A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my bf for 2 years and when we met I was a virgin and he had slept with 6 other people. I love him a lot but I find this incredibly hard to deal with sometimes. Sometimes it does't bother me, but when I think about it it weirds me out. I also find it hard because he keeps in contact with people he's slept with and he can't understand how I feel because I have no sexual history with anyone. Any advice?
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male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (26 January 2011):
What happens to you is just normal. And very hard to understand for people who hasn't been there.
If he doesn't stop seeing this ex-girlfriends, things won't be any better.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): I have a crazy radical idea. Maybe people SHOULD want a partner with a sexual history more like their own.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (26 January 2011):
 You got such wonderful advice...
I just wanted to help you put your life in a little extra perspective. I've been with one fella (my husband), and I am number 27 for him. Yes, it feels a little icky. Yes, I know that he won't really understand that my side of our sexual relationship feels a little different from his side. Or at least, he won't know how it feels (he can always try to empathize) But, I am never going to find a man who loves me more in this universe.
You are just going to have to find a way to make this bearable in your head. Find a way to justify and make this feel better for you. I find satisfaction in knowing that he dabbled around, got with me and decided that I was so amazing that he was going to stick with me. 26 women auditioned for this part, and I made the cut!! I was the best for the role, I was the favorite. (I'm a theater major, this is how I process things.)
What you are feeling is totally normal. Here's the thing - as you get older it will become more and more unlikely that you will find someone with less sexual partners than you, so best learn how to process that now! Good luck, sweet thing!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Think about what is important in relationships. Love, earnestness, honesty, willingness, openness, and such. If you have those, then these other things can go by the wayside if you allow the meaningful things to flourish. If this first sexual partner is a great experience, then be thankful that you didn't have to go through more to get to that point and try to be the best sexual partner for him.
It takes maturity and a sound philosophy that you truly believe in to do this.
I have experience with this. All of my sexual partners have had more sexual partners than I have, even the one that was younger than I was by a couple of years.
My spouse has had way more sexual partners than I have (a hundred times as many), I'd have to go crazy for 10 years to catch up. (Why? Because her life was crazy for 15-20 years before she met me.) She has way more trouble with this than I do, she struggles with this, and I don't bring it up one way or another. The fact that I don't have any ego damage because of this helps her but only a little.
The fact that she had her first orgasm with me also points not to the fact that I'm such a great guy (but I most definitely am the most wonderful guy in the world at least in my own opinion...just kidding), but to the fact that finally she began to put some demons to rest, with me, in our relationship, and that all that sex before was not all it was supposed to be, and frankly wasn't what it was supposed to be at all. She is haunted by it to this day after many years of marriage, and it only slowly gets better, she doesn't think that she will ever be able to put it to rest completely. Believe me, you don't want to go there, as impressive as it may be to say that you've had "X" number of partners to the ill informed.
So, don't count your numbers and compare to your boyfriend. Instead, count your blessings every day, if they are there, and if your boyfriend is not of them, then get another boyfriend, and don't assume that more sexual partners means more "satisfaction" as the old song says.
But, don't compare numbers of sexual partners, it isn't constructive to the relationship. Don't worry, if he loves you, and you love him, and you both work to build the relationship constructively, they (the ones prior to you) won't haunt your relationship. If they do haunt your relationship, on your end or on your boyfriends end, then you need to either work with a counselor or work it out in some other way.
Sometimes, one bad sexual partner can haunt you for a lifetime (I've known more than one person who has had that experience...thinking they know what they are getting into and wanting to have sex then finding that the other party has entirely different plans for them that night and going home the next day humiliated and in pain with no witnesses to what happened).
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 January 2011):
 Other than hiring Superman to spin the world around backwards there's nothing to be done about your boyfriend's past. But keeping in contact with past lovers is something altogether different. Is he just old friends with them now? Why exactly are they still in his life?
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A
female
reader, Napalm_Angelripper  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 Im in a similar situation. I have slept with 3 people total, him included, and Ive been in a relationship with all of them.
He on the other hand has slept with at least 30 women. Tbh, had I known about his sexual past earlier, I probably wouldnt have wanted to be in a relationship with him in the first place. I feel kind of dirty being with a guy whos been with so many women ... its almost as if all the hard work I did abstaining from having sex (and believe me, Im an attractive women and have had many, many opportunities, as well as many offers for threesomes and orgies) was all for nothing.
I mean, I didnt know him when he slept with all these girls ... but still, it definitely bothers me. This mostly bothers me because it shows me his true character ... thats not to say he would cheat on me because of his promiscuity, but it makes me question his morals sometimes.
I didnt help, however, as I asked questions regarding his sexual past, about different things hes done, etc, which only helped to aggravate the situation, and in the end it made me feel terrible, and as though I was worth nothing.
These insecurities stemmed from thoughts thinking: Why am I not good enough to be the only one hes ever wanted to sleep with? Its not fair that hes had the opportunity to be with so many people, when Ive turned them down. I was envious of him. I was envious of them. What did he see in them that he didnt see in me? Was I not good enough?
And of course, this exploded into huge arguments. I became very mean and condescending towards him.
Now, I dont know if these are the exact thoughts you are thinking, or if you are feeling along the same line I was, but after a while of researching why I was feeling and thinking this way, I stumbled upon many articles dealing with something called retroactive jealousy.
This is mostly present in men, but obviously there are a few cases with women as well. In fact, there are articles on this very site dealing with the issue, and many Cupids themselves experience this.
I am still feeling the same way, although less, and I am able to rationalize and deal with it more accordingly. However, what I have learned is, when images of him and other girls come into your head, or you start asking yourself why you arent quote-unquote good enough for him, just push these thoughts out of your head. They are irrational thoughts, and therefore cannot be dealt with rationally. The more you dwell on these thoughts and images, the more hurt you will feel.
Also, dont ask him about any more sexual things in his past if you dont think you can handle it. He had a life before you, and there is no wrong in that. He shouldnt be at fault for having feelings of lust and or love for other people ...
Im sure when you reflect on people youve had crushes on in the past, you as well would have liked to have been with them, or have sex with them, but for some reason, it just didnt work out. But never the less, those feelings of lust or love were still there.
Anyway, there are more people out there who can explain this more properly. Just research retroactive jealousy in the search bar, and you should be ready to go.
Best of luck to you,
We can make it through this
-The Resident Metalhead
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (25 January 2011):
You're feeling the effects of retrograde jealousy. There are many similar questions on this site, packed with helpful information. The bottom line, though, is that this is something you'll have to learn to accept, or it will ultimately ruin your relationship. Your boyfriend can't change his past, it is a part of who he is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): dont do it dont sleep with him he a std breeder
break up with him and get outta there please babe ive been through this situation x
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (25 January 2011):
Stop letting the number of women he's slept with bother you. What's happened in the past has happened and there's nothing you can do to change that. It's not a competition of who sleeps with the most people.
What happens now you can do something about. You are right to be unhappy about him staying in contact. Ask him why he does so and tell him it upsets you.
If he's not prepared to stop contact, then prepare to dump him.
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