A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, and happy holidays! Any help or advice is much appreciated.A few years ago I liked a girl at my school (so much that it became more of an unhealthy obsession than a crush), but was never able to muster up enough courage to finally ask her out until about two years ago. When I finally decided to tell her how I felt, she explained that she didn't feel the same way that I did but wanted to stay as friends. This 'rejection' made me feel depressed, and I felt a mixture of emotions (I felt like I didn't look good enough, like a romantic failure, like everyone else was better than me, etc).After about a year and a half I finally managed to suppress my depressed thoughts and things started to go my way again. I started a good course at college, my image started to improve, and I made a lot of good friends.At my new college me and a girl in my class started talking to each other. It became obvious to ourselves and everyone else that we liked each other, and eventually she asked me out. I finally felt wanted for the first time, and everything went smoothly for a few months until a few weeks ago when she broke up with me to be with another guy: she never actually cared about me at all, she lied and used me as a stepping stone to get closer to him, before throwing me away like I was nothing.Now I have again fallen into the same mindset that it took me a year and a half to get out of, except now I feel even worse than I did before; I feel completely unwwnted, I feel that I am a complete romantic disaster and overall depressed exactly the way I was but this time the feeling has increased tenfold. Again, any words of wisdom or advice is much appreciated. Thank you for your time.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 December 2019):
 Welcome to the world of dating.
A lot of the time it sucks, can feel lonely, like you’ll never meet anyone. It will feel like everyone is just out to hurt you or embarrass you and like you’re the unluckiest person going. On the other hand, when you do meet someone it makes sense why it didn’t work out with everyone else.
You’re young, you have plenty of time to meet someone. I will assure you that you WILL 100% meet more girls that will turn your life upside down and feel like they’ve ripped your heart out of your chest. Are you going to go into shutdown every single time?
I’ve been through all of that, I’ve been hurt a lot of times and I’ve also hurt other people. It’s part of life, it’s what makes us who we are and it helps to build our character. Sure, it feels like your world is imploding but it’s really not. Life goes on and won’t stop because you’re feeling upset. Each time it happens the pain will become lesser until you have the ability to shrug it off and say okay whatever, that one didn’t work out, onto the next.
I’m 28 now and been in a relationship for 2 years, I used to think I’d never be able to meet someone who could make me happy and wanted the same things as me until she appeared out of nowhere. Trust me, you’ll find someone, just stop beating yourself up when things don’t work out as it IS NOT helpful. You’ll be fine, keep going.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 December 2019):
 My advice?
Don't tie your "worth" as a person to whether or not you have a GF or HOW a girl treats you.
You are not worth LESS than the new guy she really wanted to date. You just weren't a good fit. It does happen. And there ARE some people who go from "shiny" new person to "shiny" new person because they see all the choices. But they don't stay long because they have actually LITTLE to offer someone long term. They have a short attention span.
Now you say that she never liked you and just used you to get closer to someone else. Is that YOUR interpretation or what she told you?
If it is your interpretation, then I think you are wrong. People your age don't usually for long and lasting romantic bonds. Because you are all still developing your brains, your moral compass, values, your likes and dislikes, etc. You are still learning social skills, intellectual skills and how the world ACTUALLY works. It is a lot to take in. A lot to adapt to.
IT is OK to feel disappointed that it didn't work out but what you need to remember is that it is NOT a defeat to break up, it's a lesson. It won't be your last "lesson" either. Eventually you will meet someone who is a GOOD fit for you and that YOU are a good fit for.
REJECTION is part of life. Whether it be romantically or job-wise, for a loan, a friendship, anything really. It's bound to happen. TO EVERYONE.
Throwing yourself these HUGE pity parties when a girl decides you aren't "IT" for them, won't help you. What will help you is ACCEPTING that sometimes a relationship or a crush or whatnot DO NOT last. It sucks. But it happens, ALL the time.
Now, IF she on the other hand, told you WITH her own words that she only befriended you to get closer to another guy... then guess what?! SHE is a piece of crap person! THAT is 100% on HER, not you. And WHO would want to date a girl like that?!
However, what is done it done and that short relationship is over. Which... leave YOU single and open to move on too. But don't hurry. Take your time getting to know someone new. And let her get to know you. I have seen teenagers jump into relationships that are just not a good fit because it "felt" right in the moment, but then didn't.
Basically DO NOT "piss your pants in winter to keep warm", it's a short term solution that will be detrimental over longer time. It's OK to take things slow.
It might feel like your whole world collapsed because you broke up, but in REALITY it didn't. ONE aspect of your life (having a GF) is ALL that changed. You are NOT less worthy of a relationship, of affection, or anything else. You are just SINGLE right now.
Be the best you, you can be. You already feel you improved during the college courses, keep moving forward, KEEP improving yourself and your mind.
And remember, this too shall pass.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 December 2019):
 You are not worth any less because one girl did not fancy you, or because one girl ended your relationship to be with someone else. Even if you are Brad Pitt, there will always be girls who will say "nah, not for me". Don't take it personally and don't see your worth as being defined only by how your latest crush sees you.
Do you actually KNOW that your ex only went out with you to get to this other guy or was it actually - far more likely at your age - that you went out for a short while and the relationship ran its course? You are being very dramatic with phrases such as "she never actually cared about me at all, she lied and used me as a stepping stone to get closer to him, before throwing me away like I was nothing". I mean, really? She ended your relationship. That was all. It happens all the time. She didn't "throw you away like you were nothing".
Very few people of your age have relationships which last any great length of time. Relationships at your age are all about "trying before you buy". They give you experience and teach you what you want, and DON'T want, in a partner. One day you will meet a girl who ticks all the right boxes and then you will understand why the other relationships didn't work out.
Give yourself time to get over the latest relationship, lick your wounds and feel sorry for yourself for a SHORT while, but then brush yourself down and get back out there. Life is for living. One day you will meet someone who was meant for you. Chin up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2019): My friend, welcome to life! Trust this, every failure, every rejection which we humans suffer, strengthens us, and helps us refine our skills, at dealing with other folks and in particular with our love interests. Girl one taught you that you had an unhealthy obsession, and that just because we feel affection for a lady, does not automatically mean that your feelings are reciprocated. If what you said about girl two is truthful, no you understand to watch out for ulterior motives in some women, so now you are less likely to get played again. You are a victim of your own ALL OR NOTHING thinking! One moment all is well, but if the object of your desire opts out, you make yourself out to be this hopeless lowdown waste of human DNA! Nothing could be farther, from the truth! You are just you! Just like I am just me. Some folks like me, and some folks do not, and that includes women. My friend, hold your head up, and look people in the eye. Be humble, honest, and never proud! Thats all a woman wants in a man!
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