A
female
age
36-40,
*nora
writes:hi, so i have a bf which really loves me and i feel great with him, but my boyfriend in the past had one relationship with a man and i really cant accept this thing. if it was you would you stay with him? however he confessed that it was his only relationship, as all the other were with girls. what do you think? i appreciate your help . Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): Whatever questions about his sexuality you want him to answer, the only way to get any answers is to ask him the questions! And obviously do it in a friendly sympathetic way, though it does sound as if things are pretty good between you. Hope it works out.
A
female
reader, anora +, writes (29 May 2009):
anora is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmm we ve been for morew than a year now and everything seems fine. but i really wish to ask him more questions about his sexuality although everthing seems fine about us but its difficult to ask certain uqestions ...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): No one here is questioning his honesty and no one said he did anything wrong. The OP just asked what we would do in her situation and we were honest and our personal preferences aren't wrong. I'm not horrified at gay relationships at all, I just wouldn't have sex with a man that's been with another man. I'm straight and I would want someone else that was straight because I want someone like me. I'm not religious so I wouldn't take offense at someone who was very religious that didn't want to be with me for that reason. They want someone like them.
I would also not be with someone that had a different cultural background either, too many complications. I'm white and my ex whom I have a child with is Asian but was adopted by a white family. It's not the skin color at all, it's the likeness. My best friend is a gay male and he is horrified by "the vagina" and won't date bi men or men that have been with women- he wants what he calls a "true gay" male. I don't give him a hard time about it. It doesn't shock me.
The OP said "I cannot accept this thing" and she should not feel pressured by other people to accept something she is not comfortable with. That's the only thing wrong here. This isn't about society's horror of homosexuals, this is about one woman's personal preference and what she is comfortable with in a relationship partner.
I also don't think that a man that has had a homosexual relationship can just turn 100% straight for the rest of his life no matter how much love he has for her. You make sexuality sound like a "choice" when it isn't.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): Bit stunned at the 4-to-1 posters' consensus in favour of ending what sounds like a great relationship on the basis of something your boyfriend did before you even met.
He hasn't done anything wrong except tell you the truth. Would you prefer he'd lied? And if you're really happy and you 'feel great with him', how mad is it that you'd end it over something that's in the past and is entirely unrelated to you and him?
Your worry, obviously, is that you think he's certain to go for men again in the future. Truth is, there's no reason at all to think that he will, if he's happy with you. Sexuality is never 100% one way or the other, and at this point, in a monogamous relationship with you, your guy is heterosexual for all practical purposes.
The logical extension of ending it with him purely because he once had sex with someone who happened to be male is that all relationships bar those between virgins are unacceptable.
The phrases 'too weird' (Kellyxxx), 'queer' (Finn McCool) and 'no way could I accept this'(anon) reflect the knee-jerk horror felt by society at specifically male homosexuality. Invert the genders, and you'll see the point. I'm having difficulty envisaging Finn advising a bloke that he has to ditch his (otherwise fantastic) girlfriend because she's had a bit of girl-on-girl previous.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): If he's tried a bit of bum before, he's for sure gonna get the urge for it again, I reckon. You can't suddenly stop being queer. Personally, I wouldn't take the chance. Move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (27 May 2009):
 Hi there,
I guess I'm the only person who could kind of care less about what my fella has done in the past. So your guy experimented, okay... it obviously didn't work out for him since he retired that thought and has stuck with women ever since. All that the one relationship did for him was give him a good story and a good way to scare off ladies like you, I suppose.
Do you want to be with him, does he make you feel happy, is your relationship and sex life good and solid? These are the things that I would worry about rather then his past... and trust me, he could have way creepier skeletons in his closet. He could have had sex with tons of married women, or been part of swingers clubs or slept with hundreds of prostitutes, or participated in gang bangs. One brief relationship with a man seems like nothing compared to the things you COULD have found out about him.
I really think that you need to think about who he is here and now. How he makes you feel, how devoted he is to you, and how compatible you are. Not his youthful indiscretions...
Good luck, sweetness!
...............................
A
female
reader, summerslady21 +, writes (27 May 2009):
People are always bad mouthing gays but you know they have feelings they are people! Anyhow to get back to your question... He was honest with you that's a plus! How long have you been with him? If it was his past then it shouldn't be a problem right? You are the one he wants now! I can just imagine how upset you are. And how you just feel odd. Anyhow if you don't think you can accept it EVER then maybe you need to split. It is hard to accept something that uncomfortable. It is just one of them things you need to think about. You said he loves you and he is great. Think about thoes things! Everyone experiments at some point! Mostly females but some males do depending on what they see growing up! Do what you feel is right in your heart! Just make sure you won't regret it later! Good luck sweet heart! Keep in touch!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): No way could I accept this. I met this guy once when I was in my early 20's and he was gorgeous, looked like a model, and he was really into me. We went out a few times and he confessed that before me, he had had a relationship with another guy on and off for like a year but otherwise was into women. I couldn't get past it. He ended up having a 2 or 3 year relationship with a woman after he dated me and I thought maybe I'd made a mistake. Now, 10 years later, I heard through the grapevine he's living with his "partner" and he's gay. Phew!
...............................
A
female
reader, kellyxxx  +, writes (27 May 2009):
 I couldn't stay with him, even if he was a nice person. Its too weird! X
...............................
|
