A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in a serious dilehma. I haven't slept more than three hours a day for what seems ages, and I think about it every single waking moment and it's eating a lot of my energy and leaves me exchausted everytime. The problem is, I have been thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend of three years. It's three years of long distance relationship, that has been wonderful no matter the distance. I really love him, and I feel that I still do, but somehow in the back of my mind I know that it might not work out after all. Things are not the same as they used to be, the excitment is over, but my feelings are still there, just a bit changed.He really loves me a lot. He's even talked about marriage a lot of times, he plans out our future together. A year ago I myself was excited about this and shared his thoughts, but now I feel under incredible pressure and as if my whole life's been planned out. I find that I doubt my feelings for him very often, and as a result I began to think of myself as a terrible, horrible person and I just hate myself for that reason.I got accepted in college, and this year I'm about to move even more far away from him. I'm afraid that I will meet someone but I'll have to push them away, even if I do find myself attracted to them. I don't want to break my boyfriend's heart. He'll be crushed and I'll be crushed too because I can't stand watching him suffer. He's been so sweet and gentle and patient that I find breaking up with him to be a crime. But then again, it doesn't feel the same anymore, and I can't be sure whether I love him the same way anymore. Of course I will always love him, and he will have a special place in my heart no one else will ever ever get to be in. After all, he's my first love, my first ever boyfriend, the one I lost my virginity to and the one I've grown to love so much.Breaking up with him will be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I don't know where to start from, where to begin. I'm afraid he might suddenly turn suicidal like he has done before. He's told me that "I'm all he lives for". I care about him too much to lose him that way. I never want to lose contact with him, and I will always support him and give him love, but as a friend. But I just don't know what his reaction will be like. I'm terribly afraid something will go wrong and it'll be my fault.Please, could someone please tell me what I could do? Im pretty much devastated now because I have no idea...
View related questions:
crush, long distance, lost my virginity Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, mab1986  +, writes (12 September 2009):
Wow, I have to say, your situation sounds almost IDENTICAL to mine, so I feel for you. How far exactly are you guys apart, and how often to you see each other? The most important thing I can tell you from my experiences is, do what your heart wants, real love is far more important than lust and wanting to live your life freely. In the end, you'll be glad one day that you have someone special in your life that has lasted, rather than a bunch of flaky guys and one night stands that turn into nothing. Don't break your guys heart, trust me, it's not worth it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): Go on line and look up "Breaking up Relationships." There is a lot of info on how to do it in the most respectful way.Men don't like to hear a lot of detail like women do. Don't criticize him or tell him all the reasons you want to break up. Chances are that if he changed all of it, you still wouldn't want the relationship. It's good that he has talked about marriage because it lets your "inner parts" know it isn't right for you.Don't write a Dear John letter. Don't ignore him. Just level with him; be honest. "We have had a wonderful relationship, but it looks we are going opposite ways. I love you, but I realize our relationship will not progress to a marriage. We need to end the relationship. I want you to know that I appreciate and will cherish what we have had together."Don't try to maintain a friendship. Don't let him sit around thinking he will hear from you.The man I respected most in my life said at the end, "You're a bitch, and it's over." PERIOD. I never wondered if he would call, and it made it easier to move on.
...............................
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (8 September 2009):
 I can't really tell you how sorry I am for your dilemma and his.
Distance crushes relationships. I think you are in love with him, but the problem is that you're very afraid you will lose him for other reasons.
He's told you his dreams, and he sees a future with you. And at one point, you shared that dream with him.
I think what's eating at you is the frustration of having to communicate with him at a distance. At one time you two were deeply committed to keeping this relationship alive. And now, you don't want to hurt him.
But breaking up with him will hurt both of you and it will create so much pain at the same time. For him, if he has invested his emotional energy into your future, it would crush him. And the news of a breakup would be very hard, especially if he's all alone.
I can't see how you can do this easily, no matter what you do. Its obvious that even thinking about it is very painful to you and its disturbed your sleep, made you anxious and you're suffering because of it.
Is there any way that the two of you could meet in person so that you can spend time together? It seems this is what you're missing the most. You fear you might meet someone at school, and then push them away because of this man whom you love. Thereby losing a possibility of having a personal rather than long-distance relationship.
One thing I would suggest, because this man is so valuable to you, is that you try and see what it is that the two of you can do to make your relationship stronger and at the same time, tell him that you miss holding him or seeing him.
Perhaps he is strong enough to let you go without the massive heartbreak and emotional trauma.
I know that if he loves you and you love him, then both of you will do whatever it takes to be together. Maybe its just a small effort to travel once in a while.
Since I don't know how far away he might be, and how hard it is to get to him, I can't say. But its always possible to fix something like this and bring back the spark that was there just a short time ago.
If you look past your fears both in yourselves and each other, there's a way to make the relationship better so you won't have to worry about pushing someone else away, as the thought of finding someone else may not be there later on.
The one thing I do suggest though is that you try and discuss it with him rather than agonizing over it alone. He seems a decent and gentle guy and perhaps maybe he and you can do something to work it out.
...............................
A
male
reader, gunnerlil +, writes (8 September 2009):
Well that's quite a dilemma. A way I could suggest is to write it all down. From how you feel about him to why you don't think it'll work. If then you can't bring yourself to tell him write him a letter, but to be tactfull make sure you're there when he reads it. After make sure you reassure him how much he means to you and how you don't want this to end your friendship. And if he's a good guy he'll understand, of course he'll be devistated, but he'll understand and wont want to lose you as a friend either.
The fact is, you can't think about what might happen if you do break up with him, you have to think about what you want to happen and what will make you happy. A lot of people live their lives tring to impress other people and make them happy and they always for get about number 1.
Hope this helped.
...............................
|
