A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a BIG problem and its driving me and my boyfriend up the wall. The thing is he's a Sikh and he can't do certain things like have a girlfriend so his family don't exactly know about us...we plan to tell them in two years, But if they find out before his family will separate us or get him arranged earlier to be married and never let us see each other again-abit like Romeo and Juliet. We want them to understand that we are inlove, but all his family have been arranged so im afraid they just won't understand. We have to sneak our relationship, we don't want to hurt anyone. We just want everyone to be happy. Please help, i cant bare to lose him. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): To the girl with the Sikh boyfriend: I recommend you leave him. I had a Sikh boyfriend for 3 years, first he wouldn't tell his parents because he was afraid they would not understand. Then when he told them, they refused to meet me at all, not even shake my hand, after 3 years! They wanted nothing to do with me simply because I wasn't Indian. The whole situation put a strain in our relationship from the very beginning. I'm a very open person, I date anyone from any culture/religion and my parents support me either way. My family loved him and treated him like a prince. I thought he was the one for me, I loved him with all my heart, he was my life. But even after 3 years, he still wasn't sure if he could confront his parents for me or stand up to them. It wasn't just his parents that had issues with my culture, it was HIM too! I left him eventually because I had no future in the relationship. You do not need to be with anyone who needs his Mommy's permission to be with the woman he loves. You deserve better. Trust me, I wish I had been strong enough to leave him sooner.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): I am sure that you will succeed. I have known so many, so many cases like this. In most cases, parents are afraid that the next generation will no longer remain attached to their religion.
i know of an english girl who loved my friend, a Sikh. When I told her this, she went to talk to my friend's parents and swore that she would bring up their children as Sikhs.
That is what got their approval. Ultimately they were very happy to have a British daughter in law, who respected their traditions.
She follows her own path, but participates in all family functions and rituals, without any fuss.
The second case was very different and this involved a relative. His girlfriend read up some Sikh literature and told the elders that Sikhism accepts all religions, so how come you dont accept me. That was funny. The parents thought the girl was already quarrelling with them, and the quarrels would increase when she gets married.
The boy and girl married eventually - the boy resisted attempts to thwart the wedding.
I know of cases where the girl converted and told everyone that she has sacrifised so much for her love. The parents had no choice of accept.
In another case, the boy walked out of his house and said he was converting to the girl's faith. He did not convert but he did walk out.
I feel that if the boy is strong enough, things dont matter. Arranged marriages are dying and parents know that.
best
rupinder singh
...............................
A
male
reader, Escalaya  +, writes (31 August 2007):
 I agree with everyone, but also. Even if they do seperate you, and he's FORCED to marry off. He can always leave her. no one can be FORCED to marry someone they do not love.
...............................
A
female
reader, simayanan  +, writes (31 August 2007):
 I am a Sikh mother,quite ancient to someone your age, I'm sure, a native of Canada, not India. Both previous answerers are absolutely right. You must tell his parents, nicely, politely, respectfully, as soon as possible. Sikh families tend to be very close-knit and they will be able to tell that he's hiding something. Hideit for two years? They'll know! And they'll hate being deceived, believe me.Some families are very traditional about the arranged marriage thing, but nowadays, most are open to the idea of a love match. Your not being Sikh is a problem. Have you any interest in Sikhi? That might make a difference.I know I would have been very angry about my son sneaking around, but would have been open to meeting a nice girl he was interested in.You need to know that Western girls have a reputation for being lose, and the Sikh community is very sexually conservative. So dress modestly and be at your most polite best.It might work and it might not - just like everything else in life.Good luck! You have a lot of future ahead of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, hugs2muchgal +, writes (30 August 2007):
 I'm sorry to hear about your predicament, but I do hope you understand where his family is coming from. In India it's a tradition to have arranged marriages (this is not true for more modern families) but for some this is truly important.It's surprising though as your flag states you are British and you are only between 13-15 that you are overly worried. I can believe you love this boy, but as you are young, you have a lot of time to worry about marriage. He shouldn't be married off young (at least that young) unless he is older...?It'd be nice to know more information about the relationship to get a better grasp on things. Also, in Britain, it will be harder for his family to find your boyfriend a "nice Indian girl"...unless they plan to ship him back to India?If you two love eachother and truly think you want to be together, then talk to his parents. No, they will not like it, but better they a) interefere now before it gets too deep or b)have time to grasp the concept before they are thinking too heavily on marriage. Before you meet them, learn more about Indian, and specifically sikh culture. Bring a gift. Dress approriately and respect their reaction no matter what.Hiding this will hurt his family and his relations to them, and trust me, that is something that will haunt him. Family is thoroughly important, and while you seem important to him (he is risking his family's thoughts and feelings towards him for you) they will most likely come first and he will come to resent hiding from them (once again this is just speculation.)So my advice is to meet them, at least as his friend and get to know how his family works, then tell them of your relationship and brace yourself. Tell them you never meant to go behind their backs and you care and respect their son and their wishes. That's all I can reccommend.Sorry for the long response, but as a sikh girl myself, I felt compelled to respond. You can ask me for anymore advice if you'd like and I would be happy to try and help.Good luck,Hugs
...............................
A
female
reader, chrissy32789 +, writes (30 August 2007):
 Hun honestly the sooner you tell his parents the better because the longer you wait and then if they dont want you two together and you two have to break up it is going to be harder on you both, so just tell them that you are with him and if they disaprove then just be friends intil he is old enough to make his owne mind up! If you keep hiding it from his parents you two wont be happy you will worrie about them finding out and whats going to happen to you two...so the sooner the better!
...............................
|
