A
female
age
41-50,
*s.Love
writes:I've been seeing this guy for six months and I really love him. He's been hesitant to fully commit to me so I confronted him about it. He always tells me he loves me and cares about me a lot. He said he hasn't been able to commit because he has unresolved issues with his last relationship. He was with someone for two years and was engaged to her and were making wedding plans. He broke it off with her for a few reasons. It's been a little over a year since they broke up and he said he still has issues with this that he needs to resolve and he said he thinks a part of him is still in love with her. He said the break up was like a divorce and is afraid to get hurt again and is afraid to hurt me and be responsible for my emotions, but it's past that point already, he even said that. He said that she's been texting him and had called him a few times. He said he doesn't want to talk to her and that he doesn't want to get back together with her even if she asked. She still has feelings for him but he wants to move on but said he can't fully commit to me until he resolves those issues with himself and what happened. He said he loves me and wants to work it out with me but that's the reason why he can't fully commit. He said if he did it wouldn't be real and can't do that until he gets over what happened. He said he thought he'd be over it by now. Another complicated thing is that he's friends with her family. He was friends with her family before he even met her. Her family adores him and is still friends with him. His ex-fiance's sister misses him and has been contacting him. He's still friends with her, although he doesn't talk to the sister or see her that much anymore. Her family invited him to a wedding and he was going to go but decided not to because his ex-fiance was going to be there and he didn't want to see her. It really hurt hearing these things and I don't know how long it will take him to get over it. It's really painful and it's not fair. I love him more than anyone else I've loved. But I don't know how much more of this I can take. I broke up with him a few months ago but he wanted to get back together and said that he would give me more, but that hasn't completely been the case. This relationship has gotten a little more serious emotionally for the both of us and says sometimes he's in denial that it's gotten to this point because that wasn't his intention when we first started seeing each other. Now he says he can't bear the thought of losing me for good. I don't know how much longer I can be in this relationship because this is not fair to me and sometimes it makes me really sad and depressed and I don't like feeling this way. And I don't know if I should just be patient and stick it out. I'm not sure what to think or do.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (9 September 2009):
 It seems that he is very emotionally attached to you, based on what you said:
"...he's been pretty gentle with me, asking how I am, how I slept, if anything's bothering me, and if I want to talk about it. So in a sence (sic) he's been taking care of me emotionally...."
That says a lot right there. I think he's thinking about you and cares a great deal for you. This is where you should be less confused and more patient with him.
I suggested this earlier. Maybe you need to spend some time with him, just trying to help him by giving him emotional support too. I think he's crying out for it by giving you the support you need.
I sense that he is fighting for his life to be with you. And that means he is striving for you. He just needs a little help while he sorts this out in his mind and in his heart.
I can see there's probably more confusion on his part than yours.
Right now, believe it or not, you're the stronger of the two of you, and he's a little weaker. But the fact that he cares and is concerned tells me that the stronger your emotional bonds grow, the weaker his conflicts and issues will become.
If anything, it tells me he's falling deeply in love with you, but in order to do that, he has to distance himself from the feelings he had for his ex.
And this is why he's got issues. But from what you've said, you should be grateful that he wants you and from what I'm seeing, you want him.
I always say this and that is that love's so hard to find in this world. Finding the right person to spend your life with is so very difficult. And I see that he appreciates that and is working in his own way to be closer to you than ever before.
Its probably very painful for you to sit there and watch him struggle like this, and this does add to the confusion. Try and look into your heart and find the strength to try and help him through this. I think when you do, you'll find he will be there for you, hopefully always.
A
female
reader, Ms.Love +, writes (9 September 2009):
Ms.Love is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of your advice I really appreciate it. He can't see his ex because she lives in Seattle and we live in California, so I don't know why she keeps bothering him. The few times she's in town he avoids her because from what he's told me, he doesn't want to have anything to do with her. He said he doesn't need to work his issues out with her, he needs to work them out with himself. But I'm still pretty confused. Since he's told me this he's been pretty gentle with me, asking how I am, how I slept, if anything's bothering me, and if I want to talk about it. So in a sence he's been taking care of me emotionally. But I still don't know what to do. I know I need to think about it a litte more in terms of deciding what to do. I've never been in such a sticky situation. But I'll keep you posted on what happens. Thank you all so much.
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A
female
reader, Jennilove  +, writes (8 September 2009):
Hi sweeti
First of all - i feel your pain. I was seeing a guy for about six months too, when he suddenly told me he still missed his ex. It still hurts thinking about it.
What can i possibly say to you - what you want me to say (hang in there, it will happen for you both eventually) or the more likely truth (you are his rebound, he may like you a lot, but his ex still has his heart and knowing this will literally torture you and ruin all trust in your already seemingly fragile relationship).
You deserve a strong, trusting, loving, committed relationship - a relationship that doesnt have ex fiancee's still in the picture. You said she and he were still in contact - even though he doesnt want to get back with her - and that he was still close with her family; he needs some distance from his ex and her family, for that matter, if he is ever *truly* going to get over her.
If you can persist with the difficult time he is facing, and bear the possibility that he is subconsciously weighing your current relationship up against his past relationship, then good luck with that. I hope it works out for you, both. If the hurt is too much already though, i can promise you - it will only deepen the longer you let him have hold of your heart.
The fact that he is so emotionally out of reach has probably given you a psychological challenge to be the one who helps him over his ex, and see how amazing *you* are - i know i thought that in my relationship. It didnt work - i ended up feeling paranoid that every time he was with me his 'unresolved issues' meant he wished he was with his ex; insecure; unlovable; unworthy; heartbroken; depressed...
You get the picture? I chose to get out. It was hard trying to get over the guy that i wanted to be with so badly, but i'm glad i did now. I know i couldnt have taken the hurt a minute longer. I'm back to my usual strong, self- confident self; and wont settle for any man until i get 100% commitment from him in return.
I really want the same for you. It would be LOVELY, if you achieved that with your boyfriend, and who knows? its only been six months, not a lifetime. There is hope yet...only you will know how worth it, the long hard rocky road to get there, is going to be! Good luck darlin.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): He came to you on the rebound. Most rebound relationships never work. He is still in love with her and very hurt.You have made a big mistake by pushing him for answers. He has been honest with you, so listen to what he has told you and move on. There's a brighter day around the corner. The longer you stay with him, the more you will be hurt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): I would give your boyfriend some space. He is obviously still in love with his ex and will not be able to return the type of feelings and love you need. You will always be insecure b/c his ex has his heart. Basically you can't take that feeling he has for her away right now. Your best bet is to go on. Don't waste your time trying to conquer something you can't have. I understand you are in love but, you will hurt more not having it returned to you. It's things about you he likes but, it's not the same love feelings he has for his ex. It's a complete difference. You are just the girl to passify the hurt with. Please listen!Speaking from experience!
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (8 September 2009):
Your boyfriend is conflicted here because of all sorts of issues concerning his ex's family and his still deep, lingering feelings for his ex.
He seems to be trying, but not yet striving.
Let me suggest this. You're correct in being patient with him.
One of the best things you can do at this point is sit down with him, quietly and see if you can gain a little more trust.
If he trusts you then he'll open up a bit more about the lingering emotions he still has with his ex-fiancee. It seems to me he really doesn't want that girl in his life and she's holding onto him even though its over between them.
He has to decide for himself, which he has said to you, what he's going to do about this. The problem is, there's another person in his life that deserves his love and his attention, and should help him with this. I know it seems totally counter-intuitive, but the way you can help him is to get to the issue deep down inside him.
The vibe I'm getting from everything you said so far is that he's got some kind of guilt or shame issue going on regarding this girl. Maybe its because he broke off the wedding and feels he did some damage, even though her family still cares a lot about him and seems to have forgiven him. But again, even if this is the case, he hasn't forgiven himself and his ex is not making it easy for him.
You also have to empathize with the ex for a moment. She was committed to him, and invested a great deal of her emotions in what she thought was a life with him in the future. Because of that, she's still hurting too and he can't forget it. Which leads me to guilt and shame as a stumbling block to you and him.
If you can get him to open up about it some more and let you help him, at least the agony he's going through will disappear enough to make more room in his heart for you than the ex.
Its worth a try.
Otherwise, please don't be depressed over this. Be patient, gentle and supportive. That usually wins the day. Remember that this is not your fault and (from what you said) he's trying very hard to deal with it, and at the same time love you.
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