A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of almost two years has a huge insecurity about how he compares to other men. I have reassured him (for these two years) that he is the man I want and who I want to be with - oh, and I am 26, he is 30. Last night we were out to a wonderful dinner and he told me that I was acting strange because I wanted to "look at some guy" and "let some guy see" me. I have no idea who he is talking about, by the way...he and I had just been speaking about marriage and he made the comment that he wants to marry me but he can't live in separate places for five months because "[he is] a man and needs sex". So, I got mildly upset and told him that if that's the way he feels then I am not the woman he should spend the rest of his life with. Then the accusations about "some guy" started and continued even after we got home. I did not raise my voice. I answered his questions once. Even after he screamed that I "should answer his questions because I am just a b*tch wh*re", I reassured him and said that I don't know where his fear comes from, but I would never hurt him. He didn't stop. I told him to shut up and went to do my homework (graduate school) in the bathroom. As I was walking in, he punched me square in the back and that was that. I said nothing, I cried alone in the bathroom; he's promised not to be like that with me...He continued for the first 3 hours while I was at work this morning, too. I came home in a relatively sour mood (we live together) and he wanted to have sex and I know that if I say no, he tells me that it's because I don't like his body or that I already has sex that day, so I said yes. Long story short, I got upset because all I could think about while we were having sex was how he could have sex with someone who he thinks those things about and treats that way. And it hasn't stopped. I feel trapped. I don't know who he really is...I think I do, then he says these things about me and that is not someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know that everyone has arguments, but these accusations feel unhealthy and drive me borderline insane; i feel depressed most of the time and have no confidence in my body or abilities to please him because of the number of times he's told me that my vag*** is too big.
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male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (10 October 2009):
Plan your move, find a safe place to go, get what you need and go. Change your cell, email, everything, and get a TRO (Temporary restraining order). Tell your family and I strongly suggest getting assistance from the local group that helps women with domestic violence.HE HIT YOU, HE'S SHOWING AGGRESSIVE AND HOSTILE TENDENCIES.If you haven't seen the red flag, he just smacked you with it. This is not a relationship, it's a future hostage situation.This is NOT someone you can have an honest relationship with. Cut your loses, get away and start healing so that you can find a real man to have a real relationship with. If you stay (because of 'love') your in for years of this getting worse, and either a funeral or a messy divorce.
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (10 October 2009):
 What you have described in the classic domestic violence victim profile to be honest. I used to work on a housing project for DV victims and they all had stories like yours. He wants sex because it is another mechanism for control. While I am sorry you have been hurt, ultimately the only person to get you out of this mess is you. I organised emergency housing for a woman once, the next day a police officer came to interview me as she was found dead in a park within hours of me having counselled her. No prizes for guessing who stabbed her. By accepting his behaviour and verbal abuse you are encouraging the problem to get worse. In his disordered mind he feels he is entitled to abuse you because you are his 'possession'. When you let him have sex afterwards or don't report him to the police for assault then you are encouraging him to think his behaviour is ok. Basically he needs professional help from a domestic violence perpetrators course. This is not your problem and you need to leave him and get on with your life. Do not be deluded into thinking this will change - if you marry him and start a family then you drag little people into this mess too.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (10 October 2009):
 Punched you in the back...
Well, I knew the advice right there although I did read the whole story which only confirmed it.
GET OUT. NOW.
Abusers seek control. There may be many reasons for it, sometimes a lack of control in the big world, or just because they are not very nice people.
Not that it matters, you CANNOT save him. Don't try, it NEVER works. Oh maybe once in a million but many more result in dead.
He punched you with his fist in your back. Might as easily have been a knife.
How do abusers work? It ain't just violence. In fact violence is the least harmfull. You got a bruise (?) and that is evidence, it can be shown in court.
Remember it is about control. Controlling through violence is tricky, I can break you legs so you can't leave but doctors might ask questions. Leg irons are also fround upon in public.
But mental abuse/control. Now THAT is far more effective especially if you can get the victim to do it to herself.
Tell me this, since he started accusing you, have you changed your behavior in anyway?
You have, you say it yourself, he accuses you of having had sex with someone else, so to proof yourself, you have sex with him even if you don't want to. So... by accusing you, abusing you mentally, he gets to control you/have sex with you when he wants.
The point here is NOT to have sex, but to control you.
That he says downgrading things about you is another form of control "you need me because nobody else will have you" is the idea here.
Answer me this. Have you stopped seeing old friends, because to stop accusations? Alter your own behavior to avoid his critisim?
You have, haven't you? And that ain't going to stop. It is not as if you can find a magic routine that will make him happy, because HE wants NOT just control, but the act of controlling. If you are completly docile, you will STILL get punished for bleeding to loudly.
You say that the end that you think you know who he really is.
Sorry, no, you don't. Who he really is, is the guy who punched you in the back. Now either you start loving that, or you give up on the idea that somehow love is going to save the day.
Beauty does not save the beast.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): He is a classic abuser get away now before it's too late. My Ex was exactly the same way ! We moved in together and he turned into a monster ! He hit me was jealous and he even raped me. Your guy has all the same warning signs my guy did. PLEASE LEAVE HIM TELL YOUR FAMILY and have them help you. This guy is dangerous I only hope you leave now and don't be stupid like me and stay with this guy who hits you and is verbally abusive for 5 yrs ! I learned my lesson take my advice he is only going to get worse ! In the end my guy tried to strangel me to death I don't want this guy to kill you PLEASE GET HELP ! Thier is plenty of people who care about you your family your friends co workers. Tell someone you need help. God Bless and Good Luck
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (10 October 2009):
 He's exploiting your insecurities and using manipulative intimidation tactics to ensure you're afraid to leave, because he can't face his own insecurity and needs to blame everything on someone else. He'll never stop, and will likely get worse as long as it's allowed with no consequences. Get out of that relationship as soon as you can, and never look back. Regardless of how much you care for him he's never going to change, he'll only treat you like dirt just because he thinks he can get away with it.
Find a new place to live, and distance yourself from him as much as you can.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (10 October 2009):
 It sounds like you've got an abuser. He has a lot of personal problems, and his self-loathing and insecurities, which are his problems are being used against you.
He needs a great deal of help, but this is something you can't help him with. He needs to resolve these issues on his own.
Unfortunately, this means you're going to need to gain some distance from him until he either fixes himself or you move on.
Either way, this is not a healthy situation and you should protect yourself before he gets much worse.
Every time he gets away with doing something to you that's violent or abusive its just enabling an escalation to more violence and psychological abuse.
So stop the violence. Tell him to go get help for his problems, and you need to get away from him NOW.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (10 October 2009):
 Im sorry, that happened to you. I am afraid that it is time for you to leave the relationship. If he punches you in the back, what is next? someone compliments your looks or says "Thats a pretty dress you are wearing" and when you get home you get smacked around?
He is insecure, jealous abusive and a batterer.
I have done some very bad shit in my life, extremely bad. But I can say one of them is NOT punching a female.
Please, I know you may have reservations, but this is a snapshot of your future with him...RUN
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (10 October 2009):
Wow, I'm glad you realize this is a VERY bad relationship. Not only is he abusive, he's also manipulative. When he does wrong, he twists it around to being your fault when clearly it is not.
I know you feel trapped, but you're not. You can find a way to get out, family and friends will be more than willing and accepting to help you especially under these circumstances.
With his behavior, I think it's best you leave him when he's not around. I would be afraid that he would become violent and abusive if you tried to leave him while he knew. Make your plans and leave while he's gone. When he tries to get a hold of you AFTER you've left, that's when you need to tell him that it's over. I would say to tell him that your vagina isn't too big, but that his penis is too small and that's why he has a problem being a real man--but it's best to just go quietly and tell him you're done afterwards.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): Wow. I know how it is to be in an unhealthy realtionship, and I know how hard it is to admit that maybe it needs to end, but honestly, this can't continue. Once you get out of it, you'll realize that it was for the best (I know that's hard to believe.) Of course he promised he'd never be like that with you - why would you want him to stick around if he said otherwise? And yes, at the time he may have meant that he won't be like that, but clearly he can't control himself, and I'm afraid that things will only get worse from there.
As for his attitude, he's distrusting of you, and incredibly demeaning of you (the comments about how you can please him, the names he calls you, etc.), and he has shown a very clear lack of respect for you. I'm very sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you handled this as best you could, but I'm afraid you may need to take a step back.
You tried to make him feel better about himself by agreeing to have sex even after all that he did, when clearly he has no problem making you feel bad about yourself and not giving a damn. You deserve better, I think most people would agree that you handled yourself well, and that no one deserves to be treated like this.
Find someone who treats you with respect, pays attention to your wants and desires, and makes you feel GOOD about yourself, not always putting you down. I've been in a relationship that I was put down all the time during, for a long time, and it does take a toll on you. Please feel free to message me if you want to talk through things more or anything, I know this is a hard situation. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, sunnycomet  +, writes (10 October 2009):
 You need to get out of this relationship. He is being very abusive mentally and physically. And it will only get worst with time.
I'm glad you realized this isn't healthy and the next step is to say goodbye and heal. I advise that you get some counseling.
If you can get your friends and family's support.
Good Luck! Please feel free to send me a message if you want to talk.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): Look, you're just going to have to cop on to what's happening here. He's very insecure, trying (and succeeding) to destroy your self-esteem to ensure that you won't have the heart or confidence to leave him and basically being an all-round abusive jerk. I'll admit to being a pretty insecure guy myself who has driven my gf a bit crazy on occasion, but this guy is totally paranoid and has absolutely no respect for you as a person or as a lover. Hitting a woman is never acceptable (except in self-defence) and the only thing you can do now is get out of this relationship and find someone less abrasive who won't trest you like this.
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