A
female
age
22-25,
*ameless11
writes:I am currently 16 and live in Victoria Australia and my boyfriend is 20 from punjabi india.All aspects of our relationship is legalWe have been together for just under a year and my parents don't know i plan on telling them when i am 18 but his parents know and they love me. For my age i am extremely mature and generally am around older people.The reason my parent are unaware of the relationship is because they would flip out about the age unless i am 18 and my dad is a bit racist and says no blacks. i feel like he would be mildly ok with him cause i have previously dated an asian and he isn't black.I feel like hiding is the worst thing to do but i also dont want to ever loose him i am his first everything. We are getting very serious and his mum and him were discussing a proposal for after my parents find out.If there is any parents out there who can tell me how they would feel if they were my parents and five me tips it would be really appreciated Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 September 2017):
 Honey everyone thinks they are mature at 16 but the truth is you are only starting out in life. You should not be lying to your parents, if they flip out it is because you are their teenage girl they love you and want to protect you. It is worrying his parents are talking about marriage. A four year gap between you is massive at your age. Please don't wait another two years be honest with your parents, its the only way forward.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (26 September 2017):
 OP, the reason you can't lie to your parents or keep secrets from them is that you become vulnerable. If anything were to happen to you, your parents wouldn't know anything about this boy, his family or the fact that they are talking about marriage with a minor who probably won't even be with their son in a couple of years. Police need accurate information and you're not giving your parents any.Your parents are legally responsible for you until you're 18. Doing things like this are dangerous and take away their right to know and ability to protect you. Yes, it seems like they'd just be controlling, but it's a safety issue, not a maturity one. We could give you dozens of links to articles where girls your age "fell in love" with older guys and didn't tell their parents, then went missing. Please, OP, don't be irresponsible about this - tell your parents and take the consequences.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (26 September 2017):
 Dear Op,
I don't think that being in this type of a situation is very wise at your age.
The fact that you and this guy and not to mention his parents, are already discussing marriage and what not just seems a bit odd and something in my gut tells me that something isn't right here.
My advice is that in all honesty, you should watch yourself and watch your back and especially; do not keep such big secrets from your parents. In fact, don't keep any secrets from them as they may be able to help you out better than we can since they know you better.
Relationships at your age rarely ever last for as long as you're hoping that it will last so don't get your hopes up too much or you will be let down big time should things not work out after all.
Indian parents don't just open up to their children dating westerners so the fact that these parents are okay with it just seems really odd if I'm being honest. In fact, Indian people can't even date freely within their own race because of different religions and different socio-economic backgrounds and such so I just feel like this situation just really doesn't seem right unless they have other intentions which very much is a possibility at this point and the fact that you're so young makes it even more dangerous because you can easily get taken advantage of at your age.
My overall advice is to speak to someone that you trust about it and seek their help as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2017): Um,I am of Indian ethnicity,and this is not how it is done in our culture. That is to say, the boy's parents don't secretly talk of proposals without knowledge of the girl's parents.It is highly inappropriate,not to mention presumptuous of them and taking into consideration you are only 16! What is their rush and why aren't they being upfront.To be honest, reading this,I neither trust the 20yr old nor his parents.They don't have honorable intentions. And who is to say you would feel the same way in two years? At your age, a four year gap is pretty big. Talk to your parents. If I had a 16 year old daughter in such a relation,I would be extremely concerned. The lack of trust, the rush to marriage while you are still underage...it is troubling to me.Your dad being racist has nothing to do with anything here. Don't muddy the issue with this needless info. The guy's race has nothing to do with his and his family's questionable behavior.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2017): You want parental-advice? No you don't. If you need advice from a parent, ask yours!
Nothing is more untrustworthy than having secret relationships behind their backs. Their job is to protect you from bad judgement-calls. Racist or not; your dad has to know when older-guys are dating his daughter; and who they are.
Parents don't like their children hiding secrets from them!
Maneuvering your way around their right to know what's going on in your life. Only because you don't want to give them any say about it; until you know they have no choice in the matter. A lot of awful things could happen that they're totally unaware of. You plan to keep-up a lie until you're 18!
You better be an A-student, honor curfews, do your chores; and otherwise be an absolute angel. They are going to be very disappointed and angry with you.
You're showing your parents disrespect. You're also plotting secret relationships behind their backs; when they have legal responsibility for your safety and welfare as a minor. Yet you're telling us about legalities.
When they finally find-out about the relationship; they will be upset; because you circumvented their right to know who you're spending your time with. It no doubt that you have lied about your whereabouts and who you were with. Maintaining secrets from parents require lies; because you have to account for your time and who you're with.
You want advice from parents? Get if from your own!!! Your dad will lose it. He will be totally justified, and it's your fault.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 September 2017):
I'm sorry, OP, but a mature person wouldn't date someone behind their parents' backs. They care about you and lots of people can't date until they are 18.Not only that, but marriage shouldn't be something you're discussing yet. His mother is doing it because it's part of their culture, but you aren't a part of that. It could work out when you're both adults, but a decent parent would be advising their son not to see you until you come clean to your parents. Enabling you is a bad sign.He is 20 and, compared to him, you are still a child - despite being legally old enough to consent. A 20 year old shouldn't see a 16 year old as dateable, no matter how mature she is.Please, OP; I know every fibre of your being will scream "rebel against the advice; they're wrong - I'm mature, we love each other", but we're talking from experience.I think you should either break up until you're over 18 or own up to your parents. If you won't do either, you're not as mature as you think.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 September 2017):
 I think you REALLY should talk to your parents. While your relationship is "legal" from the standpoint of the law I think your parents need to know what is going on and have a say in all this.
You are 16. I'm sorry MARRIAGE is the LAST thing that should be on your mind. You have your WHOLE life ahead of you. Statistically, people who marry this young (arranged or not) RARELY make it more than a couple of years. Why? Because you are still a child. You still have a lot of maturing to do. If you think you are mature.... Then you wouldn't have handled this by hiding it. A kid would.
Like Auntie BimBim, I would be utterly disappointed and devastated that my child would make these choices at age 16 and think I shouldn't know.
What would the plan be? To marry and then move to India? How much do you actually know about his culture?
I wouldn't be disappointed in any of my kids dating someone who has a different cultural or ethnical background but it would be a concern if they did so in ignorance.
I have 3 daughters 13, 15, and 17. I wouldn't approve of them dating guys 4 years their senior. Maybe my 17-year-old, if she were more mature. But I do believe in them having to try and use GOOD sense and COMMON sense. I hope I have (so far) raised them to be thoughtful of their own actions.
I have a niece who is BARELY 21 with 2 kids, who is about to get divorced. It lasted 3 years. Now she hid it from everyone as well because I think she new it wasn't a smart decision to marry OR have kids barely out of high school. She did it anyway. And here we are. She lost one kid (her in-laws are raising her oldest child) and my guess is she will lose custody of your newborn fairly soon. She still gets to see and spend time with her oldest child. HOW do you think YOU would fare if you married and moved to India? How would your children fare?
If you are going to do "grown-up things" you need to act like one and have a grown-up conversation with your parents.
You have to consider your future too. It's naive to think all you have to do is get married and boom happily ever after. What about education? Work?
In short, I'd be pretty sad if my kids had so little trust in me or respect for me that they thought NOT telling me about something as BIG as this isn't something they want to share.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (25 September 2017):
 As a parent I would extremely concerned about the influence of the man's parents on my 16 year old daughter, I would also be very angry at those parents organising my daughter's marriage while I remained ignorant of the relationship.
I would not be trusting those people ... and I would be wondering what their motives were. I would, as a mother, totally understand if my daughters father or brothers expressed a wish to punch people on the nose.
I would be disappointed in my daughter ..you say you have dated an Asian in the past and your father was okay with it ... your father might be better educated than you and know that India is part of Asia ...
As a mother a marriage or engagement of my daughter to some man I have not had opportunity to learn to know and respect would worry me greatly. As a mother I would wonder where I had gone wrong in raising that daughter .... my dreams and wishes for the daughter included travel, education, a career and gaining knowledge and skills to carry her through her teen and young adult years into womanhood.
As a parent I would be concerned my child had been manipulated by the man's parents and that the possible aim was total estrangement from me. There would be zero trust for the man or his parents and a total lack of respect.
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