A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has a crush on another girl. Is there anything he can do to not have the crush deepen? I asked him to remain aquaintences with her and not to become friends, but he says that is unreasonable and I have no right to tell him who to be friends with. I don't know what to do in this situation.
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female
reader, RennieGeek  +, writes (26 September 2010):
Even with your added explanation, it sounds to me like he is trying to find more ways to be around her. I've done a similar thing and know how it plays out. He'll leave you if he ever thinks he has a chance with her.
He can be an aquaintence with her and still not be her friend. Friend implies spending time and talking to just her. He may be insecure, or not know how to end it with you just yet. I don't like the situation for you at all. I say get out before you get heartbroken.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): Hmm... I have been in this situation, except I was the girl at the office. Working together all day then socialising together unavoidably builds the attraction and I had a crush on him too, unspoken. When he eventually 'confessed' his feelings, I was actually reasonably honorable and refused to be the 'other' woman and condone cheating, and even stopped joining the social events (even though I was a recent solo immigrant so had no other local friends, similar to your boyfriend). Ultimately he ended it with his then girlfriend and several months later we started dating.
The reason I'm telling you this is even if she doesn't encourage him, its all in the hands of your boyfriend. If he chooses continued socializing with this girl, then he is not choosing you; as said below, he's keeping you for now. I'd have it out with him. If its you he wants then there are plenty of other avenues to pursue a social life, and you should actually help him in this if you are his choice. Evening classes, sports teams/clubs, frequenting a 'local' pub/coffee place, professional networking events, using meetup.com type networks, also your girlfriends other halves.
Best wishes to you, and don't ever be the reserve.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): (original poster)
Well, he SAYS that he only loves me and would never cheat on me, and that he would not pursue this person romantically. Apparently, this "crush" means that he is attracted to her and would date her if they were both single. (I interpreted it as that he actually liked her since that's what I thought a crush was)
He says that he cannot NOT be friends with her because she's part of a group of people that he works with and the group seems to do everything together. Since my boyfriend has no other friends (long story involving moving across the country) here, he says that if he doesn't become friends with her, he can't become friends with anyone else in that group, and that effectively, I am not allowing him to be friends with ANYONE from that group.
I don't have any experience with this type of situation. I don't know what other people would do (one person said for him to not talk to her at all, but that's not realistic since they work together). He says that there is nothing wrong with him being attracted to someone else and he is going to do absolutely nothing about it. I'm worried that with more time (and becoming "friends"), his crush will deepen into actual romantic feelings (if they aren't already there), and then he will break up with me to pursue her (this way, there is no cheating involved). So - I don't know what I can do or ask him to do.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 September 2010):
 The very essence of a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship is that the boyfriend is only interested in the girlfriend. If it's confirmed that he has a romantic interest in a new girl, it's within your right to question his desire to have more access to her.
He's trying to invoke another principle to justify his actions, but that would only apply if you were trying to isolate him from his existing friends or are trying to block him from any kind of social life or were being hyper about everyone he knew who wasn't a guy. I don't see that happening.
You have a situation here where your boyfriend is interested in someone else. Most people would find that to be an untenable situation. You could stand up for yourself and tell him that you're not happy with another girl taking the spot in his heart that you should have, but even if you succeed in having him not see her it won't change the fact that he's still interested in someone else.
I would give him what he wants. Let him go. He shouldn't have the luxury of chasing after some girl while hedging his bets with you. CaringGuy is right. I would dump him. He may grovel and ask for you back, but could you live with someone you know considers you second best to whoever catches his fancy?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 September 2010):
Well, if he does have a crush on her and is looking to befriend her when you're not comfortable, then it's safe to say that he's chasing her and keeping you around just in case she says no. So, you can either stay and risk him leaving for her, or you can just dump his inconsiderate ass. You don't have the right to choose his friends, but you do have the right to insist he doesn't see a woman he fancies. If he continues to take it further, then he doesn't have enough respect for you and you need to leave.
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