A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship for five years, and cheating has never been something I was concerned about. But about six months ago my boyfriend made a new friend through a club at colleg, and they became close friends real quickly. They talk all the time and sometimes Facetime for hours. I asked him about it, and he assured me that there were no feelings there. I believe him because I have no reason not to, but their friendship makes me uncomfortable still. I noticed that he calls her on his way home from work sometimes or late at night for hours (like 3 or 4 times a week).. Things are still normal between us, but he doesn't call me as much since he's become friends with her. He's really busy so the evenings are really the only free time he has, but he will call me for 20 minutes and call her for 2/3 hours. I told him that I feel like he cares more about his friendship than our relationship and he apologized and said that's not the case. He told me that he would be more conscious to make an effort in our relationship. We spent the weekend walking around the city together and enjoying each other's company. So that was nice. But he told me he was going to call me after making dinner tonight, and it's over two hours later and around the time they talk on the phone. I don't know what to do or how to make it more clear that I feel ignored or unimportant. Like I said I don't think he's cheating because I would bet my soul he wouldn't be able to (past relationships of his ended badly from them cheating). And I know men and women can be friends, but I just feel uncomfortable. Am I just being jealous and paranoid? How do I make it more clear that he needs to care more about our relationship? I don't want something this stupid to condemn our great relationship.
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female
reader, Bubsy  +, writes (19 October 2017):
 Torally WRONG of him
You are just being the observer because it doesnt add up and its inapropriate and questionable
I would live my life as if his not even a part of it,
Do my thing,give him the cold shoulder and ignore him
I would join MEET UP to make new friends and go on different outings with them
I would play his game
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 September 2017):
 You cannot ask him to stop contacting her completely. Your problem is not her, your problem is that you feel you and him are running out off things to talk about and have things in common. Although I would say that 2 to 3 hours is excessive am guessing he has told you about this otherwise you wouldn't know. I don't think you have anything to worry about, but you could ask him to cut down the contact with the girl as it makes you feel uncomfortable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here. Thanks for all of your input guys... I'm glad to hear that I'm not being paranoid or jealous. There are a few things I need to clarify:
1. We do not live together because he's currently in a PhD program. We've talked about marriage but agreed to wait until we both can afford to sacrifice the time and money to get married. (I'm in a PhD program too at a different University, so while we don't live extremely far from each other most of our communication occurs over telephone and on weekends when we alternate and drive to see each other).
2. The friend is also in a similar program, but the club only meets once or twice a month. It's more of an organization geared toward people in their overall field of study/research. So they actually don't see each other a lot. Like us, all of their communication occurs over the phone, etc.
3. She knows about me definitely because I've said hello to her on the phone before, when he placed her speaker phone, and I've heard him talk about me to her (nothing bad just things we did that day and stuff like that.) He has other friends that are girls, and I have friends that are guys because we understand that we can be friends with whoever. He treats her exactly the same as he treats his other girl friends from what I see... minus the excessive communication.
4. He doesn't call her every day. He will talk to her for 2 or 3 hours maximum 4 times a week. It's usually 2 or 3 times a week. I've heard conversations that they have and it's a lot of discussion about professors and people in their programs that annoy them or that they're friends with. Or sometimes they'll talk about how they're so stressed out about deadlines. And they also follow the same shows (that I don't watch), so they talk about characters and show theories. Stuff like that.
5. The girl is constantly going on dates. She got out of a longterm relationship a few years ago, but she has had a good amount of dates in the last few months. I've heard her talking about them, and which ones go well and which don't.
I'm glad that he finally found a friend who understands the struggles that he goes through in his program because I certainly don't. We're in VERY different programs, and when he talks to me about it I try and help/offer advice but I don't actually know what it's like. So when they became friends I was happy because I would hear him talking about his problems with her, and he'd come to tell me what advice she gave him and whatnot. The first time I voiced my concerns he apologized, assured me nothing was going on and admitted he could see why I thought that, and consciously began telling me exactly what they were talking about (because a lot of it was texting at first & I almost prefer the calling because the texting seemed sneaky). He's extremely smart but is oblivious sometimes. He is always understanding and we pride ourselves on open communication.
I think it just makes me sad that I he can actively text back and talk to her, but he can barely hold conversations with me lately. I don't want to tell him to stop being friends with her right away- mainly because he has felt similarly in the past about my guy friends and didn't do that- but eventually if this extensive conversing doesn't stop I'm going to have to ask him to stop talking to her period.
Thank you for all of your help guys. You've definitely put things into perspective for me and have given me a lot of options to choose from.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 September 2017):
 2 or 3 hours every night on the phone with his new friend ? since the last 6 months ?.
You are not being paranoid. This is absurd. Completely unacceptable.
I can understand very well the excitement of finding a new friend, meeting someone who is on your wavelength and seems to " get " you effortlessly. But 2 or 3 hours every day? And detracting time , focus and energies from your relationship ? No way.
That would not be acceptable even if the new friend were a male ! In which case , though, I doubt they would be spending all this time on the phone. Because the new friend would think that your bf must be gay and have ulterior motives for living in such an intense, slightly maniacal way what should be just a normal social interaction. Btw, I wonder what the girl feels about it ? Is she comfortable in spending all this time and seeking all this closeness with a guy who's in a relationship ? Doesn't she see anything unusual in it ?.. Does she even know that you exist ? Did he introduce you to her, did you get to hang out all together ? If not,.. WHY not ?
Yeah, talk to him. And not hat-in-hand. Lay down the law. F..k "paranoia" and "jealousy" , of which I am pretty sure he will accuse you. That's not even the point : loyalty is not just making sure that you do not put your penis in other women's orifices. Loyalty is also always remembering the respect and consideration you owe to your partner , both substantially ( intent ) and formally ( behaviour ).
By making you compete with a stranger for " best friend " and " most important relationship in his life "- he is already disrespecting you. This should not be something that you have to negotiate about.
I have to tell you though that , if I am honest, I am not too optimistic about the outcome of your talks. Because, I mean , it does not take Dear Abby , or Mr. Sensitivity, to understand that what he is doing is inappropriate. I bet he knows ;and if he knows and does it anyway, I guess it may also mean that he has alreday checked out emotionally from the relationship, and is not particularly afraid of losing you.
But, it's worth a try. Maybe he is just a bit clueless and thick, as young males can be at times :) .
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2017): You're not being paranoid here and the only thing stupid about this are his actions with this new friend. I mean seriously, he has to make a conscious effort to put more into your relationship, yet he effortlessly puts way more time into his new friendship?! This is not at all normal.
I'm with WiseOwlE. Don't play games. Have a serious conversation with him. Tell him exactly how you feel and don't hold anything back because you feel you may lose him. If he is unable or unwilling to give you the majority of his time and attention and her the 20 minutes time on occasion (no face time!) then dump him because likely he will end up dumping you for her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2017): I am a female, with a few good guy friends. I never would talk to them for 2-3 hours DAILY (or ever!), let alone FaceTime regularly or otherwise. The only man I talk to for hours is my boyfriend, video chat et al. My girlfriends,I talk to for hours on end. The dynamics are differentWhere am I going with this? There is an intimacy involved in spending this much contact time with a person. This is highly inappropriate for a person in a relation. It screams lack of boundaries and yes, taking you for granted. 20 mins with you (gf of 5 yrs) vs talking all the time with an opposite sex friend? What is the need for video chat? This is not friendship, there is an infatuation at best and genuine interest to pursue more at worst (highly probable)Either way,this spells trouble if not nipped in the bud. I'm unsure how you can tolerate this, trust your gut. You're uncomfortable for a reason.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2017): **Scratching my head!** He grants you your 20 minute-call; but they talk for 2-3 hours. Yet there's nothing going on?
Maybe he means it's still in the works.
I'm just not feeling this excessive time Face-timing and chatting. It gives me heat-rash.
Hey, he's entitled to have friends. Must they be girls? I can't see why their budding-friendship cuts into your time? How can it be innocent? You're begging and competing for more attention. Doesn't seem she has to.
Does she know he has a girlfriend? Have you ever met her?
Why does he have to make more effort to spend more time with you; when he doesn't seem to have much trouble chatting-up a storm for hours with his "new....clearing my throat... friend???"
I don't feel comfortable telling OP's to play tit-for-tat. I think it's best to just be adult and avoid games. Address the issue one last time; and give him a chance to correct it. If you see no change; then you have to make a grown-up decision.
It's difficult telling women to be direct and lay-down ultimatums to their boyfriends; then follow-through with an action. You feel you love him, and think you can "negotiate" more time and attention; with someone who expects you to be monogamous and faithful to him. Meanwhile; he's growing what he's calling a "new friendship."
Lay down the law. It's either you or her. No more hourly calls, and absolutely none when he's with you. Which means he will make up excuses to be away; to allow him free-time and privacy to spend with her.
My advice? You've already addressed it. Dump him; or just wait until he dumps you. You shouldn't have to ask him for attention and respect. It should be given freely.
Guys don't go out and coincidentally find females for friends; when they have girlfriends. I guess he feels they have more to talk about, and share more in-common. I guess you have no choice, but to take his word for what's happening? Right?
You can play second-fiddle. Wait around until you hear from him; so you can confront him and complain. Maybe just sit by the phone waiting to hear from him. While you wait to see how long before he finds more reasons to spend more time with her, and less time with you.
Two to three hours? Seriously?!!
So...what's it going to be?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2017): Why aren't you spending evenings and nights together? Talking about marriage? You've been together for 5 years and your age shows as 26-29. He's still at college? How old is he?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2017): Being honest this to me doesn't sound like wanting a new friend .. and why a female one at that .. can't he find a new male friend .. I think there is a difference if say that had been friends for years and they chatted now and then .. but daily for hours with an opposite sex friend is not a friendship and being honest he can wrap it up and present it to you in any shape way or form . They are not friends .. not in his eyes .. He has a gf .. there is boundaries that as a couple you don't cross . This is one .. hours on a phone .. give me a break .Me I would play him at his own game . I would make up a guy if I had to ( don't like fibbing but look at like an experiment ) Start by saying Oo I went such such example Pete at the coffee shop today . He used to work for. Make it a company that your bf won't know of and he accidentally bumped me.. so he apologised we got chatting and I said how much I was into ... pick a subject you like to research like family history or something and so is he was after chatting he's gave me his phone number and says he really like me as a friend . Wait and see what he says .. if he's like Oo lovely etc as he still caught up in ms newbie.. just smile carry on Day two say Pete rung and he's ringing me back at ... so I can't be on the phone long sweetie . Then don't text or call him straight for 2.5 hours .Wait on his reaction after you do text .. plus do not tell him the conversation that you and Pete are having . Just say it was such fun and how amazing that he knows about this stuff .. keep it light . And if he pushes say Oo the conversation is diverse you know how it is .. Next evening Pete calls the sameIf he whines tell him ooo yes sweetie I will make more time for you but you know what it's like - and your not bothered leaving me all that time .. so why should you be .. If he doesn't whine or reach out about it . You have your answer .. if he does get him around for a chat and lay it on the table No what he's doing is wrong He is treating her above a friendship and if that how he feels I would tell him to heave hoo now If he does want you both to stay together . He drops her fully !!as this isn't a friendship it's a mating court ship hence all the hours on the phone and that's fine if your single .. he isn't .. he's your bf .. your not jel your territorial over what's yours . You can tell him; it's so laughable but it's your life and what he expects you not to do the same.. give over If he can't do this or not won't . Then if I were you I'd be done . There plenty of guys out there so I wouldn't let him think he's the only one ..
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (26 September 2017):
 Have you met your boyfriend's new friend? If not, why not?
Make that your priority, suggest your boyfriend invite her to join you both for coffee or a light lunch somewhere neutral.
To be honest I don't think you are being paranoid. I cant see any man of his age acting the same with a new MALE friend, and while it may all be above board from his perspective if the other woman is at all perceptive and knows he has a girlfriend SHE should be recognising their communications are not normal.
Try Honeypie's suggestions but if they have no effect after a couple of weeks, prepare yourself for heartbreak.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (26 September 2017):
Have you met your boyfriend's new friend? If not, why not?
Make that your priority, suggest your boyfriend invite her to join you both for coffee or a light lunch somewhere neutral.
To be honest I don't think you are being paranoid. I cant see any man of his age acting the same with a new MALE friend, and while it may all be above board from his perspective if the other woman is at all perceptive and knows he has a girlfriend SHE should be recognising their communications are not normal.
Try Honeypie's suggestions but if they have no effect after a couple of weeks, prepare yourself for heartbreak.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (25 September 2017):
 He calls her for 2-3 hours? This is not normal in any way and I'm surprised you're this accepting of things. If he's not cheating then exactly what is he doing? Leading her on that's for sure! And are you telling me that it's acceptable for a person in a relationship to talk to a new "friend" of the opposite sex for hours on end?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 September 2017):
 Since you have already told him in so many ways how you feel and he doesn't seem to "get it" - I'd try and give him a bit of his own medicine.
When he calls. make it a SHORT and SWEET call. Don't give him 20 minutes. Give him 5.
Set up plans with friends and be busy with hobbies, school, work, family... whatever. Be a little absent from the relationship. SEE if he notices and if he says anything.
Then simply tell him (if he feels "neglected" ) that THIS is how you have felt with is new "friend. He might NEED to actually be in your shoes to figure this out.
While I GET having new and exiting friends are great, he is CHOOSING to put a LOT of effort, energy and time into ANOTHER woman. Now he may not cheat on you physically... but he is making YOU less of a priority than she is. And how is that fair?
Now I wouldn't suggest you run around with male friends, only that you get VERY busy in your life doing things you enjoy. Pull back a little. Your BF is taking you for granted and honestly... acting quite the selfish guy. He has you, and you two have been an item for so long that he doesn't really understand why you can't be satisfied with what you get from him.
And he might not intend on cheating but if all this Facetime and what not is just with ONE new girl from this club than it's more about HER than the club they both attend.
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