A
female
age
36-40,
*glyfatgal
writes:Ive bin with my boyfriend now for 2 years, at first he was lovely now he hits me pushes me, calls me names fat, ugly etc, wont help with the kids if he dont get his own way. one is his. he works in the day he comes home helps a bit with the children n then when they have gone to bed he sits on the xbox till sometime in the morning then goes to bed this happens everyday. on his days of he expects to sit around doing nothing all day while im expected to do all the house work etc. I cry most days n he doesnt care. i feel trapped and i don't know what to do! help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): just dump the fat slob and take your kids with you he doesnt deserve someone like you thats all i can say for now.best of luck!!!ps do tell us what happened
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): right now im confused also and dont know what to do as well because my boyfriend was so into me at first. we have been together for a year and a half. it was just about two months ago when he first hit me and now if dont shut up he raises his hand at me. i get scared when he does that cuz i know when he gets pissed off and raises his hand at me he will hit me like he has done before. i know i should leave him but its hard because i love him and i know theres some good in him.at times i think "how do i get him to be the way he was at first?" i have told him that i was gonna leave from his house and move on and he tells me to leave which only makes me end up staying. i think it would have been easier for me if i didnt have his child. my first kid. he tells me he loves me and that hes sorry. he says that everything would work out if i would just shut the f*** up so he didnt have to him me. when i threaten to leave the first thing he does is walk out the door and go drink with his friends. im the longest relationship hes had. i had it my way at first but then something i dont know what went wrong. so i say just wait a couple more days and you will be so fed up with it that you will want to leave him and dont be so faithful go out there and flirt look pretty for someone else. get home act like nothing is wrong and when you finally find someone else while you are out there flirting dump his ass and he he does love you he will be crying for you to come back and you may not even want him anymore. have fun once in a while. all i know is that we got to throw these jerks out of our lives for sure. theres other guys out there who will care for us. its hard but it takes time to not regret it when you leave him.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 May 2008):
 You are being mentally and psychologically abused due to his addiction to the x-box and the lack of sleep.
You need to stand up to him for your rights .
Tell him your limits and boundaries .
Get prepared to leave because it can get worse unless he controls his addiction.
Do you have anyone who can take you in temporary?
You can go to this link to find the right support group ;-
http://www.freewebs.com/jameyphillips/usauksupportresources.htm
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): That's exactly what it is all about, being happy together and making sure that you are both happy.
If you are only there for the kids then you should definitely leave. I don’t think growing up in that situation would be good for them. Does he bully you when they’re around? If yes, then you know what you have to do.
There are lots of men out there who would be more than pleased to be in a relationship with a woman that has a high sex drive.
He is so abusive.
You really should leave, for yourself and the children.
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A
female
reader, uglyfatgal +, writes (27 May 2008):
uglyfatgal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionright mur detail. Half the time he is nice helps around the house, helps with the kids is nice to me. its the other half that is the problem, which i have stated. the main time when he hits pushes n calls me names when he wants to go on his xbox n i want to talk or discuss things he gets really mad then if he doesnt want to he also tells me to shut up n stop talkin. at the moment i only think im staying for the kids sake! also the money is handy n the help that i do get with the kids. when i ask to taslk he says theres nothing to talk bout. he also slags what im like it bed too n doesnt satify me in bed. well he does when he wants to but if i want sex n he doesnt thats it he wont try n wwant it kinda thing he just wont bother! i have a high sex drive so this i see also as a problem if i didnt really fancy sex i wud have sex with him if he wanted it to please him. isnt that whats its bout! making sure we r both happy xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): Isabella is spot on.
You poor dear. I’m sorry, but you have to leave. He is treating you so badly. You do not deserve this. Nobody does. The relationship is abusive and violent. It will be best for your children if you take them away. It would be terrible for them to take this is and think that this is normal.
Take your kids and stay with your parents or a friend. Find somewhere you will be safe. If you are scared that he will get violent if you tell him you’re leaving then do it whilst he is a work if the is possible.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (27 May 2008):
 The answers from M! and Isabella are good, but could you tell us a little more, please.
What sort of thing sparks off his unacceptable behaviour? Is there something that starts off the pushing, hitting and calling you names?
You say he "wont help with the kids if he dont get his own way". Is there something particular that he wants that starts this?
Why did you pick that username? I know the obvious answer, but I would really like you to put it in your own words.
I know I'm being "picky" and difficult, but I suspect there is a lot more that can be said to help you if we can look into this a bit further.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): Honey, leave him. Simply leave him. That's all you can do at this stage, because to even try and work it out with a guy like that is just daft. He's made it clear that you deserve somebody better than him, so gather your confidence and tell him to get out. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Smiffy  +, writes (27 May 2008):
 Sorry to hear about your situation.....you should not put up with this mans behaviour one moment longer....OK...im a man but I know how hard it is with two kids...plus all the house work on top....for him not to pull his finger out and share the responsibility is disgusting....xbox indeed...sounds like you have three children in your house !!!!
Listen to Isabella and M...it will be difficult...but for you and your kids sake you need to think what your next steps will be....have you family that understand the situation or that you can go and stay with?? Your children dont deserve to see there Mum treated this way....
So...good luck with what you choose to do....but I wouldnt be staying any longer than I had too...
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (27 May 2008):
 It makes me sad to see you have used the log in name you have...is this how you see yourself?
It sounds like things with your BF have deteriorated over time - and that you have had little success trying to talk with him about it - I am assuming you guys just wind up fighting if you do bring up your concerns,and that you have probably just given up trying most of the time? I don;t know the in's and out's of what's going on, but I know one thing...what is happening in your relationship is NOT all your fault.
You say your man was once "lovely" - so what's changed? Do you feel you have any insight into why he is being mean, why he seems disinterested in his family life etc? Has he expressed any of his feelings in a constructive way?
What have you been like to live with lately? What has changed for you since the "honeymoon phase"?
Do you two ever have any time to enjoy each other and being together? When life gets busy, kids are around, you feel tired etc, it can really impact on a relationship. Maybe trying to plan for a "date", some time when you don't talk about housework or stresses...a chance to reconnect as the two people who fell in love two tears ago would help.
If you can both feel valued by each other, maybe working out some simple strategies to make some changes won;t be so hard.
You could also try setting a time to discuss any issues - for example, Tuesday nights at 7.30pm for 30 mins (and stop after the time is up no matter what). You would need to practice good communication skills - for example, if your BF brings up an issue let him speak ithout interjecting (you'd be surprised how hard this is) then reflect back what he's said so he feels that you have heard him and understood...rather than getting defensive and trying to "win" or get your point across. If he feels "heard" he is then more likely to listen to what you have to say and work WITH you to find a solution to the problem.
Try using "I statements" rather than blaming type language - and clearly define the issue/concern, for example: "I feel really taken for granted when you refuse to help me with the housework and it is impacting on how I feel and act around you." Rather than "you're lazy and hopeless and I am sick of being your slave around here"...(even tho that may be what your FEEL like saying at the time)! He may be more willing to come to the party if you approach him in a different way...you might find yourselves sitting down writing up a list of "chores" and allocating who does what that week!!
Ideally I think the two of you should see a counsellor together - if making the relationship work is what you want. Having someone to help you to identify and express the issues in a healthy way may be of use - to break the cycle of blaming and defensiveness that often occurs when "hot topics" come up at home and communication is not good. I am sensing your man is unlikely to volunteer to go with you though, but try him, I might have pegged him all wrong.
If he won;t go then you should still go yourself. It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed, and maybe even moderately depressed. Also, it is NEVER ok for your BF to hit, push or call you names - that is abuse. This is something you need to take very seriously for your own sake and for the sake of your children.
Don;t just accept the current situation - take action now, yourself...from small things big things can come!
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A
female
reader, Isabella1974  +, writes (27 May 2008):
 Hello
He has no right to hit you and push your about. Your boyfriend is abusive and you need to remove yourself from this environment, not just for your own sake but for the sake of your children. Your confidence is down because he is constantly firing verbal and physicial abuse at you.
Do you have family or friends that will take you in, otherwise there are helplines that you can call and they will tell you what you can do. I am sure you can find something on the web where you can get the support you need.
Try to be strong, you deserve to be treated better.
Please take care
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A
female
reader, M!  +, writes (27 May 2008):
 leave him.
you dont deserve to be beat up and called names.
just leave him.
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