A
female
age
41-50,
*atnip
writes:I am married with 2 children . My husband and I have had some difficulties mainly with his temper but we've work on it alot and things are alot better. A situation has come up which I'm struggling with and am looking for advice to deal and gain some perspective. First let me say that I know I'm a sensitive and insecure person so I know this situation may sound stupid to alot of you.So I have 2 friends who I'm extremely close to we also work at the same place we dont spend alot of time at work together but out of work we do and also have a WhatsApp chat which we often talk to each on in fact everyday. My husband also works there as well and these friends are part of his dept in fact one is his manager. They get on well with him which is great of course. Anyway last week or so these friends have started a WhatsApp group with him and his other colleague. This is not just a work chat this is social group now which the friends are sending message everyday etc. Chit chatting away I'm not a controlling wife my husband has his own life and goes out etc just as I do. But this has made me really upset and anxious. It not that I think they are doing anything it's just, and I know this sounds really childish , but they were my friends . And there is something uncomfortable about me sitting watching TV with my husband while he is chatting with my friends.I did speak to them but it has not gone down to well and one of them does not understand. How can I deal with this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2020): Your friends are not real friends. What they are doing is inappropriate IMO. However, I would not have confronted them about it, because they will just take advantage if they sense insecurity. I would present a VERY secure front with your husband to the world. If they didn't see the problem to start with, they will just mock you for feeling insecure, because they have no sense of social propriety.
They should respect the boundaries that he is a COLLEAGUE, and shouldn't be trying to mix work with play so much. As you say, they were YOUR female friends, you don't exclude the wife in that situation when she is in the same office, for goodness sake.
Anyway, I would talk to him and ask that he not check the chat all the time, like when you are watching movies and having YOUR time. The fact they feel they can intrude on your personal life time outside of work is ridiculous.
IF the chat keeps getting out of hand and popping up at all times, I would have HIM talk to them, and say he is leaving hte chat as he needs personal time too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2019): Yes I totally agree with how you feel. You feel your husband is intruding into your life, by being friends with your friends. Sometimes even when we are married we still like to keep somethings separate from our loved ones. To feel like we have a separate identity.
I would feel exactly how you do. So don’t let anyone tell you anything different.
I think on here some of the aunts and uncles don’t have understanding of some situations or just can’t relate to some issues.
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A
female
reader, catnip +, writes (28 December 2019):
catnip is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you wiseowle
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2019): Here's a common gross-misconception about insecurities and jealousies. Of course, all human-beings have them. Who doesn't? The common-misconception is that you should leave them unchecked and uncorrected; while we make them the problems other people have to work around. Even Almighty God Himself admits He's jealous for us; but that's His privilege. He's Master of the Universe, He made and owns everything! We don't!
Once we become adults, our life's-mission is to work on our issues one by one. Some we may never be able to fix; but we don't let them go unaddressed, and write them off with lame excuses. That means we likely wouldn't fix it if we could; because we want things our own way. Welcome to life, it doesn't play by your rules. You can neither pick nor reject his friends!
Right what is wrong; but if there's nothing wrong, leave it alone!
The pursuit of self-improvement, personal-growth, and enlightenment is a life-long project. It improves the quality of life! Friends are not listed as our personal-property. We will feel jealousy and possessive of our mate, family, and friends. That comes natural. It's one of those deals where you feel it; but you don't let it reflect in our speech or behavior. Not if trouble will come from doing so. Dwelling on it allows the mind to create negative-scenarios, irrational thoughts, and unjustified fears. That manifests in inappropriate or ridiculous behavior. It creates conflict and discord.
If you know something said or done is irrational, why would you do it or say it?
We have a built-in mechanism called self-control. It's why we don't just do things on wild impulse. Life would be utter chaos! We check and continue to suppress what we know makes us unnecessarily anxious, scared, or angry. We seek professional-help, and pray to God; when these mechanisms are disabled, damaged, or completely broken.
You emotionally-connect with friends, you may be forced to share those friends; but you do not hold personal-ownership over them. You admit how silly and insecure it is; but make no effort to convince yourself to see this for what it is...and stop!
It's just idle chit-chat, and you know exactly who all the participants are. You see them on a daily-basis; and you even state there's no hanky-panky going on.
Take a deep breath, sweetheart! Just read your post back to yourself:
"My husband also works there as well and these friends are part of his dept in fact one is his manager."
"They get on well with him which is great of course."
No, it doesn't sound stupid; but it is childish. It's also human! You are fully aware of the existence of the chat-group. You spend actual real-time as friends; but they are merely online-contacts that gossip and chat. You can chime-in, or join anytime you'd like.
The problem is having a mature and relaxed attitude towards friendship; and having the proper understanding that you don't own people who offer you their friendship. You are an adult; which means you manage and control your insecurities. They do not control YOU!!! Nobody has to tiptoe around your sensitivities; which are up to you to deal with. We just hope people are considerate of our feelings and respect us; and if they don't, you can dump them as friends.
Some things in life are hard to do. If they are necessary and important; that means you have to figure-out a way to get it done. The reward is meeting the challenge!
If you haven't detected any improprieties or trouble. Calm yourself! Don't go and create any!
Maybe you feel unable to confide in people he talks to as much as you do. You feel you need a support-group and allies of your own. He happens to work with these people. He has formed his own work-related friendly-connections with them. They are co-workers, unlike randomly-chosen friends you can freely select from open-population. They're fish in a barrel! Easy-access!
Mutual-friends should not be held as confidants. You do not share matters regarding your relationship, or innermost-thoughts; if you know it will be passed-around, publicized, or disclosed to certain individuals you don't want them to be. You shouldn't place them in the position to choose sides; or recruit them to gang-up on anybody within that group. If you need a trusting-bestie, choose someone who earns that level of trust; and you still have to discern what matters should be shared, and what shouldn't. Use common-sense and maturity, that's how we grow wisdom.
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