than food in the house (foodstamps not money) and gas here and there. Nothing close to even cover what I have on my plate. We are always broke and I’m scrounging every dollar to even have gas to get to work. And i dont expect him to "take care of me" but in the same breathe, when he does get money that could potentially help, he spends it on frivilous things, and is broke the next day asking me for money he never pays back. Recently, I started to feel so angry and resentful bc Ive never been in a relationship where I carried everything basically on my own. And on top of that, doing so much for someone and feeling unappreciated. His moods are everywhere, sometimes he lashes out on me for the simplest most stupidest things or calls me names but acts as if he is joking. If i tell him no I dont want to let him use my car or no i dont want to drive there im tired he gets mad. I feel like i dont even have a voice sometimes. If im depressed bc I do have depression issues, he is completely non understanding and brushes almost every single feeling I have off. Like regardless of what I say its what he wants. I dont enjoy the TV shows i like to watch because he complains that he doesnt like this show. Now its even gotten so bad that he complains when I ask him to move over so i can lay in the bed also. He tells me im so annoying for wanting to lay in my own bed that I have purchased! Yesterday I told him i loved him randomly and he completely brushed me off like he was annoyed that I even said it. Other days, he'll act like hes so grateful to have me and doesn't know what he would do without me. This has got me confused and fed up. I am spiraling in debt because the lack of help, but still trying to take care of everything and everyone. A few months ago I was actually diagnosed w/ mixed anxiety and depressive disorder. He has absolutely no empathy especially when Im having rough days. He almost acts as if my condition is a figment of my imagination or for pity from people. This enrages me. Some days it is so hard to get out of bed its debilitating, and the person I lay next to is insensitive and cold when that is the last thing I need. I got to a point where I was able to function w/o antidepressants or anti-anxiety medication. Now, Im to the point where I feel like I need it again. Its hard to get out of bed, I cant sleep well, and I constantly feel worried. Last night, I watched a movie called acrimony. This movie basically described my life to the point I could cry. I thought so much about how similar what she was going through was what i went through that I almost could not sleep. Today was his birthday, and I understand that its supposed to be his day but to be quite honest, that’s everyday. Everyday revolves around him, doing for him and taking care of him. So I didn't care. I called him just to talk but it was obvious I was bothered. I did try to speak with him and tell him how overwhelmed I was feeling and how i cannot even take care of my daughter. HE HUNG UP IN MY FACE. So i sent him a text and told him i would not be picking him up, dropping him off or doing anything for him anymore. I AM DONE. I would bring him his clothes and that is it. If he really loved me, he would care enough to get off his ass and do something. I work 40 hrs a week and also a second job just to stay afloat. I just lost my second job because I received a ticket for a suspended license (could not afford to pay the insurance) and can no longer work there. And I am beside my self that it seems as if he doesn't even care that my daughter is suffering also. Did I make the right decision? And what further steps do you think I should or need to take?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2019): I'm writing this as an older (51) woman who became a single mum at around your age. I originally married very young, and although I had not married due to pregnancy, I basically got pregnant on honeymoon, had my daughter nine months later, and spent roughly 5 - 7 years trying to make my marriage work. The situation was very, very similar to yours in that my husband did not work - I cannot believe these days that I married him when he was unemployed, but I did because back then I was convinced I loved him. He was very similar to the boyfriend you describe. Unable to take responsibility for himself and grow into being a man and, for that reason, totally conflicted in the relationship with me.
There are a few things worth mentioning that I understand now, which I did not back then.
1. When you become a single mum at a young age, it makes you super-responsible on the one hand and yet emotionally immature on the other. You can be the most fantastic mum, looking out for your child and doing an excellent job on that front BUT it can also mean that you neglect your own emotional development - I mean the development that is just for you alone, where you learn what you enjoy, what you want from life in the long term, what your values are, what your boundaries are and what you want and deserve from a man. In other words, focusing so much on your child's welfare (and I mean at a psychological level, if not always on a practical level) means that you simply can't go through the 'selfish' stages that most young people do in order to learn what they want for themselves from life.
2. Being a single Mum at a young age also can mean that you take on 'man-child' characters such as your boyfriend. Put simply, whoever his parents were have not shown him how to grow up and take responsibility for engaging with the world including the world of work. He has not managed to sort himself out as an adult and is behaving like an underdeveloped child or teenager. YOU, without realising it, are so used to being in "mum mode" that you have probably automatically taken on another child (as well as your own). He is treating you like a substitute mother that he depends upon but also needs to rebel from in order to try to gain independency. In other words, he is working out his issues through you. Most teenagers go through a 'nest bashing' phase where they have to rebel against the family home, and their parents, in order to gain a sense of independence. My daughter did this and it can be heartbreaking but necessary because, without this phase, they won't become independent and responsible. BUT I also took on another "child" by perpetuating my relationship with my husband AND I then took on another "man-child" after we divorced; I spent 17 years in a relationship with a man who really did not want to grow up at all, until it dawned on me that he simply did not want to grow up. That's not to say you can't have a great sex life and have fun at times and feel an incredible bond with the man-child BUT what's being triggered are your motherly instincts and your ability to put your own needs to one side AND your neglect to yourself (see point one above). If this continues, all that will happen is that these aspects of your personality will become totally exploited, over years it will develop into a repeat pattern and you will become depressed, bitter, exhausted, I 100% guarantee it. Then you will have a much harder job of being happy just in yourself, never mind with someone else.
3. It's far too easy for those who have a supportive family (WiseOwlE) to harp on about looking to family for help. Family's are incredibly complex and a single figure within a family eg. a Mother may, on the one hand, offer some practical help but may, on the other hand, be undermining you psychologically. Only you will know but I urge you to sit down and really think about whether members of your family send out mixed messages or act in mixed ways towards you. Do they effectively take back from you (psychologically eg. through inducing guilt) when they do give help? Do they give help freely or do you have to continually ask? Who exactly helps and if members of the family don't help how does this make you feel? And why don't they help? Have you been made to feel undeserving, just in yourself, by your family? A LOT of single mothers become single mothers because of how they were positioned within their original family and often they were positioned as the one who was made to feel "less than" other family members or were punished in some way for daring to think that they could be treated the same as others or that they could have an equal stake in life. From this kind of family background, it can be all too easy to gravitate towards partners who do this 'giving with one hand and taking (far more than they give) with the other. This can be because you simply don't know what it feels like for someone to rate you and care about you so much that they just want to give, without any 'payback' required. IF your Mum really is all for helping you unconditionally, then sit down and talk to her about the situation she is in, and see what her opinion is of what you should do.
4. Single Mum's can be 'fighters'. What I see in you is a young woman determined to try to make her way in life for herself and her daughter and being continually undermined by burdening herself with this 'man-child'. You have enormous strength in you and enormous capacity for tolerance and patience. Do NOT wear out these capacities by wasting them on this person. He will NOT grow up whilst in a relationship with you - that's NOT how it works. People like this almost never really grow up and, if they do, it is often much, much later in life when they finally get put in a position of enforced responsibility that they cannot escape from and simply have to deal with. By the time that happens you honestly will despise both him and yourself. Instead, use your amazing strength and survival instinct to make your own way - you show great capacity for hard work but that is only getting you so far at this point. You are still very young - why not do a bit of research into college courses that can help you to get better qualifications and a better job? You can study many courses part-time and / or online and some courses, such as social work, may even pay for your training. Then there are apprenticeships. Almost all universities do short courses that you get credits for and which, added together, can eventually add up to a degree. Use your entrepreneurial and organisational abilities to think of ways of generating income. If you are paying for this guy to live with you and make your life hellish and ruin your chances, then find ways to reverse that situation. Could you take in a lodger who would actually pay their way and leave you with a bit of profit each month? What are you good at and what do you really enjoy? If you can start to develop work and training skills around these areas then this will help you out of the situation you are now in. It might be anything from offering cheap make-overs to doing part-time cleaning and eventually setting up your own cleaning company - I can tell you for sure that there is a shortage of good cleaners out there !!
Don't give into this baby-man, however much you might sometimes enjoy his company. There really will be better options out there but you MUST focus on developing more self awareness and your own sense of self first. Set goals for yourself, get a life-plan in place, read as much as you can about self-development. I went from being homeless, with no furniture and no money at all, no family or friends after I left my ex-husband. I was around your age and I was so utterly confused. It was far from plain sailing and I did make further mistakes, repeating the same pattern with useless men. BUT I now own several properties, have.a PhD in a field that I love, and a fantastic relationship with my daughter. I can tell you straight up, 100%, had I not wasted my time with my ex-husband and then with my (now) ex-partner, waiting for them to grow up and taking the brunt of their immaturity, I would have achieved even more. Men-children like this will simply bleed you dry psychologically and financially and ruin your chances of getting ahead IF YOU LET THEM. Try to understand more about why you allow this and why you feel underserving of better treatment. Don't waste your life !!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2019): This situation is very much similar to online overseas romances. A vulnerable and lonely woman is lured in with sweet-talk and romance, and told sob-stories; and then these users find a way to get money, or to get a plane ticket to visit. Next thing you know, these scammers are moving-in or marrying these women.
Just like you're free to vent and express yourself, so am I OP. You did say it was an open forum. Therefore, people are free to express their opinions; and sometimes you may not like the advice or their delivery. Good-advice isn't always easy to swallow, and it doesn't always come sugarcoated. I didn't use the word "ranting," I said "venting." If you're uncertain of the definitions, you may look them up!
All the same, people took time from their lives to address the problem that you're having. You're right, we could have ignored you too! I preferred to help.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 December 2019):
 Make sure you keep your case worker (whomever is working on Child support FOR your child) on his/her toes. It can take longer if he is in another state, don't give up on it though, it will happen. Took my niece 2 years, because every time they caught up with her "baby-daddy" he moved state. But it also meant that ONCE he was in the system it was easier to track him down when he got a new job.
He even quit his job and worked (under the table) for family so he didn't have to pay child support. POS! But that is another story.
Definitely time for you to put your mental heath, your child and yourself FIRST, not another adult.
As for the police report or not, I can see that might be a hard one. I would just have reported it stolen and not mentioned who did it. Because with that report you could have filed an insurance claim, IF you had insurance.
This guy is just making your life harder than it has to be so STOP having ANYTHING to do with him. HE is on his own. And, no to be mean, BE MORE picky with your next partner and DO NOT let a guy move in until you have dated him fro a year AT LEAST and you KNOW he is a quality person. Probably the best advice I can give. BE picky.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo all that said I was ranting so what? I am expressing myself and it is my post. If you don't want to read it then don't! Im free to say w.e. I feel this is a forum so that makes no sense.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd just to clarify when I was speaking of fault, I was responding to this nothing else
You even considered the relationship had fallen apart because YOU were irritable because he was relying on you to fund everything. You even apologized. I was reading your post and thinking "Seriously? Get a grip!
Smh
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (27 December 2019):
 Yes OP you made the right decision to get him out of your life. ABSOLUTELY! Don't question yourself. You have already been making it on your own so of course you can continue to do so. He might have been there with you but he was a hindrance, not a help...like a parasite. He didn't give your emotional support, love, help with the bills or probably help with your daughter.
Don't underestimate yourself whatever you do. Block him and just think of him as gone. He was like a weight around your neck. MOVE FORWARD. Things will be tough but I promise you can live and thrive. I was married at 19, divorced at 21 with an 18 month old. Its not easy but I managed to work part time, go to college and my daughter and I did just fine. Eventually I got married again and we had a happy family for many years.
Take care of yourself and your daughter. Do you have family? I agree with Wiseowl that family is soooo important. Mine was a tremendous help to me! They gave me love support and treated my daughter like a princess when mommy couldn't be there. I hope you have someone like that to help you and bolster you in low times. In not..friends?? Don't be afraid to ask for help ok? If people love you..they want to help you and want you to be happy.
Do not for a minute let the father of your child get away without paying child support! Do you have a court order? IF not..get one. Living in a different state is NO EXCUSE for him not to pay. If you have a case worker with child support..bombard them till they do something. My ex lived 2000 miles away after our divorce but he had to pay! When he stopped they forced him to make double payments or threatened to throw him in jail.
Get whatever services you can to help you and your daughter. Dont be proud...ask for help if you need.
You're going to be ok..I promise. Take care of yourself and your precious daughter...never give up on yourself and don't sell yourself short. Expect and want the best for your family when it comes to a partner. Never take less than what you need and deserve.
Good luck sweetie...I wish you all the best. Hang in there
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never said my daughter was around any of this because she was not. Your making assumptions. My daughter was with her grandmother. Like I said before your "advice" Almost seems like your attacking the person bc I've read your other answers to questions and you have the same tone. You should learn to have some empathy when responding and also when you are speaking about someone's parenting or their children bc you don't know the entire situation. I don't need to be criticized. So please if you cannot offer an answer that isn't so harsh, I don't need to hear your opinion. Everyone else made much more sense you are rude. Thanks for your input but I don't need to hear anymore of your point of view.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 December 2019):
 Op, you are an adult. You chose to put yourself and your daughter back in this horrible situation. You said this man was abusive. He took your car without permission and crashed it. He used to disappear for days on end without explanation. Your post is one long rant about the disdain and disrespect he shows you, yet you took him back. Who else's "fault" do you think it is?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice. I appreciate you taking the time out to listen to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYoucannotbeserious No, I dont feel at all as if it was my fault. I'm not perfect and I did make some mistakes. I was in no way saying any of this was my fault by far. She is the most important but that was not what I was asking for advice on parenting. This is to me a different topic. Not to mention you come off extremely harsh as if i'm a horrible parent. I dont need criticism. I was asking for heartfelt advice. I am not the first or last person that has gone thru this situation and not known how to handle it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2019): Most of your post is venting. Sorry, I'm known for my own lengthy lectures; but I didn't stop to read the whole post. I skimmed over it. I can pretty much sense the angst and frustration that nearly jumps out from the screen at me! Any reader can judge by the length and sprawl of your testimonial explaining the hell you're going through. You've got big trouble!
Let me get straight to the point.
KICK HIM OUT!!! YOU CAN DO BAD ALL BY YOURSELF!
Your post explains every reason and justification; and this is a matter of common-sense, and self-preservation.
If you need some muscle to help escort him out of your life; get a few of your male-relatives to come-over, and help evict him from the premises. Call the police at the least sign of flack or trouble!
This is one of the reasons people need to mend broken-relationships with family. You never know when you'll need their help, comfort, and support. Grudges and unresolved feuds will leave your butt flapping in the breeze, and nobody to turn to in time of need!!! You can't pick-up the phone and call for help?
You're nearly a victim of a house-invasion, and that bum saw you coming from a mile-away! He's not your boyfriend. He's an opportunist!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 December 2019):
You say "Ive never been in a relationship where I carried everything basically on my own" but that is not actually true, is it? You were in exactly the same position the last time you were in a relationship with this waster yet you still CHOSE to take him back. You even considered the relationship had fallen apart because YOU were irritable because he was relying on you to fund everything. You even apologized. I was reading your post and thinking "Seriously? Get a grip!"
Being in a relationship like this once is bad luck. Going back and doing it all again with the same waste of space while expecting a different outcome is MADNESS. Why did you think things would be different second time around? Would you read a book a second time and expect the ending to be different?
I do find it interesting that you don't even mention your daughter till near the end of your post. Very strange. I would have expected her to be mentioned at the very beginning as she is surely the most important person in your life.
Run away from this waster as fast as you can. Run fast, run far, and never EVER take him back again, otherwise you will have nobody to blame but yourself. He is not going to change. He has shown you twice now exactly what a waste of a pair of bo$$ocks he is. You deserve better. You are a strong woman and, without a second child to support (i.e. HIM), you will manage to keep your own head and that of your daughter above water financially.
New year, new start. Best foot forward, sister. You can do this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2019): He's abusive. I could tell you that in practically the first sentence you wrote.
1. He moved in too fast. Abusive men move relationships way too fast. They want to get to the part where you live together and he controls you. He doesn't want to spend too long on the courting phase of things. Also, the fact that you are here, asking for help with a man who doesn't seem to think that any of the work is down to him.
Other abusive acts you mention that are textbook:
2. Treating you as if what you want and/or need do not matter
3. Intimacy is ONLY instigated by him. Abusive men are quite often good in the sack, but only for the ego boost it gives HIM. Women who are in a relationship with an abusive man do not get to call the shots on ANYTHING. THE MEN are in control. So, YOU do not get to decide when the two of you have sex. This is a common abusive tactic. To make you realise that you have no say in this relationship.
4. Lashing out at you for basically nothing. People in normal, loving relationships do not do this. Sure, one might do something like that rarely, but this is a regular occurrence is it not? This is an abusive tactic to keep you on your toes and keep you walking on eggshells, trying not to upset him.
5. Name calling. Even if it is as a 'joke'. They think they can get away with almost anything if it's dressed up as a joke. Reality is though, that it still hits home and affects you. He knows it will, it would anybody, hence why he does it. To reduce your confidence in yourself.
6. Your wants and needs MATTER NOT AT ALL. So...if you are tired and don't want to drive him somewhere and understandably don't want him to drive your car (the cheek of the man after he crashed it last time!) he gets angry to get his own way. He couldn't care less about you and what you need/want. He sees only himself. Abusive men ONLY see themselves.
7. They don't want you to have a voice. They don't want to hear what you want or what you need, so everything he has done is working and you feel you don't have a voice. EXACTLY what he's playing for!
8. HIs moods are all over the place. This is to keep you off balance and to never know what you are getting, Mr. Nice or Mr. Nasty. It unbalances you. Makes you quiet. You don't watch your favourite TV shows anymore, because he makes you feel bad because he doesn't like them. You know what, I'll bet you anything you like, he has no opinion of them one way or another, he just wants to stop your enjoyment.
9. I am more worried about this one, because if I'm right, he is getting pretty extreme. Being ANNOYED that you want to get on the bed. I have read about women in abusive relationships who are made to sleep on the floor! Could be he's heading this way.
10. You cant sleep. Often abusive men will do their best to stop their partner from sleeping. Again, to unbalance you and to make you lose judgement. It's bad enough that you cant sleep, even if he isn't trying to make you lose sleep, it shows what a bad place you're in right now, but one of abusive men's tactics, is to stop you sleeping. They can do this very covertly. I KNEW my boyfriend (abusive) was trying to disrupt my sleep, but he did it in such a way that it would have been very easy for him to argue it was all just a mistake.
11. Everyday revolves around him. Yep! LIFE revolves around abusive men. As I have said, they care not one jot for your needs or wants. THEY are all that matters.
12. He pretends to be nice sometimes to make you think that maybe he is changing and trying. NO he isn't. He's leading you down the garden path, whilst doing his best to make you his unpaid slave.
Shocking, but this is how abusive men behave and these are some of the tactics they use to get the result they want. A quiet, obedient slave of a woman. Read up on abuse, because the very fact that you have to ask whether you should have left or not, is a very big sign that you have already lost judgement. Get away from him, stay away from him. And any other man that you might meet who acts this way. Moving the relationship way too fast is one of the first things they do.
Be wary, careful, but get away from him. Pronto. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did file a report the police did nothing and said because i previously allowed him to drive the car, there was nothing i could do and its not considered stolen (which makes absolutely no sense but several officers have told me the same thing.) I don't get any child support because her father is in a different state. I've applied months ago and still have not heard anything back. I make too much to qualify for foodstamps. Ive tried.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (27 December 2019):
 How are you even questioning if you made the right decision? You said he abused you so of course you have made the right choice. That alone was the reason to end things, everything else just sums up what a bum he is.
Block him and move on with your life.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 December 2019):
Yup END it totally with this guy.
My guess is your anxiety and stress is DIRECTLY linked to him and how he treats you, and how little he contribute to the family.
YOU taking CARE of him takes stuff, attention away from your own kid, IS that what you want? He doesn't CARE about your kid. SHE is yours. And she SHOULD be YOUR priority, not him.
A partner is supposed to ADD to your life. Sure, no relationship will be a bed of roses but it seems to me that HE just wanted someone to take care of him, pay for him and when HE wanted affection HE would "demand it".
He seems manipulative, selfish, inconsiderate and lazy. He crashed your car after he STOLE it? I hope to goodness you filed a police report that it was stolen and that you got your insurance to pay out (since he doesn't have one).
CUT all contact. DO NOT REMAIN friends.
It's not about whether he "should do this or that IF he loved me". No. It's about you. YOU can not control him WHATSOEVER, but you can control how you react and WHAT you allow others to DO to you.
DO not let this asshat back in your life. END it.
Do you get ANY child support from your daughter's dad? If not... why not? You obviously sound like you need financial help here. Are there anything that you can apply for to help you out? Like food stamps, etc?
And lastly, GET yourself sorted out with the suspended licence. ASAP.
He is dragging you down, OP and you know it. LET him go so you can float to the top and not drown.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2019): You suffered abuse in your childhood and you’re repeating a familiar, broken power dynamic. You need to have higher expectations from people and focus on looking after yourself.
He is using you. Don’t fool yourself. You’re worth more and deserve much better. Ditch him and pay for therapy - trust me, you need it. Human beings shouldn’t be grateful for crumbs. You can work towards a future that makes you happy with someone who cares about you and is willing to have an equal relationship.
Anything is possible - raise your standards and life will give you more.
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