A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend went to see strippers and has got a private lapdance on a number of occasions. Im finding it hard to deal with, I feel inadequate and dont feel comfortable having sex at the moment. I just feel he'l compare the way I look to the strippers.What should i do? am i being silly?
View related questions:
lapdance, stripper Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2017): I made the mistake of going to a strip club with a guy I was seeing. I read about it before doing it and some girls think it's ok. I thought I could handle it. I found it disgusting. He bought a lap dance for some other guy who left. I go to the bathroom and come out and he's gone. There's some loser trying to get me to go home with him. I high tailed it out of there. Text him I was leaving come or not. He did come out and leave with me but he took the lap dance while I was in the bathroom. They don't do it where you can see what they're doing so who the hell knows. The fact that they go off somewhere else tells you something. I think it's just gross.I don't want to be with a guy who thinks this is normal and ok and that a girl should be ok with it. Made me sick to my stomach actually. I realized time to move on. This is not what I want in a partner. Obviously we have different morals and thoughts about things. I want a partner that respects me and I'm enough for them. To settle for anything less is not respecting myself.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 February 2012):
 He goes to a stripping club with his mates for entertainment.. got no problems with that, we got male strippers here and I've seen them when out with my girlfriends. He's watching a naked person dance, equivalent to me as porn.
He gets a lap dance with some woman's crotch in his face, and he then pays her money...
Nope, we women don't have that.. that's too much body contact, and much to close to sex. For me dry humping is sex, so lap dancing is cheating.
It may be different for you, but for me, that's relationship finished and ended.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers! they have been a great help!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012):
It's like retroactive jealousy in that women don't get why it's a big deal to men and tell us to get over it.
Likewise, men going to see strippers is something that women get all upset about and us men don't see why it's such a big deal and want you to get over it.
Never the twain shall meet.
I find it very interesting that most of the women here view it just like cheating even though I, a man who has actually had a lap dance, can tell that in my experience it's not what the women here are making it out to be. I have never had an orgasm or even close. I am sure there are sleazy men out there you are aiming for that (the type of guys who rate strippers by "mileage" and who frequent clubs) but for most of us guys who just go occasionally it's not like that. Seeing a naked woman is not cheating with her and a lap dance isn't much more than that except in close quarters. There's a reason a lot of guys talk about strippers giving "air dances." You aren't allowed to touch the strippers and they certainly don't want to touch you. They might (as the name implies) sit on your lap for a few brief moments before lifting themselves off.
Would you have a problem with him getting a massage from another woman? That's far more sensual and intimate. I mean he's lying there naked and her hands are all over him. In fact, when I am with a female masseuse (even though it is non-sexual) I feel way better and it is way more sensual than anything a stripper (or even my wife) is willing to do for me - even though it's not sexual.
Keep in mind that when I look at porn I am actually getting off versus at a strip club I am not. In the end, I won't say that men look at strippers as less than human, but we recognize it for the fantasy that it is. It has no bearing on anything in reality. It's like an erotic dream.
...............................
A
male
reader, unknown2u  +, writes (27 January 2012):
You said that you're worried about how you look compared to the strippers. And I can tell you that you have zero to worry about. I can guarantee you that you look ten times better than them.
There are two different things going on here. There's you, who he wants to spend the rest of his life with, who he's proud to show off to his family and his friends, and who he wants to make children with. That's the real world.
Then there's a fantasy world, where women take their clothes off and dance. Those women have made them selves up, and sometimes have surgically enhanced themselves, so that men will stuff money into their costumes. They might gyrate in private dances so that more bills might come their way. It's sad, for sure. But I've never met a guy who would value them over a 'real' girl.
You are real. The lapdancers aren't. You might want to have a conversation with him about it. But I can guarantee you that the real you is *way* better than what he saw in a club.
...............................
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (27 January 2012):
 There are plenty unattractive strippers, believe it or not. How attractive a stripper is shouldn't rattle your self-esteem though. There are so many beautiful women on this planet. Each day, another one gets added to the total. You cannot compete with beauty or any character trait for that matter because you will meet/see plenty of women that will blow you out of the water. It's impossible to be the most beautiful woman, or expect to be the most attractive woman your boyfriend will ever see. It's idealistic and silly.
You see plenty of men that are hotter than your boyfriend, do you not? Does it make you less attracted to your boyfriend? Do you think he is uglier because of it? Of course not.
If all your insecurity is rooted in the fact that he goes to strips clubs, well, that would be an easier fix then. He will have to stop going, or reduce it to make you feel better.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (27 January 2012):
 Would you be OK with strangers rubbing your boyfriend off with their butts? Then why should be OK if money is involved? In my view other women getting my partner off is cheating, money or no money, desperation or no desperation. I don't view lapdances as different from any other form of cheating. The only way it could be is if people somehow view strippers as not human or lesser than other people (because cheating is a sexual content with other people, strippers are people sexual, so unless they are not people...).
I'd dump him in a heartbeat.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 January 2012):
 If it were my boyfriend, I'd break up with him on the grounds of poor taste. To me, a guy in a committed relationship getting lap dances is just plain icky. Sorry, but there is a big difference between looking at an image on a screen or even in real life, but having a living, breathing, mostly or totally naked person grind on his body is just plain yuck. Any respect I may have had for him at that point would be gone.
If the lap dances were in the past before I knew him, well, that's different and has nothing to do with me. He didn't know I'd be turning up, now, did he? Though there still is an 'ick' factor and his suit of shining armor would be a bit tarnished for me, it's not a dump-able 'offense' as it's in the past.
I know different couples will have different viewpoints on this, and it probably should be discussed and agreed upon before you get too far into a relationship.
If it makes you feel any better, men don't really compare as fiercely as women do. We are super-judgemental of our own bodies and our own attractiveness and we would probably do ourselves a great big favor by accepting that our man thinks we are pretty and attractive, otherwise, he wouldn't be with us. Kind of giving respect to the guy for being so wise as to choose you, if you see that subtle point.
Currently paying for lap dances? Eek, dump, especially if your self-esteem isn't that great. Who needs the worry and it just shows a major lack of class on his part. Lap dances in the past, well, he didn't know he'd be with YOU.
Does that help?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): My boyfriend also did this and "can't see the big deal" I thought I was over reacting but now I don't think I am
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (26 January 2012):
You're not being silly. I am a very grounded person without jealousy issues but this would rattle even me. A bf getting a lap dance could be a deal breaker.
This is not about retroactive jealousy, like an anon user implies. Retroactive jealousy is about an inability to deal with someone's past before your relationship with that person. This is something he did/is doing WHILE being in a committed relationship with you, which makes it a whole different ball game.
Have you talked to him about this? Does he know how you feel? If he was honest to tell you he may have gotten the impression you were okay with it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 January 2012):
 Since you've said "... on a number of occasions..." I will slant my comments to THAT DETAIL.
WHAT THE HECK WOULD MAKE YOU WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH A GUY WHO HAS HAD LAPDANCES PERFORMED ON HIS LAP "ON A NUMBER OF OCCASIONS??????"
Did I say that succinctly enough??????
Good luck.... (You're going to need it if you choose to stay with this guy!!!!)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): No, you are not being silly. Shame on your boyfriend for allowing this to even take place. He has no business allowing a stripper to touch him....if this was my man, I would drop him like a bad habit. That kind of stuff would be one of my deal breakers....just makes me cringe thinking about these skank women allowing themselves to do things like that and how many other men they have done things with...and then my man would come back and touch me? No thank you. I am only eccepting of a man who is only in a relationship with me, not off whoring with other women. No way, no how... I would have no respect for a man like that.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): Women always seem to have a real problem with this, but in reality it's not a big deal. There is no emotional attachment at all. It's just a professional relationship and there isn't even any sex involved. It's a fantasy. Then again, most women get upset that men watch porn, too. Things like this help keep us sane, because the reality is that most women refuse to have sex often enough for our liking. I would only be upset if he's making a habit of it. There is definitely something wrong with the guys who to go clubs so often that the strippers know their names, but once or twice per year... so what? This is the female equivalent of retroactive jealousy, which women just don't get and which upsets many men with the ladies saying "get over it." Ladies, we like looking at naked women. It's nothing to do with you. Get over it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 January 2012):
 Have you talked to him about it?
And no, I don't think you are being silly for feeling the way you do. Obviously, your BF either doesn't know how you feel or he does care. And more obvious, you two don't share the same values when it comes to a relationship. You two really should have a talk. Talk about what you think is OK on a relationship and what is not.
Personally I think the whole stripper thing is lame, I mean really what is so "hot" about having a desperate stranger/women rub all over you? She is only doing it because she wants/needs to money. So in that sense I wouldn't compare myself to a stripper, ever.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): Lap Dances are a means to masterbate a man. The more money a man pays, the closer he is to orgasm. Maybe other men and women are not so informed how it works, but that is how it works here in Canada.Granted not all Strippers give lap dances for that purpose, its an individuals choice. It is a means for dry humping.If you are one of those women who believes in monogamy and don't like sharing your Man with ANYONE- then you are not being silly.Relationships are about expectations, boundaries, and in the end, what you level of commitment and fidelity means from your man so regardless if anyone else is doing it and to them, its not big deal- is not your concern. This is about you and your BF and not if everyone else wants to jump off a bridge, your BF should be allowed to too. Free agency is everyones right but when you enter a relationship- the relationship comes first and NOT selfish sexual needs. Priorities.Its not about comparing but that he sought another woman to arouse him, sexually, intimately touch him. Thats cheating. He even paid for it so he knew full well what he was doing. What else will he pay for? So far, BF looks like he has no boundaries to what and who he will use to get off. So yes, I see it as he's untrustworthy. I could totally see why you are hurting to the point intimacy and sexual intimacy would seem meaningless. The trust is breached and when this occurs, the safety, friendship, love of the relationship suffers.How do you feel about it? Besides not trusting him. Is this something you can accept about him? That he may seek others for 'fun', 'entertainment', 'getting off', 'ego boost' or whatever else he gets from it? That to him its harmless and so for you it should be too? What are you capable of accepting? What are your boundaries or expectation from a man you date?Figure that out.Hang in There. *hugs*
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 You're being silly to think you are being compared to the strippers. But you aren't being silly by finding it uncomfrotable that some stranger is going to grope your boyfriend, with him paying for it. Some people would classify this as cheating. It's not so much the viewing of other women that is the problem, it is the sexual aspect of it. Strippers are basically hookers without the penetraion and blowjobs. However, a lapdance is just like dry humping. And eveything's got to do with sex and sexuality, getting turned on, by a real live woman.
While some women are against porn, plenty more are againts a real live women groping their man. It is also viewed as disrespectful to your girlfriend if you openly engage in sexual acts with another woman, be that a sexual act of ANY kind (sexting, flirting, lap dances, teases, heavy petting, stripping etc.)
Take your stance on it. If you are uncomfortable with it then talk to him about it. If he respects you he shouldn't go have lap dances. Perhaps you can agree to him going to strip clubs without the dances, or perhaps you can ask him to not go to strip clubs at all. Out of respect to you and your feelings.
I really do feel that if he refuses to listen and respect your boundaries, you should let him go and find yourself a boyfriend who is a better match to you. Otherwise it will hurt your self esteem (and your relationship) too much in the long run.
...............................
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 No youre not being silly. This is a legitimate concern and your feelings about it are valid. State to him you dont feel he is respecting your relationship when he is engaging in this behavior and state what insecurities it brings you.
...............................
|
