A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so me and my boyfriend have been going out for three years now. We started dating when I was 15 and he was 16. Now three years later I am 18 and he's 20 he still has not told his father about us. He is Muslim and I am catholic and his father is somewhat religious. My parents both knew about him from the beginning. His mom and most of his aunts know about me and all of his siblings and cousins do. He told me that once we stopped fighting and matured he would tell his dad. We have matured alot in the past year and haven't been fighting about stupid little things anymore but he still hasn't told his dad. I used to nag him about it but now that I let it go but its bothering me so much. His Dad is also always going in and out of the country for work so I don't know if that has anything to do with it. I just don't know what to do or what to expect. Will he ever tell him? Or has anyone been in a similar situation? And how did it work out?
View related questions:
cousin, muslim Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Then you have to talk with your boyfriend and make sure he is planning a future with you, and that his family would have no objections,-or he would be willing to ignore their objections.
It's not about religion, strictly ( and anyway it's not against their religion for a Muslim guy to marry a Christian girl ).
I have several friends and acquaintances of both genders among the Muslims in my hometown in Northern Italy. It's a totally Westernized community,particularly among the young ones. They get tattoos, they listen to rock music and rap, they go to clubs, some drink like fishes. Just a few few fast during Ramadan, nobody prays 5 times a day. And ...hijabs ? Just a few old grandmothers. The women dress Westernized . But, lo and behold, after all the fun and games, when it's time to settle down, it always pops up a cousin of a cousin of a cousin to raise a family with. Or, they'll go back to their country for the summer and will get engaged with some childhood friend.
These are not exactly "arranged " marriages, and I don't know anybody who has been actually forced into them. It's more like- they do what is expected from them. They have a different vision of marriage , in which romantic love is just ONE of the elements and surely not the most important.
There are various exceptions of course , my female boss married a Syrian guy and nobody batted a lid. But that's not the norm ,so it makes sense that you check what are your bf's, and his family's views on this subject.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut the thing I dont get is that his dad isnt even very strict when it comes to enforcing religion on his children. For example his sisters dont wear hijabs and my boyfriend has never gone to the mosque once since Ive been dating him and he hardly fasts when its Ramadan and his parents dont mind. Also me being Italian and his father having Muslim friends married to Italian women you think that he would be somewhat okay with me. And I dont think of him telling his dad as a way of showing he loves me. I know he loves me and cares about me, hes a really straight up guy and if he didnt love me he would leave me hes very strong minded. And I love him so why wouldnt I want to meet his father. And him not being able to introduce me to his dad has held me back from bringing him to my house. He knows my parents he has met them a couple of times and they have nothing against him but I dont bring him around my family. I also feel that if we have no future than why should I be with him. I am not in this relationship for nothing and if its gonna go on any longer in my opinion it should progress.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut the thing is, my boyfriends parents aren't even strict. And his family doesn't do arranged marriages his cousins have gotten married and it's to men or women of their choice. And me being italian and his dad having Muslim friends married to italian women you'd think he'd be okay with me. And its not so much that I want him to tell his dad as a way of showing me how much he loves me. I know he cares about me and loves me. It's more like I want him to tell him because I'm not with him for no reason and if were not going to have a future together than I might as well move on no matter how much I love him. I'd rather be without him than with him and knowing were going no where. It may sound dry but I've been hurt to much and it would be hard moving on but worth it if were not gonna work out.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 March 2011):
Necessary proviso : I don't know your bf's father nor how religious he is nor the customs and traditions of Muslim communities in Canada, so mine is just a guess :
your bf did not mention you to his father because deep down he knows you two don't have a future together , so why rock the boat unnecessarily.
While technically a Muslim man can marry a Christian woman, in practice it happens very seldom. Why ? because most of the times young Muslims are, not exactly forced into arranged marriages, but let's say strongly advised / persuaded / pressured to marry within the community. Some girl from the extended family, or the daughter of family friends, or someone from the same area of origin.
And the young Muslims DO listen , because in their culture
marriage is not only a private business only concerning the
feelings of the two people getting married, but something involving cohesion and harmony of the whole family /community, and the raising of a family perpetuating a certain set of values ( not necessarily religious, but social and cultural ).
I think maybe your bf knows, or at least fears, that at some point in time, you will have to part ways. Involving his dad may accelerate the process.
Of course I hope I am wrong , and that this is not your case. But, it's a distinct possibility.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (8 March 2011):
 There's a reason he hasn't told his dad and I'm guessing it's because he is pretty sure he'll disapprove or worse... especially since different religions are involved here.
Seems to me like you mostly want him to tell his dad about you as it'll be like a checkpoint that you're in a mature and serious relationship. Is there really any reason for you wanting him to tell his dad other than to prove his love for you? Do you have any interest in getting to know his father as a person?
Now if he hadn't told his mum about you then fair call, you'd be right to be concerned... but you're dealing with a father who could very well be so against your relationship that he forces your boyfriend to break up with you.
Afraid to say, these things happen.
So before you make a big deal out of this, realize that you may very well be dodging a bullet here... at least for a while.
...............................
|
