A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend recently masturbated in the toilet when I was round his house to porn. Usually porn doesn't bother me but I feel like he chose this over me and suddenly like i'm not hot enough. We went on to have sex later and he didn't cum and just said "not sure why" when we discussed it. I later found out about the wank. Should I be ok with it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): Was there a reason he would have thought you would or would not have sex that night?
My wife does not want sex nearly as frequently as I do, but there isn't any clear pattern on her part that I've been able to discern. Sometimes she wants it once a week, sometimes she wants it 2 days in a row. If it's been a few days, I tend to get rather irritated if she still doesn't want to have sex because there's no outlet for my urge. I will sometimes fly solo to relieve the tension, especially if she's been giving me the typical signals that she's not in the mood (e.g. "I'm really tired today honey" "I have a headache", etc.) I sometimes guess wrong and then don't cum when we have sex. Ironically, at first she took this as a sign I didn't want her, when in reality the exact opposite was true.
I've actually talked to other married guys who have had similar problems. If your wife almost never wants sex (compared to the guy), it can be quite frustrating and the guy can end up flying solo frequently. Then, once in a blue moon when the wife finally wants to do it (with no prior signals), the guy might have "ruined" it to some degree by flying solo.
I have no idea if this is what is/was going on in your situation, but it's something to consider.
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 Sometimes people get anxious prior to sex and masturbation has a calming effect. He did not do this in your presence, you found out about it later. Maybe it made you feel rejected?
He may not have conciously rejected you, only met his need because it was more effecient. He did have sex with you, but could not climax. It is common for some men to masturbate prior to sex because it desensitizes them for sex later and makes them last longer.
His intenions may have been quite innocent and not intended to be a personal rejection of sex with you. It just did not happen.
Let him know how you feel and that YOU want to be the one to please him, not a video. Share with him that it makes you feel upset that you are available and he chose to go solo.
Chances are he is still going to watch porn and masturabate without you. He is wired differently than you and your sexual needs. There is nothing wrong with a solo act once in awhile.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (6 September 2011):
Tell him how you feel, I would let this one slide but if he does it again I think you would feel right to be upset and bring it up as an issue in the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (6 September 2011):
 I find it weird he did this while you were there. Masturbation is great to do on his own and thinking of his partner. That's great. But the porn thing is not good and also to do it while you were there. Also, to masturbate before being with a girl can easily reduce sexual anticipation. It's like spoiling the awaited moment. Obviously he relieved himself so couldn't produce later on.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (6 September 2011):
 i'm not excusing what he did but sometimes masturbation is just easier than sex, he was able to have a quickie with himself but if he would have had sex with you this would have been more time consuming and he would have had to take your needs into consideration too, maybe he felt too lazy at the time. so, how come you had sex afterwards or is this how you found out what he had done, when he couldn't cum?
x
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A
female
reader, blackdiamond  +, writes (6 September 2011):
its ok sometimes guys do that as they want to make sure they please you and by wanking first they know they wont spoil the moment..
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A
male
reader, Samidou  +, writes (6 September 2011):
As a guy im telling this is very wrong he shouldn't be doing porn at all it will reflect on your love life as you making love he will wanna try stuff he saw u should ask him to stop
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): It is perfectly normal to feel like he picked porn over you but don't beat yourself up over it. I do wonder though, do you two have sex often enough because if you do then he shouldn't have to masturbate and should just wait for you and if you don't then you should try to if possible. Also it shouldn't be a big deal if you were to asked him to not masturbate when your around.
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A
female
reader, svf +, writes (6 September 2011):
 I would be very hurt by his actions, so I completely emphasise with you. AND I would be extremely angry to.
He has put wanking over his girlfriend and that is not just unfair, it's a really shitty thing to do to the girl you're in love with. Men... always thinking with their Dicks... Talk with him and tell him that it made you feel worthless and hurt and hopefully he won't do that again.
If he does and it becomes a pattern, find someone who can satisfy you. I know how you feel when the guy doesn't come, it's a real let down and makes for very unsatisfactory sex. And to find out they've pleasured themselves first is a real turn-OFF.
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