A
female
age
36-40,
*atcher00
writes:I've only been with him for 2 months and have only known him for about 4 months. We work together. I just started. He's been with the company for 3 years. He's 28, about to be 29 in a matter of weeks. He comes from a very good family--I don't mean super wealthy, but upper-middle class. His brother went to a very good high school and college. My bf went to a similar type of private high school in Manhattan, the kind you have to apply to like a college... and he went to a pretty decent college. Not that it matters too much about his brother, but he went on to land a very good job making six figures. Now my bf told me that he had wanted to be on the radio...he told me this the first night we met. idk if he meant that was a serious career goal, or former career goal, or if it was just a childhood fantasy. But He started at our company in the lowest position they can put a man: barely above switchboard operator..he was in the information center. He got a promotion over the summer, but his job still isn't great, and he doesn't seem to have any aspiration of rising above or moving on...I can't even really put a label on what he does..I think he recruits student membership and answers his boss' phone. Which is fine. He just got an apartment and is moving out of his parent's house in a few weeks, but he said something which really concerns me. I told him it might be smarter for him to live at home for another 2 years and save money up so he could PURCHASE a home instead of spending $600 a month to rent, which is flushing $$ down the toilet..and he told me he wasn't even sure if he'd be able to purchase a home...which to me is unacceptable bc he's going to be 29 and he basically told me he's not sure if he could ever buy a house. And he's not even gonna try. Should I be really concerned? It's strange because I dont know what he did from college graduation to age 25 when he got the job with this company..there's a bit of a hole there. I know I can just "ask" him but I am a new gf and don't want to put pressure on him or come across like I'm too concerned with monetary matters or make him feel like I'm interviewing him...but how could someone who went to a good high school and college end up with such a mundane, low-paying job and no apparent drive to reach higher?Oh, he is a pretty good employee in that he always shows up, and is always on time... but as far as his job duties go, he's really not enthusiastic about it at all... Both of his parents had decent jobs when he was growing up. I wonder if he has ambition he's keeping hidden from me, or if he really doesn't have any? If not, I don't think I could be with someone who could settle for mediocrity...Also, he's incredibly cheap with me...
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male
reader, sausalito +, writes (11 January 2012):
catcher00..Have a similar situation, but from the other side - I'm the guy who couldn't find his focus till now. Here's the post:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/we-broke-up-because-she-is-a-go56.html
Just wanted to know your thoughts
A
female
reader, catcher00 +, writes (26 April 2011):
catcher00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you, Drew, for taking the time to lend some insightful input.
Well, first of all, your "unrelated" point--the high school degree. lol I'm from Pittsburgh (Pennsylvania for all of our international friends,) which is a blue collar town and I absolutely went to the regular public school and don't value my high school degree at all. But my bf is from New York and he decided to go to a private Manhattan high school which is much like the university level, as you have to apply, take tests, get letters of rec., and write essays, maybe even interview (I'm not sure about that part, prob for the more prestigious ones...) anyway, I just included that bc it's another asset that he can bring to the table when applying for jobs. It's also a reflection of his intelligence and the strong importance that his family placed on education. So I'm wondering what happened to that drive?
Now to your more important question about us as a couple: He is the most caring guy I've ever dated. He is sensitive, loving, loyal, faithful, funny..everything (else) a partner should be. But I'm not looking for a stay-at-home dad type!
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A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (26 April 2011):
 ...it sounds like this relationship may be doomed before it starts.
What is it about him that you find attractive?
Really, it sounds like you 2 have very different personality types. You have a lot of drive and ambition and a will to succeed. He, apparently, doesn't. The question becomes: Could you stand to be with a guy like that?
I would ask him about about his ambitions. See what he wants to do with his life. Let him know about the apparent importance you place on wanting to know what your goals are.
As far as the rent-vs-buy: eh i guess it could depend on what stage you are at in your life. If he has never had any independence from his family before, a solid first step is to get out of your parent's home and rent an apartment.
I've known some people (like myself) for whom this WAS the first step. I've known other people that had your line of thought, which was to spend a couple extra years at home until you could afford to purchase a house of your own. Again, i would ask him about this.
Of course, for efficiencies sake, your "save to buy a house" strategy makes sense, but sometimes efficiency and monetary concerns aren't what it's all about for people. It may just be that he wants a taste of independence, ya know?
I would be really interested in knowing what you find attractive about this guy, cause there are a lot of alarms here in the differing viewpoints you have!
Finally, and really mostly unrelated:
I find your concern over high school institutions to be quite intriguing. In my experience, the majority of the continent doesn't really view what high school you went to as being important. (I know things are funky in New York, there. I dated a girl who attended Stuyvesant High School in NY, and it honestly blew my mind how much she valued the degree of her high school education. She treated it like a college alma mater. It was quite strange, honestly! Where i grew up, a high school is a high school is a high school, ya know?)
Is it just a NY thing? Or does this take place in other areas of the USA, as well?
End aside. I wish you the best of lucK!
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