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female
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anonymous
writes: I've been seeing my 22 year old boyfriend for almost 3 months, and last night I learned that he has slept with 6 girls in his past. I'm a 21 year old virgin, and knew that he had had sex before, but I feel so differently now that I know his history. I really like him, and he's very sweet and doesn't pressure me at all to do anything (he knows i'm a virgin), but I dont know if i can look beyond his past. I feel intimidated now that I won't live up to the other girls he's slept with, or that I even want to lose my virginity eventually to someone who gave his away so easily. How can I not let his past bother me so much and worry that I'm just going to be #7 on his list. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sparks +, writes (19 May 2006):
 I think someone’s past is not “just the past”, like something that can be overlooked and ignored. The past actually tells you a lot about the general outlook on life, values, and principles the person strives for. I find it very important to see how people have behaved, reacted to mistakes, etc. A person’s life is not made of only the present and the future, nor only of good things. The personal history we all have is an important part of our life I believe should be shared with loved ones.
Note we are normally keen on informing people about our good achievements and proficient results, so why should the negative bits be hidden under the carpet? Sincerity is the first step for a healthy relationship.
Thus the inevitable past talk with a girlfriend is something I always look forward to. Then we will judge whether or not we’re both willing to tolerate the parts we don’t like.
The sexual past is an old problem. Many people deal well with it, whilst others get truly disturbed and perhaps even jealous.
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In your case, firstly, one needs to note how you view sex. If you are a conservative girl, you may feel a guy in his early 20s with six previous partners has a more liberal approach and that might bother you. It may be a problematic incompatibility.
Also, the preoccupation of living up to his standards is a valid concern, as people end up making comparisons consciously or subconsciously. Your boyfriend may be an emotional type of guy, that puts less emphasis on bedroom performance, or he may be a sex-orientated person expecting a lot from your intimacies. That’s something you will have to judge, and if it makes you feel uncomfortable, you may have an issue.
I believe couples have better chances of working out when there’s balance in as many fronts as possible. Sex evidently is one of them. This means ideally divorced people should find divorced people, singles with children should find singles with children, people with an eye for promiscuity should find promiscuous partners, and so on. Likewise, conservative people should look out for conservative people. Why? Because that makes the mutual understanding a lot easier.
That being said, in your case, you have two options: either you learn to deal with your concerns and ignore your boyfriend’s past (it may be tough), or you may find a guy that has a similar sexual past and approach (few partners or none just like you).
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2006): When i met my B/F i was a virgin and he had a past and that is exactally what it is the past.As long as he respects the fact you are a virgin and dont rush or pressure you then everything should be fine.If anything if he truelly loves you then he will be flattered that he will be your first and if anything its all up to you just take your time until you are ready and if he is the one then he will wait for you.GOOD LUCK :-)
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (18 May 2006):
 This is a difficult decision indeed.
I suggest voicing your feelings and concerns to your boyfriend. You might find that if he makes a big effort to make your feel special then these feelings subside. How he reacts is important: if he belittles your issues (eg 'oh thats no big problem') then be careful, it's important that he respects your feelings even if he can't understand them. However if he treats you with concern over this, and does his best to help you deal with it, then thats a great sign.
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey  +, writes (18 May 2006):
 If you are worried about being just another notch on your boyfrind's bedpost, and feel reluctant to give up your virginity to him, then my advice would be not to sleep with him until you feel more secure in the relationship.
If his past is haunting you, maybe you should find another b/f who has less sexual experience and fewer previous partners. He is unable to change the past and what's done is done, it's for you to decide if you can put his past sexual encounters to the back of your mind and enjoy the relationship YOU have with him. I really wouldn't worry about not living up to anyone elses proformances in the bedroom, your b/f knows you are a virgin and so I would imagine he will take this into consideration and guide you into making love in your own way and in your own time.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (18 May 2006):
 First of all, I think it is good that he has communicated his sexual past to you. At least you two are able to discuss such sensitive matters! Only you can decide if he is perhaps exaggerating the number of ladies he has slept with (some people feel obliged to add to the number even if it back fires on them). Secondly, you have to remember that your boyfriend is with you because he likes you, and as you say he doesn't put the pressure on for sex. Only you can decide if you want to lose your virginity to him but you shouldnt be put off by his past. He knows you are a virgin and most men would be very flattered that they were special enough to lose it to.
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